Hello all - It has been a while. My wife 1st told me she wanted a divorce on July 1,'05. I had been seeing a therapist for a few years and we had just begun to go as a couple of 4 or 5 sessions. I managed to coerce her into staying together for 6another 6 months. At the time I didn't know about the DB principles. We stayed together through last Christmas - tho it was very tense at times and many times my wife indicated that she wanted out. She was encouraged to give it one last try in January and we began seeing a new therapist. Then after about 5 sessions she announced that she wanted a divorce in early March. We separated on March 19. We did this through the guidance of our church. The therapist said he would only see me as my wife was not willing to work on the marriage.
All last spring and summer I tried to reconcile. Not in an overt way, but more subtle like the last resort. I did try to meet with my wife a couple of times a week just to listen to her.
Then on Labor Day she indicated that she was going to file and did so in early September. I finally came to accept that, although I tried hard to reconcile, it takes two will persons. I accepted the fact that I would be divorcing, talked to our 2 sons (ages 10 & 12) and hired an attorney. The best thing I did, however, was to join a divorce support group through one of the major churches in Chicago.
After living in ext4edned stay and sleeping on my parents couch for the last 7 1/2 months, I have found a nice apartment that can double as an office for my architectural practice. I am currently living sleeping and doing consulting work out of my parents den - they have a one bedroom condo.
After six months of watching our house burn (yes, I am a bit bitter!) our church finally decided to intervene in early October. They wrote a joint letter to both of us asking for us to repent. They asked my wife to stop divorce proceedings and asked me to contest the divorce (I don't think their up to date on divorce law in Illinois)
In any event, it impacted my wife. She now says that she believes divorce is a sin, although separation is not. She wants to postpone the divorce, but is not ready to reconcile. She wants to wait and see how I perform (maybe 2 or 3 years), and then evaluate the situation and deiced whether we should reconcile.
There is nothing I would like more than to see us as a happy couple. Although I did not want this divorce and am open to reconciliation, I do not like being in limbo and would like to get on with my life. I don't know what to do.
My wife has indicated that she is going to withdraw her petition to divorce. I feel this indefinite separation is vague and subjective. I feel that she is always raising the bar in terms of saying if He does such and such, I'll consider reconciliation. I'm tired and frustrated and feel this is a moving target. If she goes through with this and does not agree to pursue reconciliation, I feel that I will be tempted to file. After all I do feel she has abandoned me and will not own up to her share of the demise. My wife is very confused right now - I say that with a feeling of empathy. In one week she went from wanting to leave the state to staying in our house to saying she found a house and is going to make an offer the next day! Last month told me that she does not want me helping around the house and that when I do it never amounts to anything. Now she is angry at me and complains that she has to do all the housework, take care of the boys (I'm 30-45 minutes away), etc.
So.....I'm asking for suggestions. Is this (indefinite separation) the "watch and wait" period-meaning I just have to be patient? Or is my wife just dragging my chain - another way for her to be in control - and, I suspect, appease the people at our church.
While some feel I should be jumping for joy, I tired and skeptical. I have been on this roller-coaster for a long time.
