They way you have expanded your description of showing your anger sounds much more reasonable, and I agree with it completely.
You can show irritation, displeasure, controlled anger. I have no problem with that. That is being congruent. Its communicating honestly.
referring to the last incidet, You could have shown your displeasure with your W, dismissed the kids from the room, reprimand her for dragging them into it, very likely earing her respect (albeit unknown) and demonstrated a strong assertive, proactive boundary, instead of P/A 'teaching her a lesson'.
try to see these moments as opportunities, to demonstrate certain attractive masculine traits. All that being said I do understand what happens when have stuffed emotions too long.
