We have been seeing a counselor for over three years. We move along a little bit, then get stuck. This is pattern has repeated several times. Sometimes it is because of me, sometimes because of her. The counselor can only do so much. I was very careful to find women counselors too, so W would not have an aversion to advice from a male. But when she must confront her own issues, face her anger and resentment and let herself become vulnerable, she hits a roadblock. An objective third party helps, but looking for ANOTHER counselor only buys her more time to avoid. I have no problem going to a counselor and will be happy to do so again, but only after I feel she is truly willing to move forward. I am hoping we are slowly getting there.
I do not think healing is that big of a problem for us. It requires forgiveness. The only way to forgive is to just do it. Once done, healing can move forward. The problem she has (IMO) is that she is scared to forgive, because it takes away her last excuse to stay in her shell. When she has to throw off that shell, she will feel naked, vulnerable and at the mercy of the world. She must decide whether she is willing to do this.
There is little I can do to make that decision easy for her. If she never knew safety and comfort with a man, how is she to know this is what she really wants? Being in her shell is ideal. So if she cannot be enticed out, I can make it uncomfortable for her to stay in. Divorce will do that.
As far as counselors go, I disagree that most have all the education in the world. I respect PhD therapists, but I am not willing to automatically make the same assumption about masters level counselors. I know there are good and bad counselors at both levels. Some go into the field after recovery themselves. I am learning to be careful of these since they obviously bring their own issues. Maybe they have worked through them, maybe not. The field is very subjective. There is no right or wrong answer and usually no way to know the difference. So you have to do your own research. That is what I am doing, trying to learn from others here who know so much more than I. But they do not really know my sitch, so I must make the final decision, be that right or wrong. BTW, my education is a BA in Economics and a Masters in Agricultural Economics, FWIW.
GEL, Karen,
Neither of you are telling me anything I do not know. I am aware of how this all will affect the kids and their future relationships. I also know much of that can be healed. It is not inevitable that they become and stay damaged. Of course they will need help.
Like I said, we generally have tried not to argue in front of them. This time W stuck them right in the middle of it as a power play. It did not go as she wanted, but Iit did go as I suspected it would and I saw value in getting that out. I think she will seriously think twice before doing it again. But like everything else, it does little good to tell her what I know, she has to personally experience it. Because she now knows the kids do not have automatic loyalty to her, what she thought was a major weapon has been neutralized. If that is the greater good that comes from this incident, then it may actually be worth it.
No, Karen, I am not exhausted by all this fighting because each week I am able to see a little more clearly on where we are and what we need to do to move forward. I have hope. If I did not, then I would be exhausted.
We do spend a lot of time with the kids, trying to help them feel supported not only in their schoolwork, but in their social schedule, their friends, sports, etc. We do some of this out of guilt and trying to counter the damage I am sure, but also because both W and I do value our kids and time with them.
