Lissett asked me to come check on you - so here I am.
First of all - I'm sorry you find yourself here. But know that you are in good company - okay you're in the best company. The people on the boards here are awesome and without their help, I would still be crying and sobbing every single day.
For starters, the one thing you will need to understand is that regardless of how immediate you want to fix/address these problems, the timeline as to how this will play out is not going to be of your making. There are a lot of things that you will think you can do to help this. And there are. But what you must also realize is that much of this is out of your hands. The only person you can control right now is yourself. One of the best things (if not absolutely necessary things) you can do is to first - take care of yourself.
Are you a spiritual guy? This is a prayer that has helped me a lot. It is the Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
There is much that is simply out of your hands. Your W is one of them. Right now she is going to think, say, and feel whatever she wants and there is nothing you can do about it. She is going to say things you never thought possible about you, your M, herself, ____________ (choose any other ones here). She will paint your M as a gloomy dark plague that held no meaning for her. She will align herself with those who support her and her cause. She will justify her actions, words, behaviors with logic that will make you want to rip all of your hair out.
But you want to know why? No one knows for sure. But most would suspect she is hurting inside and wants to feel better. She needs someone to blame for the way she feels and unfortunately you are an easy target.
As Lissett said - don't believe what she says. She wants to attack you and your M - because it supports her current "only option" path of getting a D. Why does she want a D? I don't know - maybe because she feels that a fresh start will make her feel better. My W said she needed to get rid of baggage and getting a D would solve that. It doesn't. You know that. I know that. But the MLCer doesn't.
From my experience - you say your W may be in a EA, but not PA. I hate to tell you this, but a woman are emotional creatures while men tend to be physical creatures. If she is in an EA - this could be more desirable to her than a PA as she will feel a strong emotional connection to this person. Unfortunately, this draw becomes intoxicating and they cannot stop wanting this person. I hope your W isn't in an EA or PA, but in the end it doesn't matter much. She is still planning to leave.
My advice to you is to first of all take a deep breath. If you need to cry - then cry. Get it all out. Take as much time as you need, but don't (I repeat DON'T) let her see you cry if you can help it. I sleep like a log. When the bomb was dropped on me - I couldn't sleep at all for months. Do what you can to take care of yourself during this time (eat right, exercise, and try to rest if you cannot sleep). You are going to need your strength to get through this.
Turn to prayer if you are a spiritual guy. If nothing else, you can sometimes fall asleep in prayer - there is something about the inner peace it can give you that helps you rest.
Detach, Detach, Detach. You are going to hear this over and over again. It is going to scare the living crap out of you. I'll repeat this. It is going to scare the living crap out of you. But it is necessary. You cannot control your W. What she is going to say and do is going to drive you nuts. You have to detach from it. It doesn't mean that something she says/does won't bother you. Detaching just means letting it bother you less and less.
You need to work on yourself right now. What do you need to do for you? DBing will have you do some 180s. That is a start. Find things that your W may have complained about before - things that you maybe aren't too proud of doing/not doing and use these as ideas for 180s. We can help you with 180s and goals if you like. Post them for us to see and help you with.
GAL is important. You want to set up a situation where you can attract your W back to you. Make her question what she is doing or why she is leaving you. Be that person that she wants to be with. Not by following her or asking for physical connection,etc. But by acting "as if", being confident, happy, etc. GAL shows you have other things in your life other than your W - can also create some mystery that can help as well.
Regarding C - get some for yourself. Your W's T sounds good, but if he is "siding" with you a bit (while good for you - let's you know you are not crazy) - W will pick up on this and ditch the T. She wants people around her that agree. IMHO - I think MC right now is too early. She (and maybe you too) need individual C. What your W will need to realize at some point is that she doesn't need to leave the M to work on herself. But SHE HAS TO REALIZE THIS. You cannot tell her. Which brings me to my next point:
Do not bring up the R or M! Let her come to you with talks about the R or M.
Finally, I don't know how patient a guy you are. But let me say this. I was not patient at all. I have learned more patience in 8 months than I knew was possible. Patience is so key. If you don't have it, you will learn it one way or the other. Patience, patience, patience.
Again, I am so sorry you find yourself here. But the people here can help - more than that - they know what you are going through and they want to help you. I want to help you.
Keep posting and journaling so we can help. In the mean time, I suggest you work on your goals, 180s, GALS and post them for us.
My heart goes out to you. I will say an extra prayer for you tonight.
