Since my last thread on Adult Attachment Disorder is getting long, I will start a new thread. I suspect there will be plenty of discussion here, so the extra space will be useful.
In the last post of my sitch several weeks ago I mentioned that things were going ok, but it would only be a matter of time until our next blowup. It didn’t take long to arrive. W has been picking up D13 and friends from school one day a week, sharing carpooling duties for after school volleyball games and practice. (Note that I have not participated in pickup since D13 said she was dropping out of TKD.) The season is now over but the last week of practice was about three weeks ago, W forgot to pickup D13 several times and one of her friends had to call her mother. D13 was majorly PO’d and embarrassed, and for good reason. W apologized the first time, then missed again, and again.
The last for pickup was at the last volleyball game. W went to watch and after the game (which was away) returned to the school to pickup D13 (who has to ride back on the bus with the other kids). Something fell through with coordinating all this and D13 could not get in touch with W to let her know what was going on (since W left her phone at work). D13 then tried to call W’s friend to come get her. This friend had just had surgery (hysterectomy or something) and should not be moving around, but she was trying to get D13! I think D13 ended up getting a ride from someone else, but when everyone got home, W had chewed out D13 for asking her friend for a ride.
That was more than I could take and I jumped in to tell W that she was the problem, not D13, that W’s ADD was not an excuse for forgetting her promises and she needed to do something to hold up her responsibilities. Furthermore, she should not be placing the needs of her friend over D13, that this 50 year old woman was perfectly capable of telling D13 she could not drive. I said it was not D13’s fault for asking but the friend’s fault (and lack of boundaries) for accepting. (This woman has a major problem asserting herself to anyone and W feels she is a victim in an abusive relationship, and W has a protective attitude toward her.)
Fast forward to two weeks ago…. I had given W a new cell phone earlier this year. She kept the wall charger at school but has since lost it (like that’s a surprise!) I had an extra one at home which she was using, but last Friday a week ago she said she could not find it and accused me of taking it. I specifically recall unplugging it one morning after she left, but leaving it on the window sill where she had it. The kids and I searched the house but could not find it. Sunday it turns up. She not only found it, but later comes around to admitting that she hid it in order to teach me a lesson, to feel what it is like to be accused of doing something she didn’t do. I still do not know what it is she is referring to, but I think she is really mad at me jumping on her about not picking up D13 from volleyball, but man was I pissed!!!
It occurred to me that she is really not into this relationship and has little desire to be. As we argued, all she could do was point to one fault or another of mine, so I asked her why she was still here. She said it was because of the kids (which is a reversal from her stance a few years ago when SHE thought we should D). I told her this was a deflection and a dodge of her own issues, that she was afraid to be the “bad guy” and file. I told her I was tired of chasing her and she needed to put forth some effort, become proactive and try to come up with ideas on how to make things work out between us. I told her I was looking into a good litigating attorney like she had, rather than the collaborative lawyer I first retained. That would level the playing field and we could let the lawyers go at it. She did say she would call around for a new counselor. I pulled a list of counselors who are covered under our insurance and gave it to her. She also said she would read Schlessinger to better understand my POV in this marriage.
I let a week pass by then this past Saturday asked her where things stood and what her intentions were. It turns out she did not have a chance to call any counselors, only read the first chapter of the book, and was wanting to find someone who could explain to me why I am the abusive partner. I told her it was obvious nothing had changed and I would file on Monday. I told the kids my intention.
She then called the kids together to “inform” them of what a selfish parent I was, and that I just wanted to find another woman. I told the kids this was not true. She turned the conversation turned to where would the kids want to live – with her or me. They are not stupid and replied that they wanted to stay in the house, regardless of who lived there. W said this shocked her that they might not want to live with her. It was a very effective boundary by the kids.
What came up was that W was thinking I should put the concerns of the kids first and agree to keep paying for the house, move out and let her and the kids live there. After they all were out of high school, we could sell the house. I told her no way, if the judge gave her the house, I would want my share of the equity right away, and that I had no intentions of being friends with her. She kept on about a couple down the street who did this, about how we could get adjacent town homes, or even wall the existing house into two apartments (yeah, that one was crazy).
Her plan has been to stick out the marriage as long as she could while she built up cash to buy out my share of the house. But this isn’t going to fly. She doesn’t have the money. I told her I could buy her out with help from my parents. We ended up leaving the conversation there. Later that night, we talked some more and I read her excerpts from Dieda, trying to explain to her what it was that I want in a marriage and what Dieda says is my responsibility as the H. These were some new concepts to her, but they got some mileage. I then read excerpts from Schlessinger (knowing full well she had no intention of reading it). She had the opinion Schlessinger was promoting the subjugation of women to men, but I think we gained some mileage here too. I stressed that I only wanted to be cared for and for her to be considerate of me. That did not mean spending lots of time together, but simple things like returning my phone call, being receptive to sex, in return for my providing the safe, nurturing environment in which she could build trust. We actually ended the night on a peaceful note.
Sunday was relaxed and she seemed to be making an effort to be engaged. I had a school parent/student tennis tournament/fundraiser with D15. She had a great time with al her friends and came home in a good mood, which helped. That evening I probed W’s mood a little further and asked if we could have sex, and she obliged. Monday she was talkative on the phone as we both drove home, and later she cleaned the kitchen while I watched TV with the kids (which is a change from the past few months where she focused on her school work and I prepared dinner and cleaned up). I knew she was tired, being a Monday, and I felt like I should help too, but I let her do the chores (I did scrub some pots later).
Before bed we talked a little more. She made a remark to me about still needing to protect herself. I told her that it sounded like she was still in the same defensive boat and only going through the motions, rather than really trying to work things out. We talked this over some and I explained to her that although I understood why she would make such a comment, there was nothing comforting or reassuring in it. She deflected by saying it was truthful and not meant to attack. I asked her what she could say to show some concern over the relationship and wanting to work on it, while still needing to protect herself. She literally could not come up with an answer, so I gave her some examples, which seemed to get my point across.
She kept going back to her “yeah, buts.” I told her to stop deflecting and just accept that both she and I want to have a connection and to feel cared for. She actually started to get a little emotional, really feeling sorry for herself, and then started to get upset. But she clamed down and decided to go to bed. I stood up took her arm and hugged her. She just stood there trying to deal with it. I told her she was just like D13 when she gets mad. She wants to be held but wants to push away and hit at the same time. If you stay she gets mad, but if you leave she gets madder. W said that D13 had at least learned to ask to be held when she is upset. It told W she could learn from D13.
As W left to bed, I rubbed her butt, which made her uncomfortable. She made an interesting comment to me, saying “Don’t mix sex with emotions,” and went to bed. I will be exploring that comment in the next few weeks. It says a lot about the mindset of an avoider and a trauma victim.
So far this week, things have been really good. Both Monday and Tuesday night W came home from school early to spend some time with S9. She cooked dinner last night while ran to the store to pick up a few items and then I went for a quick jog. She cleaned up some of the dishes and helped with the rest. She seems to be getting the message and I am trying to respond. She is talking and interacting with me like you would expect in a “normal” healthy relationship. I hope this means she understands that holding onto her resentment will not accomplish anything, that the only way to let that go is to just let it go. I hope we can stay on this level.
