FWIW, I didnt disagree with GEL, Cally or Burgbud comments..
You and your W have a lot to work thru, and its going to take time, persistance on your part, and repeated demonstration of real boundaries. The more you have the more she will relax.
The faster you can implement this without anger the faster your W will progress too.
To me seeing you and Mrs.Cobra go thru this is like watching Ceasar Milans apprentice work with a redline dog.
Ceasar could do it quicker because he KNOWS he will have success and he has the experience to avoid the bites and attacks. The apprentice is learning and when he gits bit he gits pissed and kicks the dog. He isnt sure of his success, and that and his reactive anger will delay the outcome. There is only one way to learn and thats go thru it on your own. (stop kicking the dog or your fired ) lol. There is no other way though, except to go thru the fighting and conflit. It may not look sweet and rosy garden to us observing, but it is worth it. The important thing is that you dont associate your successes to your reactive anger and think that is the correct way to deal with it. When you react you need to realize that she has hit a sensitive spot and you lost control of yourself. its understandable, but not acceptable.
Quote: I think this concept is not given enough discussion on this board. Why is it that a woman married to a known criminal, killer, or some other horrible type of person can fall in love with him? Are you serious about this question? I thought we had discussed it-- a lot. Sure that woman may be sick herself and is desperately looking for love, but that horrible man she loves is giving her the soothing and compassion that allows her to look past all his evil traits. No. he demostrates male attributes. Often in an extreme fashion. Thats what she needs because of her FOO/trauma. Attraction is a biological response. It is not a choice. In fact, she may not even see why he is vilified. Yes they do. It doesnt matter though. He is her man and she is going to support him no matter what. (untill he stops demonstrating attractive male attributes that is. --There is no such thing as a lover's oath. -Plato)
When you know what the attractive male attributes are (and I mean know as in feel it in your gut ) you will stop wondering this. Your looking at it thru logic, not a womans emotional response.
Your question is akin to a woman asking why a man would 'fall in love' with a very visually attractive woman who has all sorts of drug, pysch, eating issues --basically 'needs' him to save her. Our desire drive is there to make sure we keep breeding with the 'best' (perceived) available mate. It dont care about any logic. If you dont control your perception, and hence your reality, your biology will drag you about willy nilly in an effort to feel good and avoid pain/conflict/intimacy.
Oh yeah... your wifes remark about not mixing emotion and sex. Very telling. IMO she is afraid.
Help her thru her fear, by showing the way with your actions, not pushing and shoving her ahead of you.
For example, when I take my nephews hiking, and we find a tarantula I dont pick it up and throw it on them to get them over their hesitation and fear. I pick it up and sit down and let them gather around at a distance they are comfortable with while they watch it crawl around on me up my arms, on my shoulder, on my head, and see for themself that it is safe. I tell them about it and how soft and delicate and that they have to be gentle with the tarantula so they dont hurt it. What I talk about doesnt really matter, they are seeing what to do and how to do it. Then when they are ready they hold out their hand and it crawls up on them, off my hand on to theirs and back onto my other hand. I give them just a moment to feel the feather light weight, then I remove it again. they process the new feeling -the fear diminishes, then want to do it again a little longer.
Its a process of desensitazation. you cant force a big heaping helping of fear and newness all at once and expect success or the outcome you want.
) lol. There is no other way though, except to go thru the fighting and conflit. It may not look sweet and rosy garden to us observing, but it is worth it. The important thing is that you dont associate your successes to your reactive anger and think that is the correct way to deal with it. When you react you need to realize that she has hit a sensitive spot and you lost control of yourself. its understandable, but not acceptable. 