Be careful about the meds though. If they level her out for a bit you might get lulled into believing that she is changing and then you're right back where you started. Just be very careful and keep your eyes open my friend.
Stand up for what is right, even if you are standing alone.
The sitch is quite terminal and I know that any time she starts having second thoughts I only need to wait a few hours until she changes her mind back. This has happened countless times and by now I just ignore it.
So, last weekend I ask what is happening for NYE, and she says we'll just hang around the house with the kids. Then about mid-week I am informed that she is "going out", with no other explanation. Hmmm. So then yesterday I flat out asked her where she was going. She was going to a mutual couple's house to a large party. Apparently, I'm not invited. Okay. At 1AM the phone rings (Happy New Year!), and it is the wife of the couple, informing me W has passed out on her couch after having too much to drink. Not sure how that goes with her meds, but I don't even know what she's taking (none of my business - so I've been told). Anyway, I just said thanks for the call. W shows up about 10am, saying she didn't want to drink and drive (score one for common sense, -1 for alcohol abuse), and proceeds to the bathroom to get sick. Nice. She want's to be primary caregiver and she's doing this.
She did this (got sick after drinking too much) in November after our running club party. So that's twice in about two months. Not sure that's full case of addiction, but just another thing I need to watch for as the sitch progresses. So much fun.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
Well, last weekend we did another round of "I'm not sure getting a D is the right thing..." and even though I did my best to ignore it, I still got my hopes up a bit. This one only lasted 12 hours, but it still hurt like hell when she reverted.
For quite a while now, she has been completely opposed to us working out the deal ourselves. She's said I'm "too smart and too verbal" for her to feel comfortable doing that. But now, $8K in with only one two-hour meeting to show for it, she's beginning to think it might be a good idea to try to work out something.
But she constantly feels I'm trying to rip her off. She cited our coaching session a few weeks ago, where we agreed that since I make twice what she does, I would pay twice as much to the coach. It was $400, and I paid $270, she $130. But she thought I was ripping her off by not paying..., ah, er, hmm, oh, I guess I did pay the right amount! She had convinced herself that I didn't and I had to practically draw her a picture before she realized I had.
So we are going to dip our toes in the water and see if we can trust each other enough to split everything up fairly. Of course, if we could do that, it means we probably could figure out how to fix our marriage, but that irony will elude her, I'm sure.
More later.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
Finally sat down (actually laid down in bed) and had a first round of discussion. Though there is not agreement yet, at least she sees what I'm asking for is not the world. She is not agreeing to split the kid time 50-50, and therefore wants CS. I want to have the kids half time (I feel it's only fair since they are mine, too) and I proposed spliting the actually cost of kid care, proportional to our salaries. She is saying she doesn't want to have to negotiate the payments every month (like if shes take them out for dinner and puts that on the kid bill, then we have to figure out what is fair on that expense - I suggested we draft rules for it, but she is claiming she doesn't want to talk to me about anything other than kids after the D). She might have a point. But I thought having the kids half time and then writing her a check for $3k a month didn't sound fair either. So we haven't agreed on anything, but at least we didn't get in a fist fight.
She started quite a few sentences starting with the word "You..." and I tried to get her to stop doing that. She does well if she has time to sleep on things, so I'll see what she has to say tomorrow.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
I think I may be posting in the wrong forum, since we are working on the D.
We had our second collaborative D meeting today. It was fairly productive. We tried once this week to start to work out the deal ourselves, and didn't really get too far. The attys were recommending that we not get ahead of ourselves, and let the process work. So we detailed all the financials and plan to talk to the financial guy ASAP. The attys said just doing that put us six months ahead of where we would be in an adversarial proceeding, so we are ahead of the game. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not!
W was understated and quiet. I think after some of the things that happened after the last one, she didn't want to get things going again. So, next meeting in two weeks if the attys don't have a conflict.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
Not much to report since the last meeting except she agreed to split the kid time 50-50. She said she couldn't think of a single reason I shouldn't have as much time with them as she does. She said they are turning out as well as they are due to my parenting skills, and that she doesn't want them to miss out on me. Apparently one of her D friends had been telling her to take a hard line with me on that because her friend had a bunch of trouble with her ex. But W decided our sitch is much different and that advice was wrong. So, at least that looks to be resolved.
Then again, stuff does change all the time, so we'll see.
Other than that pretty quiet. Looking to see the financial guy in a week or so, and the next atty meeting is the end of next week. At that time we plan to work out the parenting plan and schedule. Not sure when I'll move out, but once that is decided I can't think of a reason to hang around here anymore. The financals will be resolved in a fairly narrow window whether I'm in the house or not.
I'm ready for this nightmare to be over so I can get on with my life.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
Had several meetings today, the first financial meeting and the third 4-way atty meeting. Financial meeting went okay, but we had some issues in the atty meeting. W is repeatedly asking for more stuff from me because she "gave up ten years of her career" and now should be compensated for that. Also, she thinks agreeing to 50-50 custody is a huge concession and I should basically roll over on everything else because of it. I agree its a very good start but that doesn't mean I just give her everything from here on out.
Made some progress digging up issues that exist, and I think the next meeting will go better, but this just sucks. She says I've given up nothing, and she feels like she's given everything so far. Right, I just lose my house, half the next nine years with my kids, and half my net worth, but I'm giving nothing. The finance guy said if we both feel like we got flattened, then the D will be fair. Well, so far, it's working.
Last edited by built4speed; 02/03/0704:08 AM.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
This weekend sucked. We tried to sit down and pay the bills, an easy thing, right? Nope. She is swearing at me and calling me names. She is convinced I am hiding money from her and says that I am out to screw her at every turn. Basically, any time I express a preference for something in the negotiations that isn't exactly how she wants it, I'm an a-hole. I finally had to walk away, half the bills not paid. I went to get a shower and she comes in the bathroom crying her eyes out, wailing. I want to comfort her but she has removed me from that role, so I just finish my shower and leave the bathroom.
After we both calm down, we finish the bills and she says we will not be sitting down together to pay them any more. I'm not sure what that means, because there will be at least one more cycle of this before I move. She says she is one inch away from abandoning the collaborative D and filing a traditional D. Yeah, newsflash, this is hell on eveyone, welcome to the club. As a gesture to calm her down I agree to pay a deposit on our kids tuition at the private school out of one of my accounts. Then, tonight when i got home after the Superbowl, there is a note from her saying I am now responsibile for all my own bills, implying we are not paying as a team anymore. Great, I drain my account and now we're on our own. Just what I get for being a nice guy. Now I need to decide if it is worth fighting about that. This sucks.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
So, here we are! After our last 4-way meeting, our attys kind of chewed us out for not acting very collaboratively. There was too much positioning, lack of trust and disrespect flying around the room. It took a week for things to calm down, and Sunday we got into a discussion about all the parameters of the settlement, and got about 90% of them worked out. So when we go to our next meeting on Friday, we'd like to get to the point where they a can start to write it up.
It'a a bit weird getting to the end. I'm sadder than I guessed I'd be. It will be weird being out of her life, and becoming strangers over time. I don't like it at all.
But I will get to share the kids 50-50. My C said I need to decide what is really important to me and try to make that happen. It looks like it will. Yeah, I could probably get a better deal with some more hardball, but I'm just done.
So in a month or two it could be final. I'm so off balance, dating just seems like a fantasy. I need to do some of my own things for a while and see what happens.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
