[MJontheMend]

If we assume our objective is to save the marriage and put the relationship back on track, does it matter that we do so with two “healthy,” “functional” people or that we do so with two “unhealthy,” “dysfunctional” people? As long as both are happy and there is no buildup of resentment, who cares if the couple is “healthy” and “functional?” My point is that individual health is important, but in my mind, and for purposes of all my comments on this board, I put it secondary to saving the marriage.

I think the reason that you feel this way is because you are putting the needs of your children first. I think this is true for most of the people on this BB. You are rationalizing along the lines of "It's okay if we are unhealthy, unfunctional people as long as we keep it together well enough to aid the personal growth of our children.". I think that this is natural and commendable. However, the downside is that your kids will grow up and then where will you be? Do you keep on keeping it together, muddling along in your mutual dysfunction in order to enjoy holidays together with the Grandkids? Will the freedom from responsibility that comes with an empty nest give both of you the ability to achieve personal growth that will improve your relationship? These are important questions for someone like me who is just a few years from empty nest status but everyone on this BB will have to face them sooner or later.