I feel your pain. You're a veteran compared to me...but what you describe is frighteningly similar to my sitch. I have also accepted responsibility for the parts of our marriage that I did not tend to adequately/properly. I've said I'm sorry, promised (and begun) to make changes, committed to counseling, and asked for forgiveness. I've offered her forgiveness for the affair and unconditional love.
In return, I've received none (not one) of these things. It is all about what she "deserves", what I haven't done, what I haven't said, etc. etc. I'm not perfect and I know I've made mistakes (most of which have been out of ignorance...not malice). But after a while I know how the constant barrage wears on you (and you've been suffering it a lot longer than I have).
I can't really offer any advice as it's pretty clear I haven't the slightest idea what I'm doing. But I will tell you that I've felt a lot better doing the LRT and GAL. I haven't closed the door on reconciliation (though I don't even see how that would be possible), but I've also moved on. I don't give my STBX opportunity to nail me (except in counseling) and I don't tell her much of anything about my life now for the same reason.
As I see it, when you move on, you make yourself a better person and that is either good for your R (if it should come back together) or it's good for the next person in your life. And if that turns out to be someone you might want to spend the rest of your life with and your WAW is still waffling, then you'll probably know at that point whether or not it's time to pull the plug.
One thing I can say for certain is this. I've stopped worrying about when I should feel something and have started letting myself feel things in my own time. When I felt strong enough to attend the church we were married in, I did...and survived (though it was tough and three weeks after the separation might have been pushing it). I no longer worry about how long I should go to counseling. I'll know when I no longer need it. And if my WAW should, through some kind of divine intervention, decide she doesn't want to throw it all away, when that time comes I'll know how I feel about it, about her, and about anyone else who might be in my life at the time and I think the answer will be obvious. I just have to remember that I don't know that now and can't...I just have to accept that I will then.
Good luck to you. I hope I can muster the patience you've shown. You're an inspiration.
