As always, I am glad to see your comments. They keep me grounded. As you stated, I too have felt an inconsistency with the posters on this board. Not long ago most were up in arms over my W, saying I should divorce her, even call the cops. Now everyone jumps on me because I feel the need to take strong action. I have seen this same “herding” phenomenon with other posters.
My impression is that the people who come here do so because they are the “one-down.” Whether right or wrong, the spouse has moved on (to one degree or another) and made a decision to focus on him/herself and exclude the spouse (the posters on this board). So we come here to learn but to also try and find a way to effectively pursue our spouse. Because we are trying, in a way we are all pursuers. We are all looking for some level of validation. Nothing wrong with that, but if we look too much to others for guidance, we loose ourselves. In many instances I have felt this board resembles a bunch of lemmings, running with the safety of the pack.
I think people should step back and take a hard look at their values. If you disagree with something a poster says, then don’t be afraid to speak up. It is for your own benefit that you assert yourself. If you know something you do is not the “right” thing but you have a hard time over coming the emotional turmoil to change, then don’t be afraid to do so. Say you are doing the wrong thing, you know it, and will probably keep doing so until you outgrow this behavior. There is nothing to be ashamed of. That is reality, whether we like it or not. That is how damaged people react. Heal the damage and the behavior will change. Change the behavior with out the healing and resentment will grow. Be honest with yourself. Enough of the lecture to the board.
Now, on to my sitch. Things at home have actually been very good over the past two weeks. W has been coming home much earlier, spending time with the kids, helping clean the house, cook dinner, etc. I have done the same. Actually I am doing about the same amount of help around the house I have been doing for some time now. She is just pitching in her share. The kids are happy and content. We have had to put in a lot of time this past weekend to help the kids with homework, prepare for tests and complete a mass of projects thrown at them before Thanksgiving hits, but the tension has gone away.
W is talking to me more, trying to engage, open to having sex, though time has still been a problem. Her attitude is what seems to have changed. So something has worked.
I agree that I am still in pursuit, but I also think anything one person does can be deemed some form of pursuit. I do not think she saw my threat of D as a hollow threat. Although I am reluctant to D, I have resigned myself to the fact that it may be necessary. However, even if I file, right up to the point we sign the papers, W could suddenly “get it,” break down her walls and decide to work things out. At that point I think I would be willing to try too. My purpose is to save the marriage, not save my ego.
I do get very frustrated with W when she draws a hard line and refuses to budge. But I do not feel the same lingering resentment and hatred that I did six months or a year ago. The biggest change in W seems to be over this same issue. Something seems to have clicked so she is not focusing on her past resentments. How or why this happened, I do not know. But I can feel that part of the wall has come down.
When I talk about the techniques discussed on this board, I still think my statement is correct in that they do not address certain aspects of troubled relationships. MWD, Schnarch, Harley, are all good methods, and groundbreaking in many ways, but they cannot cover everything. There are some gaps. Couples who are fundamentally grounded and have many aspects of a “healthy” R seem to do well with these methods.
But others like mine have deeper issues. That is why I think the attachment theory can directly address those gaps and provide a good overlay to the other methods. MWD, Schnarch, Harley do not address trauma or PTSD. I am coming to see a lot of that in many of the people who post here. GEL’s horse analogy does not address the traumatized and abused horse. Some of those animals cannot be rehabilitated.
Yes, we should all be working toward becoming healthier people, which USUALLY causes positive reactions in the spouse. But not always. When one becomes too healthy, the other can feel threatened and will try to pull the healthier person back down. Maybe that sabotage will cease after a while. Maybe it won’t. It depends on the height of those defenses.
If we assume our objective is to save the marriage and put the relationship back on track, does it matter that we do so with two “healthy,” “functional” people or that we do so with two “unhealthy,” “dysfunctional” people? As long as both are happy and there is no buildup of resentment, who cares if the couple is “healthy” and “functional?” My point is that individual health is important, but in my mind, and for purposes of all my comments on this board, I put it secondary to saving the marriage.
With my W, I have had to regress down to a very basic and fundamental level of relationships. Like a horse or dog, a basic understanding must be present of the consequences of ignoring boundaries and the desires of others. My W NEVER had this understanding, as best I can tell. She was raised (and even praised) to push for her needs or expect them to not be met. This is the narcissistic family setting, in which each person must fight to be heard and validated. Each is concerned about themselves only. Consideration of the needs of others is foreign, since it is assumed that the other person is fighting for his/her needs too. It is survival of the fittest.
It is on this level that I had to go, to tell W that she MUST learn to consider my needs and the needs of others if she wants others to consider her. It also required that she stop denying that she has needs that others can fill and that she is vulnerable, just like anyone else. Intellectually she understood this, but she had not learned to feel it. That is why I saw no other course than to use a carrot and stick approach.
It may have been possible to only use the carrot and through compassion teach her to trust and come out of her shell. But who knows how long that would have taken. It also completely ignores my needs. I have realized that I too need to acknowledge my damage and my need for compassion from others. To not asset my needs build my resentment. Whether that is right or wrong, it is reality. I do not think I am willing to wait years longer for W to rehabilitate herself. This was my method as I stumbled through this process. I know others may not follow. But I did what I believed I had to do to heal the both of us. It has been a very long and tough road.
I do believe we are on the path to recovery. If my suspicions are correct and that W is trying to lower her walls, see my POV and compromise as I am trying to do, then I think we can do a lot toward healing ourselves and our children.
