Me too. It makes me wonder if she was just trying to see if your are still interested in her. Very cruel thing to do to you. You don't deserve that. That's like waving a treat in front of a dog's nose and that not letting them have it. Shame on her.
Yeah, I am very upset about this, I even changed my class at my church last night from the divorce seminar to the marriage one. Now I get to change it back. I feel like such an idiot.
I have let her drive this train long enough. That was the last straw. I am looking at ads for places to live. I am not going to push on the lawyers stuff, but I am going to move out.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
Now it takes a twist to the truly bizarre. W is pressing for a collaborative D meeting, but then says she will back off to give us time to work the church marriage seminar. The first time we could all meet is in December. She says she wants to then schedule a rapid fire set of meetings to finish the D. What??? She says we will have done most of the marriage meetings by then, and can proceed. I ask why we are doing any marriage meetings. She says it's because she promised her divorce group at church she would go to the marriage meetings. I don't get it.
It's like she is completely uninterested in fixing the marriage, but is checking this off so she can say she "tried". I need to decide if I want to continue to be a pawn in her charade. I guess I can do anything for a few weeks. If she looks like she is really trying, then okay. But if she's just phoning it in, I'll be gone.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
I just felt like I need to interject here.. This behavior of Mrs. B4.. it is classic for her ! I think we have seen this sort of thing .. what ? 20 times or so on your threads ? There has to be some underlying mental problem with her. I wish you the best and I hope that you do what makes your personal situation liveable for you, friend.
Yep, so true. Well, it didn't take long for her to renege on her commitment to go to the marriage seminar. She had a session with her C tonight and that was apparently the outcome. I am now actively looking for a place to move to, and will be out by Dec 1. I'm actually excited about it, W has been completely out of her mind today, which makes this a bit easier. Kids are looking glum, but they see how she treats me (and them) and they understand completely. They started discussing the possibility of moving with me, but that will be a topic for later after I get a new permanent place.
D14 kind of broke my heart tonight. She said the psycho stuff in the family would end with her - exactly what I said to W about 15 years ago, that we would be the ones to break the cycle from her family - I hope D14 can do better than I have. And picks someone without all the mental illness history. It really sneaks into every interaction in some way if you really watch.
Today W was crazed to get the colloborative D meetings going, and went so far as to accuse me and my atty of trying to drive her insane by delaying - two hours after telling me she wanted to have the meeting. So I get accused of this crap when I haven't even TALKED to my atty yet. I am so ready to be alone and without the paranoid behaviors. I hope the kids enjoy the ride.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
W is very angry today. Yelling at me in front of the kids. Now saying that she didn't want to get a job, that I forced her to quit her "ideal" part time job in 1996, and now she has to get a full time one to get back in the workforce (even though less than a week ago she said she agreed that her staying home was wonderful for the kids, but that I could have handled her wishes better - agreed), and to pay for the kids private school, like I could support her, the tuition and my new place. Right. It's all my fault, my fault, my fault. I walked away, she followed me to yell some more, I opened my car trunk to put something in it and she shut it before I could. Angry, mean and nasty.
We are trying to get our finances set for the rest of the year, because with both of us now working we need extra taken out. She refused to adjust her deductions, which means we will have to pay estimated tax on Jan 15, or I need to adjust mine. It makes no difference, since it is still the same bucket until the end of the year, but for some reason she won't do what we need for this. I don't understand it.
She is very paranoid, claiming I am manipulating the sitch to my advantage somehow. That I am very intimidating to her. Right: I'm moving out, leaving my kids and house, and not changing any bank accounts, doing everything she's wanted for two years, but I'm doing "something", she just knows it. It drives her mad, and she's lashing out at everyone. I even heard about something she didn't like from our first date (in 1985) again today, so I guess her work on forgiveness is a bit behind schedule.
I refuse to listen to the accusations any more.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
Sorry to hear this. As you know I am not qualified to give any opinion on this.. but it appears that she may be displaying atleast 6 of the 8 behavioral criteria of someone who has a Borderline Personality Disorder.
I haven't posted in a while either as I've been learning more and more about how ill my own W is. One thing I wanted to interject though was something from a few months ago. I think back then I suggested that it sounded like some personality disorders going on here and have to agree with Tom here. I think you should take a look at them again. The same cluster includes narcissistic, borderline and histrioninc disorders. I think your W shows a lot of the signs of all 3. (which I understand is not unusual) .....unfortunately, knowing this doesn't help you fix your R. In fact the more you learn about personality disorders, the more you understand that spouses can do very little to help the ones they love. The ill person has to realize they need help themselves. I've also found that general counselors are not very good at dealing with these things. She will need a serious professional. At some point, since your daughter is already engaged in the discussion, I might even make the descriptions of these illnesses known to her (daughter) so she knows what to look out for.
What the understanding has done for me is that it has allowed me to understand that this is not my fault and its not at all personal. She is simply ill and as much as I would like to help her it is out of my hands. So for me its all about trying to stay supportive and hoping for the wake-up call. I do not, however have the emotionally abusive situation you have. If the kids were still unaffected I would encourage you to stick with her and try to support her, but since the kids are feeling the impact I would tell you to get yourself out and give the kids a safe haven when they need it. I have no doubt that the kids will see where their safety and their future lie. W might not even fight it much if she is working now. If someday W wants to renew her realtionships with yo or kids, you can require she gets help first. My vision for you now is that in a relatively short time frame, you will be a single, full-time father and your W will slowly drop more and more out of the lives of your children. A tragedy , maybe, but maybe the healthiest thing for them as well as you.
rhoch
Stand up for what is right, even if you are standing alone.
It makes me wonder if she was just trying to see if your are still interested in her. Very cruel thing to do to you. You don't deserve that. That's like waving a treat in front of a dog's nose and that not letting them have it. Shame on her.