They way you have expanded your description of showing your anger sounds much more reasonable, and I agree with it completely.
You can show irritation, displeasure, controlled anger. I have no problem with that. That is being congruent. Its communicating honestly.
referring to the last incidet, You could have shown your displeasure with your W, dismissed the kids from the room, reprimand her for dragging them into it, very likely earing her respect (albeit unknown) and demonstrated a strong assertive, proactive boundary, instead of P/A 'teaching her a lesson'.
try to see these moments as opportunities, to demonstrate certain attractive masculine traits. All that being said I do understand what happens when have stuffed emotions too long.
My MC recommended:
Healing the Child Within By Whitfield and
Boundaries and Relationships by Whitfield.
She read the child within one, and is starting to see that she isn't always the victim. Starting to talk about old wounds.
I read the boundaries one, am I am working on putting some in place, however i don't know how this is completely possible, until we start making more progress. I'll try it, what do I have to lose, marriage is allready out the window. And I am tired of cleaning her footprints off.
I am at a similar phase as you are. My children and I deserve better and I am not going to put up with the crap anymore. I only had to threaten D once this week, so I guess that is progress.
I am not afraid of d, just for the kids sake I would rather fix. Actually the Boundaries book says fixing is a boundary problem as well.
But I complete agree with your if the carrot isn't working then I will drag you. I have been dragging her to MC everyweek.
