I looked through the diagnosis for BPD and she shows a few of the symptoms but, then again, don't we all. So again, like with the paranoia, it's not enough to be a full blown case, but just some of the behaviors. Her C doesn't see any of this, at least from what I've been told. For sure on the cause side, she was neglected as a young child and subject to "to much, too soon" from her mother.
Last night when I got home she was very pleasant, made me dinner and we watched TV in bed together. Then when the show was over she trotted off to her room, as always. On my way home she had called and was telling me about her day just like normal. It's like chocolates, I never know what I'm going to get.
I agree with some of your points, rhoch. I do need to provide a safe haven for the kids. But I don't see W drifting away from the kids. Perhaps that will change as she gets into her full time job, but she has been a very devoted parent. Sure, she lets her anger drive too many interactions with them (and all of us) and if she cannot learn to control that it will drive them all out of the house to me over time, but for the most part she has been there for them. The teenage years will be hard for W (as she has always said) and I am willing and able to guide them through those years if W can't or won't. But I don't see her moving away from them due to any BPD-like issues.
An intesting sidenote: W is trying to talk me into moving in with a friend or my parents until I buy somewhere to live. She says it's to save money, but it's my money, why would she care? I suspect it is because she doesn't want it difficult for me to come back if she changes her mind. I have no proof, just a feeling. I think if she wants me back, I'm going to want to be gone for six months anyway, so I plan to lease something until spring. I don't see this working out, but I don't think the money is the issue here. Strange.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
B4: I agree with rhoch. I would also suggest you keep a separate journal of her behavior and mood swings etc..
No "counselor" will ever pick up on these things. Why ? Just like my w.. when she presents herself she seems "fine"..she should have been nominated for an Academy Award . the only time she shows her symptoms is with me and kids... unless you really know what to look for with her.
These illnesses manifest themselves differently and different ages in each individual and with varying severity. One thing that is a given..It is a rollercoaster ride. Oh.. and paranoia is a specific symptom of BPD from what I know.. also the detachment.. and the "fear of abandonment" (ie. remember when she thought divorce was you coming over and mowing yard etc.. ??)
At this point it's not my problem any more. I've helped her with so much in her life and I get no credit and no reward, just a D. She's had a great life but thinks it was with the wrong husband. The thing she missed is it was great because I was her husband. The level of perfection she insists on no person will ever be able to attain. But by the time she figures out I was actually pretty good (and good for her) the damage will be done.
I'm sad today, W started her job today (that didn't make me sad, I'm happy for her). I'm sad because the lady driving the boys to school started this morning. It felt like another step in W changing her life to not have me in it (which she is). The only thing left for me to do this month is find a new place to live, which is both exciting and devastating. I never thought in a million years I would not be with my kids every day. This is the worst.
Gotta start making calls this week for an abode. W suggested I live with my parents to save cash, but I can't do it, I need to start my new life alone. I talked to my mom this morning she mentioned a house for rent near them, but said she knew I didn't want to do that: I want to be near my kids. True.
Also, I will be going to the divorce class at church tonight. Have to move my registration back from the marriage class I moved it to last week. Such fun.
So, bottom line, I will be out of my house in only a few weeks. We are already talking about what furniture I get. D14 was not liking us talking about it but, hey, it's reality.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
It looks like our sitch's are pretty parallel. Married 20 years, 2 teenage girls, S8 and a W. who's as predictable as a chain reaction. I moved out in early September. I'm in an apartment that passes for a "double wide". I feel your pain, brother. Moving in with your parents? NFW!!!! I found out today however that as a Reservist, I'm most likely being mobilized for 18 months, with 12 in a warm, dry place keeping 20,000 soldiers alive. Got to get my head in a new place, so DBing doesn't seem so important any more. Got to shift to a new plane here.
COG suggested to me today that he thought my wife might be BPD as well. Went to a few web sites and saw self-help books with titles like "I'm Tired of Walking on Eggshells". HMMM, Welcome to my world. If you check out my thread, you'll see many of the same behaviors on the part of my W. Angry when I came to my house to help my daughter study and left a bottle on the counter. Angry when I did a load of laundry at "her house" (that I pay the mortgage on): "I didn't budget for you using the water here". Angry because 19 years ago I didn't have the Army ship my goods and put them in my truck making her trip across the US "aggravating". Angry because in 1987 her brother was in town and I forgot to tell her he called. Inexcusable on my part, yes, but she brought that up in December 2005. I have not been the most supportive person. I get that hurt. I apologized many times, but the damage is done. I did some unsupportive thing, but no "confessional material".
I'm not Ozzie Nelson, but I'm with you. I think that we're pretty good guys, but you know what? None of that matters in their eyes. They're "not happy", and so we all have to pay the bill come due for that. I guess I'm just venting, but geez, it's really frustrating. My kids are miserable with this. So who's happier? Bueller, Bueller, anyone?
Yeah, I get a bit of that too, with the small things a reason for ending the R ("I don't think I can stay with someone who shows so little respect for me by not cleaning their desk."). If something major ever happened, I don't know what she'd do.
