staring a new post, I want to leave my old thread behind and try to put behind me the reason I started that thread.
H and I are more at ease with each other, I don't fret so much about the past anymore, other than yesterday, the thoughts of the other dont' come much to me, I thank God for that. I actully are more relaxed and are taking it easy, so I'll just post here when I find a nugget of wisdom from my book "healing the hurt in your marriage" which I recommend to anyone I find in the boards.
From Muddle's post over in infidelity, I think this is something we all need to think about...
Quote: Things that inspire bad feelings or bad moods cause very long lasting imprints on the brain. Focusing on such things can inspire lasting damage in 30 seconds or so. However, things that inspire good feelings and moods require constant effort in focusing on the positives - they do not imprint the brain the way negative events do. So, if your spouse doesn't take an active role in constantly reassuring themselves of your good qualities and they associate bad feelings with you (it doesn't have to be something that occurs or occurred in reality, they could even imagine the slight) your fault will always be far more a part of their reality than positive contributions (even those exponentially larger than the percieved fault). This is physiologically true.
To thrive in a relationship, we are required to maintain our positive emotive state towards our spouse through discipline and our spouse must do the same for us. This requires a fairly advanced level of self awareness to regulate and manage your own mood. It's quite apparent that the passively involved state of being that the cheating spouse is in where feelings happen to them (rather than being responses to thoughts that they can control as well as real events) makes it difficult to imagine them making the leap to the level of self control and responsibility required to be a good spouse.
When you talk about things lacking, that implies there was a kernal of whatever is seen to be lacking there. If the focus is on that which IS there - it's seen as a positive - then good feelings emerge. Therefore, I implore you to maintain your focus on the positive - appreciate things about your spouse. Regulate your feelings for them through your thoughts.
If you recognize that you have had a negative thought, offset that with 5 positive thoughts. Appreciate them. Lead by example.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat, I remember when I started in here and your post to me was one of the reasons that ikept going and started to work hard on healing. I was hoping you could take a few minutes and hop on my thread in Newcomers and read my last few big posts and give me some input. I am at a crossroads where my M will either get better or end. If you could, please take a look and impart any wisdom that you can share.
Wow. I'll have to check in more regularly on Muddle's thread if that is the kind of wisdom he regularly imparts. Such a great reminder for me today, when I am in the midst of negative feelings toward my H. There really is so much positive, if I look back over the last two years. Just not where I want to be yer, but few of us are! Thanks for posting that on your thread - I check in on you pretty often. It's great to read about someone who seems 6 months or so ahead of me - inspiring to say the least.
God Bless, BethJ
H 40
Me 40
married 15 years
5 children aged 2-11
Bomb 2-6-05
Now we are piecing, I think
ok, I just MUST copy toughlover's phrase so we can all chisel it onto our brains for future reference when our feelings carry our brain away
Quote: However, letting those feelings of despair dictate your attitude and behavior now is really just doing what the cheaters did: allowing your feelings to control you, rather than making sound choices then following through regardless how it feels sometimes.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Well, I've uncovered the white elephant that is in MY side of the room. Apparently H went from "it's too painful/uncomfortable to talk about the affair" to "are you still thinking about that?" Something went off in my head yesterday and I just had to send him two emails.
One about why I still think about the A even though I've forgiven him with passages from that A article I always post every where,and a few other paragraphs about why A happens since for while he coudlnt' understand why he'd sunk so low.
Quote: Any gender-based generalization is both irritating and inaccurate, but some behaviors are typical. Men tend to attach too little significance to affairs, ignoring their horrifying power to disorient and disrupt lives, while women tend to attach too much significance, assuming that the emotions are so powerful they must be "real" and therefore concrete, permanent, and stable enough to risk a life for.
Their brain chemistry gets depressed, but they don't know how to feel it as depression. Their loved ones try to kee from bothering them, try to keep things calm and serene - and isolate them further
An emotionally retarded man may go for a time without feeling pleasure, pain, or anything else, untd a strange woman jerks him back into awareness of something intense enough for him to feel it - perhaps sexual fireworks, or the boyish heroics of rescuing hff, or perhaps just fascination with her constantly changing moods and never-ending emotional crises.
With her, he can pull out of his depression briefly, but he sinks back even deeper into it when he is not with her. He is getting addicted to her, but he doesn't know that. He only feels the absence of joy and love and life with his serenely cautious wife and kids, and the awareness of life with this new woman
The 2nd email explained him that even though he's been wornderful these past weeks, not knowing certain things about the A was making me obsess about it. Maybe I screwed up, but the thing is... I felt free!!! even not really knowing he'd even answered it felt like I put down the bag of crap(A) off my back and ...it felt good.
With some modifications not shown, this is the bulk of the email I sent, straight from a support website, a letter from a guy to his wife who had an A. (H was supposed to talk to me last night, but alas! he didnt' check his email, so we may/may not have "the talk" tonight over the phone, our 9th anniversary):
Quote:
"To ... "I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.
"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.
"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.
"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.
"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Quote: The 2nd email explained him that even though he's been wornderful these past weeks, not knowing certain things about the A was making me obsess about it. Maybe I screwed up, but the thing is... I felt free!!!
Good on ya!!!!!!!!!
See there you were direct about something without being manipulative or demanding, and complimentary as well, and just stated the fact and got it out there and let him know how tough that was for you. It's his choice to respond to that at this point and as long as you don't bug him about it, maybe he will?
The same thing worked with my W; she was much more sympathetic to my position and willing to help a little when I was able to express the emotional realities in a non-emotional and honest way without demanding any kind of response. I said it once and let it go and she was open to that.
Not saying it will work with your H, but you were open and honest and direct without being too needy and stuff.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
yep, I can pretty much guess his initial reaction, he'd sigh deeply and shake his head at the articles I found written by "quacks"
Oh well, it's out there, I put my insecurities on the open, my misgivings, and even if he doesn't want to answer my questions, I plan to leave many of that baggage out there for the sun to consume it.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
