Suddenly, a small ray of hope

[attorneytom]

B4S:

Please help us here in this time of need ! This young man is where you have been and could use some wisdom ! Extemely similar situation my friend. Thank You !

Tom

[built4speed]

It's not my job anymore to point out W's personality faults. That will be the new guy's job. I'm done with it. And I don't want to get D14 in the middle of it, she's upset enough already.

The first atty meeting is today. I have been dreading this day for over two years. I've always felt that if we got into the legal system, the game is over. The D will now take on a life of it's own, as the attys push it forward, out of our hands. I guess W finally gets what she wants: her family legacy of broken families continues. I will be the first person in my ancestry to be D.

I have done everything she asked: attended counseling, did all the honey-do projects, changed behaviors she didn't like, got higher ratings at work, acquired new job certifications. I stopped asking for things from her. I let her initiate when we got lucky (which meant basically we didn't). I haven't complained once about it. This was her biggest issue.

The results: she says I am not trustworthy (while trusting me with everything - money, kids, taxes, car repairs, vacation planning, virtually everything, except the emotional health of our marrige; that one she shot in the head - it takes two to work on it and she refused to do anything at all for it). She says I am not good enough to be her husband, while relying on me for virtually everything - financial, emotional, help with her family issues, job hunting issues: she asks my advice on everything, even today. But I'm not good enough to sleep with. She says that virtually everything she knows about parenting, she learned from me, but I'm not good enough to keep around as a parent.

She has had the country club life. Travel tennis teams, working out whenever she wanted (which was a lot - she's in great shape, has run six marathons), vacation travel to Mexico, Europe, Hawaii. A big house with a big yard. Three kids in high honors, and attending a gifted academy. New cars. Full time attention from me. I have friends in shock saying they can't understand this at all, that we were their standard for how a marriage should be done. She calls me the best father ever, bar none. I attend every kids sporting event that doesn't conflict with another one. I supported W in her running efforts, her half Ironman race, childbirth, family crises, all of it. I was there for her. And, of course, there were issues, but nothing that we couldn't work out: no cheating, no abuse, no criminal behavior, none of it. After seeing what some of the people on this board have been though and gotten back together, it's embarrassing to me that we couldn't get there. That I picked someone without the where-with-all to stick to her vows when it got a little tough.

At some point you realize: it's not me. It's echos of her mother, of her flavor of mental illness, of her lack of ability to forgive, of her neverending assumption I'm trying to screw her over, her lack of any attempt to ever try to meet my needs. One reason we were a good match: I asked for very little from her as a spouse, I'm pretty self-reliant. Which was good, because from an emotional point of view, she hadn't much to give. The one time I needed her desperately, when I got laid off, her only response was to look me dead in the eye and with the coldest possible sneer say, "Get a job." The one thing I did ask her for was sex (she was my wife, for heaven's sake), and that turned out to be a debacle. It got to the point she needed to be drunk before she'd agree, and then that blew up when she once drank so much she didn't remember and accused me of taking advantage of her - after she had said yes. That cemented in her mind that she couldn't trust me, when what it really meant was she couldn't trust herself. That was the begining of the end of us.

I have given her a life she could only dream about as she was growing up (and it was easy for me because it was my dream - I've been living my dream) and her response has not been gratitude, but contempt. I hope I can be a bit more discerning when I select my next spouse.

[always_14]

B4S--not sure if I've ever written to you....but I have been following.

First, you and your family will be in my prayers today. I will think of you and send you thoughts of a happy life after this. I hope that this D does not get ugly and passes quickly in your life. You have much living to do.

I have seen all the work you have done to save your M. It's amazing. I would only hope that my H could do 1/8 of that without the pity parties, whining and all the other horrific drama that ensued.

You're right. The saddest thing is to see things clearly, and to regret the choice we made in a partner. That we chose someone who could not stand up to a challenge or tough time. To see all your efforts and hope and love spent on someone who cannot feel that for themselves, let alone another person.

You are a wonderful man. Know that when you walk into that meeting today. Goodness will follow you.

I have seen you these past few months see the light on the other side of the mountain. I see that in my life now too. And, in the words of my good friend recently "you see the light, life is beautiful on the other side of this misery....keep walking towards it. It will be great."

[rhoch]

B4,
As I read through your last summary post, I am reminded again of just how our lives (yours and mine) have run a parallel course. I could have written every word. While my fight goes on, I understand exactly where you are today and you have my best wishes for your tasks today and in the near future. I have, as I'm sure you have realized that no matter how badly we have wanted it, even a reconciliation would not be possible without significant changes in our spouses, and that is simply something we do not have the power to do ourselves.

Today, even through the frustration and pain, I would tell you not to regret your choices because they have led you to three terrific children and they will always be the major part of your life. I know for me, the one true sadness of the sitch is that my children will never truly have the loving relationship they might want with their mother unless she works on her own issues.

