I imagine your W really gets tired of feeling like you are her analyst, her therapist.
Yes, I know this, yet I will continue IF she does not take any initiative and work on the marriage. Remember, her best solution is to do nothing. That way she does not have to move forward and become vulnerable or move backward and deal with D. I have told her that staying in limbo is not acceptable to me.
I got the feeling from what you wrote that you are like a battering ram when you two get this way. That battering ram approach of (what appears to be) constant critiquing of her issues....which IMPO only validates her "I'm abused" stance.
Yes, this is the “stick.”
Don't you think that figuring out why she feels you are abusive would be helpful? Don't you think that trying to be empathetic to her and put yourself in her shoes to try to view your behavior toward her....would be helpful? I don't see you doing this.
Actually I have done this and this is the very point where we got stuck in counseling. It was the therapist who was pushing the issue. W came up with some lame reasons why she thought she was being ganged up on and stopped going. I agree that empathy is key, but in with my W, it is not sufficient. She has a hard time accepting compassion, gifts, caring, etc., so rather than open up to that compassion, she rejects it and puts up her deflections.
As far as the kids go, it was W who pulled them into a big discussion. She was trying to make the point that they would all want to live with her, that if I cared for them I would give her the house, I should not file but just stay in limbo, blah, blah, blah. This conversation backfired on her and it caught her as a surprise. I knew what the kids would want to do and there was little for me to discuss with them.
Only to this extent was the conversation useful because W came to realize the kids do not have undying loyalty to only her. That thought, the belief that she would get the house and full custody (or conservatorship) of the kids, that she had a pit bull for a lawyer, all served to strengthen her position in her mind, and sharply lower the need for her to negotiate or open her blinders. She was not willing to work on the marriage because she did not have to. I think she is realizing the playing field is more level and she needs to work together. She know the court will place S9 with his sisters. If they both say they want to stay in the house regardless of who owns it, then S9 will be in the house too. If W cannot keep the house, then her plan falls apart. Suddenly working on the marriage with me while I offer her as much compassion as I can starts to look attractive to her.
