It is a definite shock to the system at first when the person you think you know.. well.. starts down the hill ! At first it is slow.. barely perceptible and then .. well you cant miss it !... How are things with you this evening, btw ?
Things are ok with me Tom. Thanks for asking. I'm actually in a pretty good place. I've gotten some answers as to why my W is the way she is and as I've been DBing and distancing I'm seeing all the things in that regard that I have been kind of hiding from myself for a long time. Things are changing in ways that have made me much more self-confident and more self-assured no matter how my M turns out. I still have a long road with the health of my eldest and the emotional well-being of my younger two but I'm not in a bad place at all. I mu=ght even become a poster child for self-preservation through DBing, lol.
Stand up for what is right, even if you are standing alone.
No icicle bashing or anything. Thanks for thinking of me.
Things have calmed down after the "wild" weekend. The tone is definitely different, however. For the first time in the over two year nightmare, I finally drew a line in the sand that said, "You've crossed a boundary I can't ignore." That was when I got the police involved. My C has been after me for a while, because I have basically been letting her run wild and I wouldn't push back. So, finally, I pushed back and the result was, that NOW I'm not trustworthy, NOW we will not ever be friends, NOW there is no way she ever getting back with me, and NOW we aren't going to dinner together any more, etc.
It's funny in a sick kind of way. I'm accused of eye-for-an-eye behavior, and when I draw line that says violence is not tolerated, she, in the following two day period, said all of the above, plus indicated she will give me no extra time with the kids other than what is in the decree; told me I'm not allowed to sit with her at the table at the running banquet next month where my D14 is getting an award; and various other "threats". Some of these she did back down on after she calmed down, and I just kept my mouth shut and let her vent. But it's interesting to see who has the real backstabbing issue. But at least now I know what to expect when I do stand up for myself - I'm an a-hole!
I'm also being accused of playing games throughout this whole D, while she: gets a storage locker, PO Box, checking acct, credit card and squirrels away $10k without my knowledge; goes through my computer looking "for anything with a dollar sign on it", justifying her privacy violations because my computer is a "family" computer because I have the digital photos and iPod songs on it - meanwhile she keeps her laptop in her car; gives files to her atty without my consent - in a "collaborative D"; commits battery against me in front of the kids; treats herself to the entire balance of my checking account - and then pays all our bills with it (I'm not sure if that ever ends up in front of the judge he'll think she's malicious or just stupid); tells me she is limiting my interaction with the kids; etc.
So, bottom line, we are still proceding with the D, she is willing to work on a "parenting plan" with me, but is scared to death to negotiate the financials without her atty with her. I'm so "untrustworthy". I "always take my half out of the middle." Right, that's why she had complete control of the spending for the last 20 years; unlimited access to cars, large home, health club, vacations, clothes, my expertise, kids in private school; we're sending $1000s to her parents; I put 100s of hours on honey-do projects. But I'm just taking. When I asked to have my needs met, her response is she's not turned on by me, never should have married me and me wanting sex is a crime. And her agreeing to sex is no guarantee; it's rape if she decides it is later.
At this point, we're $12K in and have had one atty meeting. This week's was again cancelled due to atty conflicts. She does not like her atty, but doesn't want to reset to zero. But won't negotiate with me without him.
She's an idiot.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
At this point I suggest you have an attorney for yourself too even if you prefer that he be on a standby.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Oh, I have my own atty, too. Between hers and mine, the collaborative (4-way) meetings run about $10 a minute.
We could work out about 80% of the issues today, but no, we have to have her idiot guy there holding her hand. So today, we have zero percent worked out. And the attys are loving it, I'm sure. Even though she's no dummy (undergrad degree in three years, and then an MBA), she needs a man to tell her what to do. She calls me overcontrolling because I had an opinion about not having the kids in daycare and which house I liked, but now she needs some guy controlling her end of the negotiations. This just keeps getting better and better.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
B4, I know you want to be nice about all this, but considering the mental state of you W I still think it would be better to abandon the whole collaborative thing and sue for custody of the kids. She's working now, make her pay support even if its minimal. In the end it will be better for your kids and and you know it. You have an awful lot of ammunition now and with the way the collaborative process is working you will likely even get off cheaper.
Ask yourself honestly...are you going to get any better deal for you or your kids through the collaborative process? I think the true answer is no, she will never agree to anything that looks like and advantage to you. She is too sick, but you have to see that yourself.
Stand up for what is right, even if you are standing alone.
It's hard because the major trouble spots are only a small percentage of the total. Most of our time together is trouble-free. It's that last few percent that are trouble. I'd like to get a bit into the negotiations and see what will happen. Could I get a "better" deal it I went for custody? Probably, but that is not the bottom line. I'm going to be dealing with her for the rest of my life and the less drama we have here on out, the better. So, I understand what you're saying, but I can't go there yet. She started on some meds, so that might keep the future battery charges down to a minimum.
If, on the other hand, we get into that type of trouble again, I will be forced to a new decision. I really, really hope it doesn't come to that.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
