I know Heather’s sitch and mine are similar in many ways. I do think she needs to use a carrot and stick approach. The walls of her H are very strong and I do not think he will not become a compassionate husband just because she stops pushing. I do think he was damaged as a child, like my W, and because of this he was conditioned to focus on his needs, not others, and the way to get those needs met was through force. This means he never had modeled to him how to be empathic, understanding and compassionate.
In fact, I am not sure he really understands this concept and what the difference is between healthy and dysfunctional relationships. My guess is that it is all a gray area to him. So my recommendation to Heather (and some others) is to use a carrot and stick approach to better identify the difference between the two. I believe there is a huge amount of inertia in these problem relationships and it is very difficult to get unstuck. If this problem is not corrected, I think the marriage will fail. IMO it is not a matter of if, but only a matter of when.
So to your comments, I do think both Heather and I should work on our reactivity. But I do not think either of us should shut it down. Just offering the carrot will not work in my marriage and I doubt it will work in hers. Both of our marriages suffer from boundaries problems. Not just setting boundaries but in respecting the boundaries of our spouse. If the only way we have learned to respect boundaries as children is through the use of force, then it will take some time to reprogram our spouse to respect those boundaries because they are legitimate, not just physically enforced.
If Heather’s H will respect her wishes, that would be great. But he doesn’t. He overpowers her and does as he pleases. It leaves her with little recourse. So I think that if she can show two extremes to differentiate the gray, help her to establish and maintain boundaries, stand up to his controls, and show him the compassion that he really wants, then he may slowly come around.
But also, Heather has a right to get angry, and express it, IMO. I do the same. I’m not trying to rationalize it, just saying it is a part of me, as it is of her. But I have worked hard on not holding onto the anger and resentment. I might get mad in the moment, but he next day I am fine and willing to shift into happy mood, if it comes up. I try not to hold the resentment since all that does is rob W of the opportunity to make up. I want her (and myself) to feel comfortable in opening communication again and continuing to move forward. If W did something wrong, I do not want to shut the door to her apology.
