Ah but Cobra....what you did that got through to her is EXACTLY what I was referring to as "speaking a language the horse understood"....in a gentle non wimpy way. Reading the book, discussing issues (not screaming and yelling) and showing you weren't abandoning her is very likely to be the language she understood that sunk in.
Yelling & screaming in front of the kids, pointing out her flaws/insecurities continually, push...push....pushing....is what I was referring to as the approach that was going to break her spirit. And honestly....there have been several times that you've posted here (sorry I can't think of a good example right off the bat) where you yourself have shown that she resisted it....just as a horse would when being "broken".
I know you say you are tearing down her walls, and I get that....but the battering ram approach ALSO tears down her spirit....it is virtually impossible with this approach to do one thing without also doing the other. Really all I'm saying is try MORE of the approach that she responded to that wasn't so freakin abrasive. You want her to trust you right? In order for her walls to come down she must trust you.....hammering away at someone to remove their walls doesn't build trust. Picking up a book that's important to you and reviewing it to show you aren't abandoning her.....is gentle, reassuring, and builds trust which will help those walls to crumble on their own.
BUT discussing D and then adopting that more gentle approach is counter-productive, it sends mixed signals. Pick a side and commit.
