While I do agree that society is not generally kind to men and they are expected to "suck up" a great deal and if they should happen to take on the Mr. Mom role get labeled a slacker etc... I do want to say that I have never accused Cobra of being abusive nor expected him to take abuse. What bothers me is that the dynamic is so entrenched between the two of them and Mrs. C is obviously not willing to own her part in it, it is pretty much up to Cobra - figure out a new way that doesn't hurt the kids or move on. I have expressed similar thoughts to Heather.
The other thing is that regardless of whether Mrs. C appears out of control, mentally ill, b*tchy, abusive or what have you to us on this board, Cobra has clearly stated that he intends to stay (at least right now). Cobra is an adult and can choose. The kids can't.
Cobra has come a very long way in his interactions with his W and yet, his anger overshadows so much of his thinking and judgement on matters pertaining to Mrs. C (could very well be righteous anger) that I am often left to wonder why it is worth the effort. What is the goal? A workable, ok marriage between two reasonable communicators but an "emotional divorce" in which sex is still expected OR something more lofty? I don't know. I don't know if the "reasonable" goal is worth attaining. As you discovered, you could have had your W back utilizing various tactics - to what end?
Sometimes, I picture Cobra in TKD class, meeting a woman and getting to talking and just feeling through a simple interaction with another person whose FOO is unknown, the possibilities. Maybe he can bring those into his own M or maybe he will decide that the basis for that is not there and the M is over and that he could find a new start elsewhere.
I don't advocate ending a M if one can possibly avoid it however, I also don't advocate continuing to tear away at one another in front of the children (I DO hold Mrs. C equally responsible).
All that said. I have done a great deal in R's that I am not proud of. I have argued in front of my children, I have yelled at them and my ex-H, I have (with ex-H) dramatically barred the door to prevent him from leaving. After my D, I read over the pile of letters that he gave me back in which the whole dynamic was laid out before my very eyes and I became deeply ashamed (even if his behaviors were 100x my own, even if his behaviors precipitated mine) and then I could really own my part in the D. I also got an annulment through the Catholic Church which required me to write a R history in which I could also see my own culpability. I have not repeated these mistakes in my present R. In fact, unlike a lot of people who choose the exact same person again and again, I did not. I got a new set of issues that I have to learn to deal with however, at least they don't reduce me to a severely decompensated version of myself. If I were in Cobra's shoes and choosing to stay I would think some counseling on handling my own decline into inferior states of functioning in the face of R pressures would be worth a look and forming some goals around that might bring a whole lot more movement that delving into FOO issues.
