Well I am new here. I have been lurking for a few weeks and finally took the plunge to sign up. These MLC resources have been helping. Even more than my Therapist who doesn't quite get it. I have been with my W for 12 glorius years and married for 10. She turns 38 next week and I turned 50 in June I am however a young 50. We have no kids by choice. We have a great dog .
I have been the happiest man in the entire world for the past 11 1/2 years with a beautiful loving kind understanding supportive wife. Six months ago my world began to crumble. My Father became ill at 87 a great loving guy and close to my W. My wife found a cist and endometriosis. My W had a falling out with her Father over childhood issues (no abuse). I turned 50 and we had our 10 yr anniversary.
All this hit my wife hard and sent her into what I believe is MLC. All the signs are there. She announced she was in counseling last Summer which is good but we used to discuss everything so when she told me that I saw that I was in a different marriage than I thought I was.
This is hell. I saw a post that mentioned grieving the loss of the marriage you had that has helped to realize that is over and I must rebuild. She is in the replay stage of MLC mostly right now though they do overlap with other stages.
I won't go into all the little details but this has been a very hard time for me with my Father's ongoing illness and with my W physically here but mentally gone. I believe she has a EA going on but swears no PA. She is very against cheating (well at least the old her was, not so sure now)since that was her father who left the family when she was 15's mo.
Any way I am glad I found this place. My grieveing stage started when the I love you but am not in love with you bomb landed on 9/10/06. I am more hopeful than then. Though last night I had a bad dream about her twice in the same night and woke up both times crying. Only to wake up to the fact that I am still going through this. I try not to dwell on my this and not be constantly at the effect of her moods but if you're here you know that aint easy.
PS sorry for some typos. Wanted to add we have not had sex since she found out about the cist. She needed to get it removed before we could have sex because it was uncomfortable which I understand, which happened in August. It was benign. But still no sex now because of the MLC. Tried to hold hands a few weeks ago and she did but said she only did so because she felt obligated to and didn't feel anything. It has gotten a little better since we kissed a little last Saturday night before going out.
Any way I will post more when I have time and as things come to me.
"Livin' with that woman is like livin' all alone"
I reposted this as a new topic still trying to figure out forum operations sorry if this is a no no.
Welcome to our land of limbo and never ending answers to nothing. The only thing that is certain, is that it will be the wildest ride you ever got pushed onto, and couldn't escape.
Get ready to learn things about yourself, and her, you never wanted to know. The books say in the end, you will learn that you are a better person than you are led to believe at this moment. I agree.
The books say in the end, she will have changed from a bug into a beautiful butterfly. Hhmmm. Not sure I agree with that one, but maybe I don't know my butterflies. There are good resources here, great people, and lots of reading references that can help you prepare for your next life, whatever that is. I think it is the one this leads us to.
Problem is, this seems like an infinite loop so often it is hard to imagine there being another one, a better one ahead. Don't despair. There is one. It is better. We find it in our own time, when we are ready. It is different for each of us. The outcome is different for each of us. It is always better than the roller coaster ride we started our posts with.
Well she got home from yoga at 10pm. It goes from 7-8:15 but her friend does teach so they do go out after. I read DR the first 80 pages and went to bed before she got home, something I don't always do. We did chat a little small talk and a couple of laughs before sleep. A peck on the lips and good night.
In the morning we have always hugged to start the day. Something I now must initiate. Today I did not. She went downstairs and I said are you leaving and she said yeah so I said alright see ya later. I did not go down for a hug. Man that was tough. I guess thats what I am supposed to do. I am new at this.
I feel like I should keep these things that we always did alive so there is some contact I am confused about this. Help.
Thanks I will look at his stuff. Well the kiss on the lips was more like a peck. But it is something. Anyone out there have any other ideas about the hugging thing?
I think all these WAS's feel differently about hugs, or any other physical contact. As for me, I can't touch my H, it is like he is allergic to me, or I will set him on fire. (see it could be worse)
but some accept the hugs, and are ok with it and being physical.
I would say you have to feel her out, notice i said feel her out not feel her up, you rascal.
you will see iin time, what your W feels ok with.
“Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.”
Don't initiate the hugging everytime. I am a hugger & found that WAH was not open to our usual hugs & had to back off. This was a 180 for me & will be for you if you use to do this every morning.
Sometimes our S must miss what use to be the norm, in order to want it back.
An opportunity will come up, maybe a celebration hug, or a group hug with your pet. Just don't push too hard, been there, done it & had to back peddle.
Sending positve thoughts your way.
MariS
"Going for the Gold & not the Booby prize"
Become the change you want to see.....
Me - 37 WAH - 35 child - 2yrs Separated - August '06 Married - 10yrs, Together 18 Not feeling WAH's internal struggle - Feb '08
Thank you all. It really helps to be a part of this board. I would be walking around in mystery all day otherwise. I see fixer has similar things going on. Thanks Lisset for mentioning him.
Well went to my W's T with her at my urging. After speaking with me the T said I was not the man she had been describing. That I was very emotionally available. She was very withdrawn throughout the session the T had to draw her out. She has childhood issues..... I am a nuturer and her parents were nurturers that turned on her.
She has felt I don't have the depth to understand this. Anyway her T said she was not to make any major decisions for 6 mos it has been only four of her C. Her T urged her to get MC with me for the next 2 mos. Seems like she has already made up her mind that it won't work. I like her T she is a good one and we hit it off great. Originally my W had wanted me to come so her T could explain why she wanted to leave. We went deeper.
I told her I did not realize the depth of her pain and she said she did not either.
