My sitch as new topic

[Sherman333]

Just read your thread. You're going to need to take the long view on this and start making thinking about what you're going to want for your life.

I don't know if any of this will help, but...

A lot of what MLC is about is the integration of her repressed emotions from her childhood. When you're facing the spew sessions a lot of what your wife will be saying will actually have nothing to do with you. A lot of it will be her projecting her repressed emotions. She will be externalizing her feelings. You're going to learn a lot about all this unfortunately and this is why its so necessary for you to detach. So your emotional state is unaffected by what she says and you can stay in control of you.

One of the things that took a little bit for me to see is that your emotions are your own and you can control them: the fear, the anger, the joy, the happiness, love, etc. You can choose them all. Don't let the effort to learn how stop you. The key is to recognize that they all come from you and only you. If you let another person control your emotional state you'll have trouble detaching.

A large part of what a marriage does is to bring the person face to face with themselves and give them an opportunity to become a whole person. And it's only in terms of long-term committed relationships that this occurs. In a large number of cases, one or both people in the relationship aren't showing who they really are. They aren't sharing themselves. Overtime it's impossible to not do this and thus begins where you are at. An analogy is that a person is holding their breath and trying to walk a mile... sooner or later you have to take a breath.

Anyway, thought I'd share some things that helped me in the spew sessions I faced. They are listed below. I would also recommend that you pay attention to your behaviors. You setup how you are treated tomorrow by what you do today.

1. Shut-up and listen – If you aren't actively listening you're not paying attention.
2. Don't argue – Arguing only provides a stick so the other person can beat you with and only serves to bring out the negative emotions in the other person
3. Empathize and/or agree – If you can't empathize, look for something in the other person's statement that is true that you can agree with. They might be 90% wrong, but agree with the 10% that is correct. This takes away the wall that the other person's negative emotions need to crash against. Without something to crash against the other person is more likely to give up their negative feelings.
4. Make yourself happy – If you aren't happy with you, why would anyone else want to be around you?
5. Don't assume the outcome – People can change and grow. Making this assumption cuts them short and never gives them the opportunity.

Strategies for Dealing with Another Person (most taken from Carnegie)
1. Be generous with praise and honest appreciation
2. Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
5. Let the other person save face.
6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
10. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
11. Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
12. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
13. Begin in a friendly way.
14. Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
15. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
16. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
17. Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
18. Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
19. Appeal to the nobler motives.
20. Dramatize your ideas.
21. Throw down a challenge.
22. If the person gets off topic in a discussion you have the right to bring them back to the original topic. To do this successfully, use the words "I'll be happy to talk to you about WHATEVER at some other time but right now we are talking about BLAH"