I wouldn't describe my life as "walking on eggshells", but now that I think about it, I did have a bit of that. It was often very unclear what would make her mad and what wouldn't. I remember reserving a mule trip to the bottom of the Grand Canyon. It was expensive. I called and told her what I'd done, not knowing if I was a hero or a goat. Turned out she really liked it. But I honestly didn't know which way it would go. I once bought long stem roses (might have been for our first anniversary) and got yelled at for spending $80. I to this day cannot buy her presents, because she almost never likes what I get her. She just buys things and tells me they are for her for Christmas. Okay, good, saves me the angst.
I'm bumming out about what to do next (for my next R). In my divorce class last night, the stat was 75% of second marriages end in D. Basically anyone who can keep an R going is still in theirs, and the ones who can't are all who are available. I never figured I'd be in that category: my parents are even still married. D was never even the remotest option in my head. Everyone is my small group at the class is really messed up: one gal, her father killed her mother, then he died a month later; others have addictions, loser husbands, or grew up with daily violence in their homes. One guy just sat there with tears the whole time, I never did get his story. Is this the typical dating pool I'll be diving into? I can hardly wait.
It's so weird: on my way home from the D class, W calls all cheery and asks me to stop at the store to pick up some items, like everything is normal. She is still making my dinner, doing my laundry and we went to a movie Saturday night. But then she goes down the hall to sleep. And our atty meeting is set up for Dec 1, and I'm looking for a new place to live.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
B4S- Hi. Was just passing through this part of the universe and thought I'd send a quick note. Don't worry, there are still quite a few normal people (well, ok, not psychotic or horribly depressed) in the dating pool - or at least will be wading in soon. Most are in the same boat as you, and you may actually get a chuckle out of how much you'll have in common! I am choosing to not pay attention to any of the statistics. I figure I have been through hell, survived it, and am better for it. I'm not a bitter shrew, don't hate all men, and am eager for the company in the future. I'm hoping this time around I WILL encounter those who have lived and learned a little. After experiencing the past year, anything I get in the future should be a piece of cake! Of course you've learned all these lessons now and just think what an awesome listener you've probably learned to be...
BTW - In case you are worried about it, there are plenty of us who would LOVE to receive roses again - and would let you spend all you want!
Thanks for the encouragement, I need it. No waivering in W about me moving out, she is saying she doesn't want any excuses why I couldn't leave. No last second reprieve here, apparently (not that I thought there would be one). I have not doubt whatsoever that my marriage is over.
W has already gone through about $2500 with the atty, and we haven't even had a meeting yet. I don't know what the heck she's doing. And they're talking about financial guys, coaches, etc., of course all on our nickel. And I need to pony up $3-5k in the next two week for deposits and rent. The nightmare is over two years old, and just beginning. At least W has a job that will cover some of this crap.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
Long time no post. Nothing really new, still on the D trajectory. First atty meeting is Thursday. I was planning to move out this week, but just not comfortable with how the atty meeting might turn out. If she is reasonable about things (hard to really tell at this point) then I might be able to go, but based on some things she's said (like she doesn't see a reason to settle for anything less than she can get in open court - then why are we doing a collaborative D?) I need to keep all options open until the framework (at least) is set up. Basically we'll divide assets 50-50 (although the last time this came up she wanted the house and then everything else split 50-50. That is a non-starter for me), but CS and visitation are not settled yet, and I find any meaningful discussion just ends up with her screaming at me. She did say we need to work out most of the details ourselves because the attys together are at about $10 a minute. But so far, that has not been possible. So I honestly don't know if we can do a collaborative D, because I don't know what she will insist upon. She swings from completely unreasonable to seemingly reasonable pretty fast, but anytime we discuss it it's pretty unreasonable. I do know that her having a job changes almost everything, but just how much I'll need to wait and see.
I asked to talk to her yesterday and she broke down when we got alone, saying she is not sure this is the right thing, etc. After she calmed down, I asked her what she wanted to do. She wants to have the first two atty meetings and then go to dinner to reassess. But the plan of record is to proceed with the D. I do know we need to be apart for some period of time. She is pretty codependent and needs to reestablish herself independent of me. Then we will see how it goes. I told her I am proceeding with the D until she tells me she wants to do something different - I am not pursuing anymore. She has had many pauses in this, but always settles farther away from me, so until she can really commit to come back, I need to move away myself. I've spent over two years now and she hasn't significantly improved her issues, and I'm done with this crap.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
Sure, I've been looking at real estate, taking care of the kids (I go to Orlando this weekend with D14 - she is racing at the AAU National Cross Country meet), helping with homework, going to the divorce class at church, and seeing my C. It sucks, but I'm hanging in. My mom calls me every morning on the way to work, and I have a sizable posse that keeps tabs on me, from my running club to work pals to old friends (I went to a party Saturday night at a friend's I've known since the 80s - had a nice time). So life is great except in one small area!
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
