First - let's acknowledge that the VERY BIG subtext to this whole event is the loss of that "secure" feeling that we suffer when a spouse cheats. Therefore relatively minor opportunities for them to demonstrate that they are "there" for us become blown out of proportion, because it gets mixed up with the feeling from the affair time.
Now:
Quote: accidentally locked my keys in the car. I think that is the first time I have ever done that! Not a good feeling.
I detect that you weree feeling a little more anxious than average - perhaps because of your concern over the diabetes, or perhaps worry over your "forgetfullness" if that has been worrying you elsewhere. Anyway, right off the bat you had an extra layer of anxiety beyond the normal inconvenience of locking one's keys in one's car. H probably was not aware of that layer - he's not a mindreader either, remember.
Quote: H was due to go to work in approx. 1.5 hrs. I phoned and stated that I had locked my keys in
Well, realistically, he may have been concerned that he would be late for work if he drove the keys out to you
Quote: He told me to phone someone for help
And like an analytical guy, may have been thinking that the best solution would be one that got your keys but still got him to work, ie, someone else to help you. (You really should get AAA, btw. Any tow truck driver can unlock your car.)
Quote: He asked me where the spare keys were, and I said I wasn't exactly sure, but prob. in one of the normal places (kitchen cabinet container, or cubby on the counter). I have to admit, I felt very angry at him at the onset of that phone call and told him I had to go.
So, he finally figures out that you really want him to come out there with the keys, and starts to find out where they are, but you pull a passive-aggressive on him and hang up.
Quote: During this time, H did phoned several times and I did not answer the call.
More passive-aggressive, and making him worry unnecessarily. AND probably pissing him off by your childishness.
Quote: I asked H why he did not come right away to assist me, and I was just not satisfied with the answers.
The answer is, as the main breadwinner for the family, he was concerned about getting to his job on time, and thought you, as a mature grown-up woman, could probably handle this crisis as you would if you were single. Still, he DID start to look for the keys but you cut him off.
Quote: I told him I had felt abandoned and he just did not seem to have been concerned.
He may feel, like many previously unfaithful spouses, that they are screw-ups and that you'll never let them forget it, so this just feels like another criticism. Or he may just be a guy who doesn't do reassurance well (my H doesn't, never has, I can't imagine why but have finally learned to accept he's just deficient in that department).
Quote: I dont' know whether I over-reacted or if my expectations were acceptable. This is one thing that does seem to be a reoccurring theme.. me fending for myself.
I vote for overreaction. Yes, it would have been lovely for him to be the white knight who immediately said "yes, honey, I'll be right there". But he was probably looking at it more analytically, "how can we get her in the car in the quiclkest possible time?". More direct communication might have helped - "H, I'm scared and uncomfortable here and I just really need you to bring me my keys. I believe you'll find them in X".
Again - the big subtext here is that you want him to PROVE HIS LOVE for you by rushing to your rescue, to help heal the wounds of having felt abandoned by him before. He hasn't read the script, though, so he doesn't know that's what you were asking.
I know you probably won't like my interpretation here at first, but the great strength of this board is our honesty with each other and ourselves.
How can you ask your H for the things that will make you feel "cared for" in a more direct manner? And what things is your H already doing for you (like being a good provider) that you maybe don't acknowledge because it's not "your" love language?
