At the end of my thread on Adult Attachment Disorder, sgctxok asked the following:
...DB doesn't lead you into your head, it leads you into action....the idea is that you can keep analyzing the reasons you're in a certain place in your relationship, but that doesn't necessarily lead you to the actions that will work for you.
But you don't have to wait to understand it before you take action. In fact you won't anyway....you will be doing something....but if you always do what you've always done, you'll most likely get the response you've always gotten.
And on Lil’s thread about Passive/Agression, sgctxok asked:
How do you guys have the energy to put into analyzing all of this? What are your non-verbal, your in-my-body-not-in-my-head solutions to try? Experiments and results? What are you trying?
I am becoming more and more convinced that most of the approaches we have discussed over many months are not geared toward breaking down the walls of a severe avoider, someone who has experienced some form a trauma. There are a few examples on this board. I think my wife is one. Others seem to be:
I am assuming Happy Giant is seeking professional counseling for his wife since we haven’t heard from him in a while (at least I hope so) and she seems to be the most extreme case of anyone here. Lil’s BF is also going to counseling. My wife and I have done the same for over 3 years, but are not seeing anyone at this time. For myself, we have tried most of the techniques discussed here, and like everyone else, the results have been disappointing. I believe there is value in these approaches, but I think trauma victims need to have an exceptionally high level of heat applied to the crucible before the toxin of their FOO can be adequately brought to a boil. Then they need lots of compassion and bonding.
This is where I strongly differ with the consensus on this board that you must accept the fact hat you cannot change someone else. I agree that it is always the others person’s choice whether to change or not. But I also believe that I can put lots of pressure on the other person to get them to change. The risk is that I push too far and cause a D. One the other hand, if I do not push hard enough a D results anyway. It is a very fine line IMO. But walking this line is actually LOW RISK, in that not doing so will eventually result in D anyway. In other words, there is little downside and tremendous upside. The risk/reward ratio is good. The only alternative is to resign yourself to living in limbo.
I know my idea rubs many the wrong way. I think some of this may be due to fear of being controlled, which is natural. I know that what I have put out has certainly come back to haunt me. But that is part of the price of change and so I persist because I see absolutely no other choice. If you keep hammering on the door, eventually the rust will break loose on the hinges and the door will start to budge. The door to my wife’s skeleton closet has started to creak. I intend to push it open and I told her so, saying “You’re going to have to open up your box and address those emotions or go ahead and D. There is no other way.” She did not rebut this since she knows it is true. But it scares her nevertheless.
So my point to you sgctxok is that I believe all this analysis is necessary in order to find the correct path, one that can identify a break in the armor of the trauma victim. I do not think DB or any other approach we have discussed is specifically geared toward this problem. Getting to the avoider is one of the toughest tasks to undertake. I have been told by a few therapists that working with a true OCD person is also extremely difficult. I see emotional avoiders as a less severe case of OCD. Both are avoiding as a protective maneuver. In the end action must be taken, and I think everyone here, including myself, is taking action.
