I hear you and understand about speaking the language that she understands, in a nice empathic way. That is my task and sometimes I can do it, sometimes I can’t. You are correct in that she needs to build trust. That is exactly her argument for the past year or so. But you have to remember who we are dealing with. She is an avoider, and in a major way. Building trust means opening up and becoming vulnerable. I have done so much of what she has asked, yet each time she moves the goal post. Each time, there is no additional buildup of trust.
I believe that trauma victims like her cannot build up trust on their own. The walls are too strong. If I do everything she asks, she will not get closer, she will just be happy to stay in limbo – that comfortable spot where I leave her alone, do what she wants me to do to meet her needs, and still avoid the emotional vulnerability.
I think that for most of us, what I am doing would be confusing, sending mixed signals. To a trauma victim, I do not think it is mixed. I think it is consistent. The hard discipline is a sign of commitment and caring because the focus is on that person, just as the caring and empathy is on that person. But using just compassion and caring will not work. The spotlight is too intense on her and she gets uncomfortable and runs. Trauma victims have no self esteem. They cannot handle too much vulnerability. They do not feel they are worth it.
Mojo,
I am fully aware that she thinks I am a horse in need of training. That is all she has focused on. But when I look at the complaints she had a few years ago, I have addressed all of them. Like I said, she just moves the goal posts. It is a deflection.
I told W that building trust is a two part process. I must create the conditions to make her comfortable. I think I have done much of that. The other part is that she must be able to then feel trust. This is what scares her to death and why we stay stuck. In her eyes, the fact that she still feels fears is because the conditions are not soothing enough for her to begin trusting. She assumes that because she feels fear, it is valid and that it must come from me.
What I told her is that the conditions never will be good enough to overcome her fear. She has a responsibility to ratchet up her trust as I improve the conditions. She must move out of her comfort zone and push herself to reach out, as scary as it might be. Otherwise there is no way for me to feel like we are going anywhere. No matter what I do, she can always say it is insufficient, therefore she has a right to hold onto her resentment, stay angry and control the relationship. I think it is this message that somehow got through.
