I won’t give you any “yeah buts” because you are right. I am trying to break her, not exactly as you say. I have mentioned the idea of respect of rules, boundaries, etc., comes from a deeper understanding of power and legitimacy. Most of us here seem to have that. Orphaned, abandoned children who are traumatized in some way do not get this idea. W is now a teacher, working with mentally retarded and problem kids. She has a new student that sounds to me like he is just like her. He has no respect for W, or any other teacher, he does not believe he has to do what he is told, he thinks he can take whatever he wants from someone else, and if you try to stop him, he will hit. He has hit several of the teachers already.
This analogy is a lot like what I am facing with my W. For her and this student, the problems come from trauma in their FOO. W had a caring, loving mother so she does not understand exactly how she could have attachment issues, but the amount of loss in her past is proof to me of the effect trauma can have on kids. Like her student, I firmly believe all W wants is to be protected, nurtured and loved. But those emotions are so strange and uncomfortable for her that she cannot deal with them. Each time we get along well and start to get closer, something conveniently comes up to create a rift. It is no accident. It is a contrived defense.
Just as she is having to do with her student, I am showing her that she must respect the most basic, fundamental rules of relationships. Years ago she never would have thought I had the guts to call the cops on her, and frankly, I don’t think I did either. So I enabled her. But as W must be strong and dole out severe punishment if necessary to this student (at least as strong as they will allow in school, which does include physical restraint), I must do the same. Yes, that means that I, like her, must push, push, push. Once those rules can be respected, relationship building can begin. But not before.
I have been doing just that. W will also have to show this student that she is not abandoning him and that she truly cares about him, and as much as she may have to discipline him, she will always be there to help him. I am trying to do the same. It is damn hard. I question whether she will ever get it, whether I am getting it, whether I am making things worse, how this affects the kids, and on and on. Slowly I am seeing W acclimating to closer emotional bonds with me, although those times are brief.
Something I said or did this past week got through to her. I think it was my re-engaging with her Saturday night to read Dieda and Schlessinger to her, showing her that I was not abandoning her, at least not yet. We discussed my faults and where I needed to step up to the plate, as Dieda discussed. This helped me to reveal more of myself, which made her feel safe. But I think the biggest thing may have been my direct statement to her that she will have to open up and face her issues and take responsibility for what she does to create the situations that make me angry and lead to a fight. She did not argue that she had to face her anxiety or face divorce. I don’t know what is different in what I said from what I had said before.
So your horse analogy is correct in part. But I am not trying to break her spirit so much as break down her walls. I admire her spirit. I detest her walls. I also think the approaches we had tried in the past were destined to failure in the first place. If our counselor had better recognized the trauma issues, perhaps we could have taken a different path in therapy. Live and learn. However all we have been through and learned is still valuable so I cannot say it is a waste. The order of learning could have been changed.
Lastly, if I am correct in my thinking, the result will not be a W broken in spirit but a W who is actually stronger because she has broken down her walls and come to realize that the world did not end and there are people out there who can care for her.
