[MJontheMend]

I've been thinking about your sich Cobra because of my convo with LP. It seems to me that you and Lil are in similar situations. You are a Type 5 and she is a Type 4 and you are both down there at the bottom of the Enneagram Chart near the abyss. Also you both have LD mates who are swinging up and to the left of you on the Enneagram chart. Her BF is a Type 7 and your wife is a Type 7 verging on 8 or a Type 8 swinging down towards 7. Therefore, you both see your mates as being similar in behavior to me.

Based on this here is what I think is the problem with your theory that if you uncover your wife's FOO issues you will grow closer. By forcing your wife to face up to her FOO issues you will make her sad. In a sense what you will do is cause her to act more like a Type 6 than a Type 8 so YOU will feel closer to her because she will have moved down the Enneagram chart towards you. You will have brought her down closer to the abyss where you live. Since she is "tougher" than me (more of a Type 8) she will fight against this and respond with both Type 7 deflection and Type 8 anger. In a sense this is a fair expectation on your part that she become more like you because you are trying to make her change in this way by being more like her (more tough). However, be aware that it will not be nearly as easy to get the sort of "breakthrough" from your W that you got from me because I am much closer to being a Type 6 to begin with, much more likely to cry or feel low self-esteem or be ready to admit my faults. Not because I'm necessarily lower or higher functioning than your wife but simply because we have somewhat different temperaments. What you should understand is that as a Type8/7 I think what will make your wife feel close to you (as opposed to what will make you feel close to your wife) is probably something in between what I want from a relationship and what Corri would want from a relationship which would probably amount to -Be or act happy and be or act respectful.

Another point I might make is that she probably has a similar feeling about you that I have about my Type 4 H. She probably feels like you are trying to make her cry or perhaps trying to make her angry (Though you are really probably seeking something like compassion and recognition?). Since my H is Type 4, I largely get the sense that he is trying to accomplish this by making me feel bad about my aesthetic qualities. Since you are a brainy, miserable SOB Type 5 (IMO-LOL- I say this with love) your W probably feels like you are trying to, as GEL put it "break her" by making her feel stupid, incompetent or crazy. I say this because when you were pushing me about my FOO issues, I vaguely had the feeling that you were trying to make me cry by making me admit that your theory was better than mine. For instance, you would be validated if I admitted that I was somewhat sexually promiscuous as a teenager because I was "desperate for affection". If I believe your theory and see myself as someone who is "desperate for affection" this dramatically lowers my self-esteem and makes me want to cry and swings me down the enneagram chart into Type 6 land and down towards you and my H by the abyss.

OTOH, this isn't necessarily a bad thing. I suppose occasionally looking into the abyss is a way in which I can come to feel more empathy for those who live down there and learning to feel empathy for those who think/feel/react/respond differently than you is one way to achieve higher functioning and feel closer to everyone. So, what's my point? I suppose simply that when it comes to relationships you can never be too self-aware.