I'm going to go out and just shoot really straight with you on something. Take it or leave it.
After reading your many posts on here (and many have been good and insightful) you leave me with a distinct impression about you so I'm going to share it with you. You may not like what I have to say, but it is the impression you leave me with....and well since I work with horses, I'm going to use them to explain.
You remind me so much of the cowboys I've known in my past who want to BREAK a horse, they want their spirit bent to their will. They don't want the horse to be a horse on his terms and WANT to work with the cowboy, the cowboy wants the horse to do what he wants come hell or high water....regardless of how he gets the horse to do it. What does this approach get him? A horse with a broken spirit....a mere shell on hooves.
From your responses in your posts, from your attitude in this PUSH, PUSH, PUSH approach of yours....from your attitude about the damage that's already been done to your kids in this situation you remind me of that cowboy who wants what he wants and is willing to risk any damage to the horse to get it. What are you going to end up with? Superficial improvement and a wife that does what you want just to shut you up.
A horse that is treated in a manner where someone is trying to break it's spirit will wait for the moment that the paddock gate is left unlatched and BOLT! A horse that is allowed to be the horse that it is (personality and all) will happily stand right next to you in a paddock, with the gate wide open....not wanting to leave your side...however this horse will also do whatever you want, because it WANTS to. Because the trainer/cowboy has approached it in a manner that doesn't make it feel threatened.
Now having said this....I really doubt that this analogy will help you much, because of your yes butting people to death with stuff like this in the past....defelecting, or simply excusing away bad behaviors because you've somehow justified them for yourelf. BTW...justifying a bad behavior still doesn't make it right.
Analogies don't tend to help those who insist on doing things their way. What I see you doing though is attempting to break your W's spirit, and she's fighting you tooth and nail to not let that happen.....just as a horse will for awhile....eventually though that horse will either attempt to lash out and hurt the person threatening it, or it will give up and have a broken spirit.....no longer a real horse but merely another tool for the cowboy to use.
I personally do believe that the improvements you are seeing are superficial ones and that she's simply biding her time right now. What (I) believe is actually happening is your wife is doing some things to simply appease you and shut you up....until that paddock door is left unlatched and she can bolt.
Ok...now go ahead and do your "yes-butting", or "I don't really care what you think"...I'm expecting them. I know you truly believe you are making progress with this approach....however this approach you've adopted would only result in a broken animal in any other training scenario.
Go ahead...fire away.
GEL
PS: I thought I ought to add this since this is also something I had in mind while writing this post to you Cobra. Stormy is the horse I was thinking of in my scenario with you Cobra. Stormy is aptly named....he's VERY headstrong, VERY stubborn, VERY high-spirited, very much wants to dominate and have things HIS way....much like your wife I believe lots of the time. I KNOW if I adopted the approach Cobra that you are using on your W on him....I'd end up hurt (he would lash out in a heartbeat). Use a gentle approach (which doesn't mean wimpy...but merely communicating with him in a way HE understands) and I find he WANTS to make me happy and we keep his wonderful personality in tact...and I end up with an amazing animal who would run his heart out for me if I asked him to....because he wanted to make me happy.