When this is all said and done, take some time for yourself and then look around. There actually are some good people available out there and your children will want you to be happy and not alone. They will see the truth of your efforts eventually and your relationship with them will be stronger for it.

Be well my friend.

[built4speed]

Thanks guys. It's very nice to have someone notice what I am going through.

So meeting #1 done. Not a great start: I noticed her atty had a printout of one of my personal figuring spreadsheets in his file: I lost it. The only way he could have that is if she dug through my computer and found it. I was pissed: after all the times she has accused me of passive-aggressive behavior, or trying to screw her or hurt her when I had done nothing, she ends up being the one caught actually stepping over the line. The four of us had a serious discussion about privacy and respect, and she apologized for doing that.

It was still tough for me. I didn't want to be there and when they asked why I wanted to do a collaborative D, I said, I didn't, that I was given the choice of two planks to walk, and that this was the "least worst option." Her atty really liked my wording and actually wrote it down.

So, no negotiations but several more meetings set up. W actually called me on the way home to invite me for a drink and said that she'd buy and we wouldn't talk about the meeting. We both had headaches. At one point she said she needs to do the D to get on her own and said that after that we'd see where we were at. I told her she was an idiot, and she said, "I know." She apologized for not being smart enough when we met to see that we shouldn't be together. I said nothing: what do you say to that???

So, in summary, this sucks, and the serious stuff has not started yet. Fun, fun, fun.

[built4speed]

An unbelievable wild weekend.

It started with her atty having spreadsheet info that was taken off my computer without my permission, and shown to me at the first 4-way meeting Thursday. W has never really done anything that over the line before: I've really had no reason I couldn't trust her with basically everything. So that little voice started gnawing on me: perhaps all the warnings from my atty and others were true, don't keep her name on accounts that she could damage if things turn ugly. She had opened up a completely separate accounting system from mine, complete with credit cards, checking accounts, PO box and storage locker to hide all the mail (and who knows what else) in. And then snuck $10K into it over the last two years. So after I find she's digging for files, I was uncomfortable having the accounts where my paychecks go shared, but the account where her paychecks go private. Basically, she broke trust for the first time in our M (and D).

So Friday was my birthday and the kids and I were going to go out. She called me on her way home and I told her to meet us there. After we finished dinner, we were finishing off our drinks, and I told her that I wanted the checkbook for my account and the credit card for that account, and and that if that was a problem she could add me to her credit card and checking account. She said that she couldn't afford to pay for everything herself. I said I wasn't asking her to pay, that we would sit down each month and pay everything off, but that I wanted the checkbook. Several very negative things were said in the next minute, and then she says, after the nice time we had last night you're treating me this way? Before I could respond, she smashes all the glassware on the table on me! I found myself covered in water, ice and glass! Her wine glass was hit so hard the base and stem were still on the table, but the bowl where the liquid goes was gone. I was soaked from neck to knees. She grabbed her coat and stormed out of the restaurant.

The kids were in shock. Luckily they were at a table next to us. The waitress came over and asked if I was okay, and the bus people came and started cleaning up. Someone brought me a towel. I paid the bill and we staggered a bit shocked out to the car. D14 had a friend with us and D14 is apologizing to her friend that she had to see that. I started driving home and D14 mentions that I am shivering. Well, yeah, it's 40 degrees and I'm soaking wet. I turned up the heat in the car.

An hour after we got home W shows up like nothing happened. I had crawled into bed and turned on the electric blanket to warm up, but had the light out when she came up. She crawled into bed next to me and went to sleep. I had a difficult sleep, wondering if something else was going to happen. I know it's a bit irrational, because she really isn't like that, but I couldn't stop the thought from staying in my head.

In the morning, as she is wont to do, she got up and starts in on me as I'm sleeping, very early. Topics included: the collaborative D is definitely off, I will get served at work, I'm a pussy for getting cold on the ride, she has now lost trust in me, she is changing the driver for the boys to arrive at 6:30am, cutting into my breakfast time with them, when we are D I will be restricted to very formal visitation and will not get any more than that, and basically, I'm an a--hole. Then, a few minutes later, okay, we will do the collaborate D, and at the next meeting we will discuss the checkbook. I just say, "Whatever" each time, because saying any more than that just makes her fight harder. Jeez, I wonder what will happen if I ask for more than just the checkbook to my own account???

So now, she's shown a violent streak, is making serious moves to limit my time with the kids and is threatening to have the collaborative D stopped (after about $10,000 has been retained) and start a full nuclear exchange. And who knows, what if the flying glassware episode happens again and one of the kids gets hit? I decide I need to see if I can get the episode on record with the police.

I call them and they ask if I want an officer to come out to the house. No, no, I just want to file a report in case she does it again. They say I can come to the station and report it. I go there and talk to an officer and tell them what happened and they ask if I want her arrested??? No, I just want to get something in the file that I hope we never have to see again. Well, they can't just take my word for it, they have to do an investigation, which will mean talking to her about it. I say, okay, then just forget the whole thing, I don't want to make the R any worse than it is. They say, sorry, the cat is out of the bag and they have to talk to her. I could be making the whole thing up. Damn.

