Short R discussion with W last night. She said when she had agreed to work on the marriage two weeks ago, that the next day she had a panic attack so bad she was calling her counselor all day. She said that told her that she needs to do the D no matter what anyone tells her (her small group leader told her Christians don't walk away from a marriage).
She also said her respect for me has grown recently (not that it matters at this point).
The attys cancelled the first meeting we were supposed to have today. Don't know why. Will have to get back on it next week.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
She needs to be persuaded to find a new counselor. It appears she is perhaps telling this C alot of one sided crap and certainly has not addressed her MI/MH issues.
I once suggested that maybe you ask her to get a copy of her C's file on her.. for you to see and you thought that she would balk on the request. I still think it is worth a try...or at the very least asking your w if you can attend a C session with her. I mean there is a reason this C is hell bent on divorcing you, B4 !
Quote: She said that told her that she needs to do the D no matter what anyone tells her...
I meant the fact that she had a panic attack when she reversed course, not that her C said she needed to do the D no matter what. Her C never said that (at least, I don't think so). Sorry for the miscommunication.
There is no way she would agree to let me see her paperwork. She's paranoid enough that she would immediately conclude some ulterior motive about it. I can't even get through scheduling the atty meetings without a 25 minute blame game.
Some parts of this R I really won't miss.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
Well, once the "legal fun" starts all of that is up for grabs. Ie. a Request for Discovery and/or a Subpoena. So.. she should know that once it starts it is all fair game and open for your knowledge and the Court's.
I think Tom may be on to something here if things turn very nasty and you need it. I have found out that in Ohio at least, there is no patient confidentiality if the best interests of the kids are at stake. I can subpoena the counselors and the records for examination in the court. Our MC actually even told me to make sure I do subpoena him so he can testify. It might not help a lot but it certainly can't hurt you if you get into a nasty custody situation.
Stand up for what is right, even if you are standing alone.
Well, the plan is for a collaborative divorce, so there will be no subpoenas or testimony. We just work out the deal and they file it with the judge at the end. I doubt anything in the file would be strong enough to cause any difference in court. W says her C says she's just stressed out, not mentally ill. Yeah, aren't we all.
Attys delayed the meeting last week, so still have not had our first meeting. I am dodging all attempts at negotiating, because they just end up with her screaming at me that I'm trying to rip her off, or get my way, or screw her over, no matter how fair I am. Just mentioning that I had made a list of household items to help us sort them out caused a three-hour tirade and accusations that I couldn't possibly have come up with the idea for a list on my own (gee, we are trying to figure out how to sort out our stuff, so I'll make a list on the computer - right, that is so non-obvious, someone else just had to have suggested that!). Just another way for her to come up with some conspiracy theory on all of this.
Then last Thursday D14 had a friend sleep over because I was taking them both to their running race in Orlando Friday. Well, we got buried in snow and all the flights got cancelled, so I was scrambling to rebook our trip. W for some reason decided it was "dump on D14" day, so proceeded to yell at her in front of her friend for some number of hours until we left. D14 was so mad and embarrassed that she now says there is no way she will live with W after the D. I'm not sure what to do. I know the courts will take the kids wishes into account, but it would be weird not having them all together, but I'm sure it's been done before. I need to think about what I want to do.
I hate this.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
Well, the first atty meeting is Thursday, with no indications that there will be any turning back. I crawled into bed with her for a minute last night and though she was laughing about it, she still said she disconnected from me two years ago and never re-connected. Everything is still all my fault. She also said something weird: she said "there is no upside" for her to get back with me. Hmmm. I guess she thinks the risk of me going back to the behaviors she didn't like (over two years ago) is higher than the risk to the kids and our finances due to the D. At least she's consistent: she never forgave me for anything she didn't like, and is still saying she thinks I am constantly out to screw her over in the D. It has gotten to the point where we can't discuss any terms because she ends up screaming at me. She imagines I am out to get her and acts accordingly. Just bringing up the fact I had started compiling a list of household items to help us split them up caused a three hour tirade. She literally followed me from room to room yelling at me. I still haven't shown her the list and I'm not sure I will. I don't know how we are going to do a collaborative D when she thinks I trying to rip her off and she still has so much anger. I'm the one who is about to lose my family, my house, half my estate and large portions of my income and she's mad! I'm hoping the attys will cause her to mellow out so we can get to it. No matter what I do, I'll be perceived as screwing her, so I have nothing to lose at this point.
This sucks.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
Good lord! B4S, I'm sorry you're going through this and in a way I also feel sorry for your wife that she's ill.
You sound level headed and calm, I envy you for that. I read some of your comments and the way you pointed out the irony made me chuckle...not that its a laughing matter but you sound like a cool guy.
I'm also jealous that you're finally strong enough and ready to walk away from this mess. I wish I was that strong because sometimes I feel I can't take it anymore.
Anyway, for you soon all this will be over and you'll have a chance to start a brand new life exactly the way you want.
Keep us updated on your sitch, i'm bookmarked this thread.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Hey there B4S! For some reason I thought I'd check in to see if anyone I knew was still hanging around and I stumbled on to your sitch. Looks like the SOS, man.
Three sort of random things popped into my mind. Do what you want with them. It's your crazy world, not mine:
1. Great observation by someone earlier that W is terrified that you will have another relationship with someone else. Thus the weird ideas about you living with parents or friends.
2. Do either of your lawyers ever keep an appointment? Seems kind of fishy to me. You're still in the same place you were months ago the last time I visited here. [censored] or get off the pot B4.
3. This is what I would do so it's probably the wrong thing to do - I'd find a way to video record one of your "discussions of terms". Have D14 do it as a neutral observer. Do you think it would improve W's behaviour? It could be used as proof of her irrationality to her C? To her lawyer? To W? I know it really hit home to me once when I watched a tape of me melting down while playing a game with my kids. Snapped me back to reality in an instant. Could be a total waste of time too? But it's what I would do. Try something different.
Hope you make some progress and get out of there soon with as many kids as possible. Take care B4.
