Why are you saying that I am forcing W to trust me? I am not doing that. I know that is not possible. What I am doing is forcing her to stop deflecting, confront her own issues and take responsibility for her part in this mess. This very act on my part is showing her (in a twisted way) that I am here and concerned for her. That engagement with her is part of her feeling trust, but she has to let herself feel it.
I have tried to go the accepting route. That did help and we were able to move forward. Then we hit a roadblock. I believe the level of her resistance is in direct proportion to the abandonment she felt as a kid. Now in reality it may pale to what you had to face, but in her mind, it must be huge. Maybe you had better coping skills, better modeling somewhere along the way.
I also think you have MUCH higher self esteem than my W. This is not a small issue. If you do not love yourself and forgive yourself for the disasters that have befallen you (and others) then it is hard to accept yourself. I really think W holds some level of responsibility for her mother’s death. I think that is why she is almost paranoid about avoiding any kind of blame. She wants responsibility because she sees that as a sign of respect and self confidence (which she desperately wants), but she does not want the downside of being blamed if something falls through. That just triggers her guilt. Her teaching job is helping her to cope with this and learn that her old way of thinking is not necessarily correct. She is having to accept responsibility and having to think of herself in higher terms.
So I understand what you are saying, but each victim is different and comes into his/her situation with different skill sets and personalities. I do not think W would ever confront her vulnerability and trust issues if she didn’t have to.
I also want to mention one other thing. Late in the afternoons I usually call home to check on the kids and see what is going on. I also like to check with W for the same reason, but W has problems getting cell phone reception in her class. Even though I can call the school and then be transferred to her class room on the land line, she is often out of the room in other facilities. One complaint I have had is that she makes no effort to contact me, though she will religiously check in with the kids each day too. I want to keep communication open to know what is going on for the evening, like kids activities, dinner, and the like. I told her that her not calling me was a sign she was not doing her part and that it had nothing to do with trust, just shared parenting for sake of the kid. I saw it as a sign of her detachment.
Yesterday I tried her cell phone just as she was leaving the school. She said, “Oh, I’m just getting in the car and was going to call you and shock you!” Her calling me would be a shock and something she hasn’t done in years. I don’t know if what she said was true, but I took it at face value and as a sign that she is trying to do her part. Maybe she is just biding her time until she can leave. She does have that game plan and I do not think it has been removed from the table yet. But I will think (maybe naively) that this latest action is not playing with those cards.