So, I give her a heads up that the cops will be coming over to talk to her about Friday dinner. Of course, she is upset, and then hangs up and won't take my calls. She tells me later she was calling her lawyer. I go home and she arrives from being out with the kids and goes from belligerent to very scared and crying. Then she starts in on me: "Are you proud of yourself?" "Are you happy this happened?" "Do you feel like a big man now?" "I guess you're going to use this against me in the D, aren't you?" I ignore all questions. We are both very sad and scared. Things have gotten WAY out of hand. The cops arrive and do their interviews, and though the stories differ slightly in interpretation, she basically confirms my story.

After they leave, I go to bed, and she goes to bed down the hall. In the morning, I go running, and when I get home, she has the checkbook and the credit card ready for me: she has written a $4000 check to her personal account and left me with $32.

Of course, this led to a huge fight, and I go take a shower and get some food. After I eat, we go through he bills and she shows that yes, she did write a check to her account, but she immediately paid all our bills with it and even though she has several $thousand in her account, we have bills coming in that will basically eat the whole thing. I ask why she is not just leaving the money in my account and letting me pay the bills and she says she didn't trust that I would pay it. Right, she's the duplicitous one but she's worried about me paying.

So, I let it go because our monthly throughput is well over the amount she moved, and I will be taking her name off the accounts Monday, so her "transfering" funds to her account will not be occuring any more. Plus, it will, in theory, all get balanced out when we settle.

The rest of the day, she is cold, telling me I am definitely not her friend anymore, and ending almost every sentence with the phrase "... unless that will make you call the cops on me." We will not ever have dinner together again, we will not ever be getting back together, and she did laundry this morning and separated mine out so I have to wash it myself. I went to tell her about my morning run and she refused to hear it: "We are not friends anymore, I don't want to hear about your social life." The new kitten is out of kitty food, and she refused to get pick any up while she's out: "I'd have to pay for it". The kitten is my daughter's, but is supposed to go to my new house when I move, so I am technically responsible for it. Wow, she sure showed me!

And, I turned on the password for my computer, and so did she (funny how when she gets caught being naughty she feels she needs to protect herself).

Is that enough for one post?

[flip]

Phew, and all I did this weekend was go to a horse show. Almost makes me glad my H is in a foreign country with the OW! Stay strong, be calm. Try to treat your wife kindly, as much as you can. Don't give her reason to think you are against her, although obviously you have to protect your rights.

[attorneytom]

B4:

As rhoch and I have been trying to explain to you... well it is really difficult is it not ? Your W is in a different place mentally. Do you get it yet ???

Take Care of yourself.. YOU and the KIDS !? Everything else is out of your hands.. I am sorry.. but that is the way it is. Rise above it and do what needs to be done.

Quit making excuses for her.. and YOU. Get it together, man. (and quit dumping on some of the folks here that are trying to be helpful.).

Tom

[rhoch]

Hi there B4

Unfortunately I have to completely agree with Tom. For the sake of your kids you HAVE TO wake up now. Your wife is unbalanced and she is trying to suck everyone into hell with her. The whole process you have been going through has been described to me as "crazy-making". Whether you like it or not you have to fight now. You need to take your kids for their own protection. you need to abandon the collaborative garbage that will obviously not work anyway and FIGHT. You have a responsibility to your kids to do that. YES, use the police report in the D and petition the court to do a psych evaluation and determine the mental/emotional fitness of both you and your wife. When they do that, they will do ink blots and other tests that will prevent your W from hiding those nasty traits behind a facade. Have your D testify against her mother and how she had to apologize to her friend. Your daughter already knows her mother is crazy, now its time for you to admit it. Quite honestly, if I were you I would be terrified for my kids. To sit in a public place and do what she did IS NOT normal behavior and shows a dangerous aggressive side. She is not good for her children and you know it. The gloves are off and she has shown you who she truly is, now see it for yourself. If you sacrafice your children for the sake of keeping peace now, then you are exactly what she says you are.

Now B4, on the compassionate side, I understand exactly how hard all of this is. I will likely have to fight for full custody of my kids, and I will probably have to do some ugly, hurtful things to get that, BUT this is about my kids now. Yes, I still love my wife very much, but she has created the situation and I cannot protect her feelings in this and protect my kids at the same time. I know you are feeling the same way. Your wife is the adult, let her fight for herself! Be the adult B4 and the parent your kids need. Your kids need you, not her and you can't help her anymore. Let her sink into hell alone and see what happens from there. DO NOT let her take the kids with her.

[rhoch]

Has anyone heard from B4? I am quietly hoping his W didn't go off the deep end and bash him with an icicle or something.