I know I cannot force her to bring down her walls. That is why I told her a week or two ago that I was not chasing anymore and she would have to take the initiative. At that time, and this past weekend, she kept “yeah butting” me. I told her each time that if I has this terrible, abusive, controlling husband then she had no reason to stay in the marriage and she needed to file. When she used the excuse of staying for the kids, I told her that was not sufficient either, that the kids should not be exposed to such a terrible person, so get out of the marriage.
But it did tell her if she was going to stay, she would have to face her trust issues and her resentment, or I would file. I would not stay in limbo. So she has not outs. This might be control on my part, or it might be a boundary. I don’t know and don’t care. Those are the terms. She can take it or leave it. It seems she has decided for now, to take it.
The ball is now in my court and I have to do all I can to give her acknowledgement, empathy and create the environment she says she needs for trust. That puts the ball back in her court. I still do not understand how to distinguish the difference between boundary and control when putting someone into the crucible. To me, it is a strong boundary, backed up by the threat of some kind of force (be it D or something else). To her, it will feel like control since I am putting her into a position of having to make a choice that she would otherwise not have to make.
Mojo,
No, I do not think I am letting her train me. Remember, I have complied with ALL her grievances from a few years back. You can say she has trained me, but you can also say I have grown to be more understanding and empathic of her needs and have decided to change myself to meet those needs. So which one is it? I think it is both and it is the art or compromise and negotiation.
I agree that I should not let her set the standards for the marriage, which is why I object to her constantly moving the goal posts. At first, I need to comply, because her grievances were founded, and I do not know if she will move those goalposts. But once I see her strategy and some history, then I need to stand my ground.
There is really nothing she can criticize me for now. I do help around the house, cook dinner, help with the laundry, help pick up kids, take them to the doctor or dentist (though I will not take them to the shrink to get more meds). So in essence, I have disarmed her. She has little to complain about. So what does she do? She digs up the past and starts complaining about all that she had to suffer years ago. It does not matter that all those things have be resolved, he just wants to hold onto that anger. Why? Deflection to avoid vulnerability.
Mojo, that long string of discussions Lil and I had with you earlier this year really helped me to better understand this dynamic, and I want to thank you for that. I know you were not purposefully trying to deflect, but I had a great opportunity to keep pressing the questions until I thought you were being honest with yourself. The answer seemed rather clear to me, and I think to Lil too. That answer cannot be never honest until it addresses the basic FOO fears. Everything else is deflection. This is what I have been doing with W.
The harder I have to press tells me how much pain she has had to avoid. I hope this helps others on this board, especially those who have been stuck for years. I cannot say others should push as I have, but if nothing else works, then maybe they should back up and take afresh look at the big picture to see what is going on. Adult Attachment theory has help me to better understand this big picture.
