Well.. you might ask " Where the heck have you been?".... I have been growing.... and elvolving... making mistakes and learning...lost in living life and also hiding from it.... finding new paths... and scurrying back down those very paths, only to find a new one that suited my journey...and so it goes...
I remember 3 years ago when I joined this life saving and venting outlet, I used to read posts from people that had been here for a few years and remember thinking, "Thank God that won't be me because it won't be long before my H returns to me!!".... and here I am...
I am still single... by choice... still very much in love with my XH... have had an amazing journey so far that continues... moved in different circles of friends... floating really, but so blessed, even if sometimes I feel alone,I am not, there are many many people out there that love me... and I them... but in the deep of the night, there is a hush... a lull.. that only we know about... and we listen... we question... and we weep.
I turn 50 in 8 days.
I don't have a real problem with the age thing...have always maintained that age is a chronilogical measure... I don't look it, still love to shock people when I tell them... but I alwyas thought that I would be in a different place when this b/day came. With the love of my life... secure... in need of nothing but the strength of our love and the remaining adventure of life still at our feet... now.. such a paradox to where I am.
Since posting on the BB I have remained in the Fitness Industry.. still Personal Training and working the gym floor, taking Aqua Classes, have become a volunteer with an organisation called Very Special Kids.. Lyrebird you would have heard of this... It is connected to the Royal Childrens Hospital in Melbourne and Kids with life threatening illnesses are the Very Special Kids... life expectancy cut short...I am a support worker at the Hospice... which can be Respite ... or Pallitive Care... and work with the Kids.. the Siblings or the Parents. Have just finished my training and waiting to be placed.
Along with that have had a few dates... a few short term flings... one night stands!!! ( yep.. I know... not clever but at the time seemed a little rebellious)... with some really nice guys...could have even been in a cosy r/ship with a couple of them.. but... can't quite explain why.
Funny really.. the problem I can see with my marriage was that I hung on too tight to my love for fear of losing it... like sand... you clutch too tight and it seeps out anyway... and here have been some lovely men, wanting to give me the world and at the first sniff of this.. I was off and running at 100 miles and hour, self protection I guess.. and the sad fact that I made the worst mistake called comparison... yep... it is a very big mistake to compare..either consciously or not. Still now that I have realised this.. I would still have made the same choices. At present I am dating a Pilot.. lovely guy.. funny and easy going... but we are both not intersted in settling down and that is all good.
So what happened to my XH?... He never ended up leaving the OW... she had the reprieve I would have killed for... they ended up moving again to a glitzy part of the strip they live in... he owns over 20 pairs of jeans...30 pairs of shoes and the best of the best in clothes labels ( as told by my youngest D).. is terrified of turning 50 in march 07... lives for his work... has a very strange r/ship with o/w... everything is divided 50/50 financially... smokes up to 40 a day and drinks like a fish...filling his life with the material joys making himself feel a lot better... we have caught up on the odd occasion with D30 with us... looks very tired and not at peace as I had imagined... because he is still in Youth welfare sometimes treats our kids like clients.. to which I addressed with him only to be told to "pull my F**king head in and disappear out of my f&&king life"... to which I complied about 7 weeks ago. The last time we met.. by ourselves... he stared out at the road whaen we spoke.. something that I was so aware of.. only to be looking at me if I averted my eyes to that road... and away again if I made eye contact... clearly not comfortable with my presence... he tells one daughter that all is good in his life... and the other that he and the O/W have nothing in common.. different thoughts and beliefs... Go Figure?
My D25 summed up the sitch perfectly today I think.... " Dad is in an unhappy r/ship... and he just can't bear the thought of another failure so he stays. Grandpa ( X's Dad)and I both think the same thing... Dad asks about you all the time but you are BOTH too pig-headed to give a little too much... and obviously have strong feelings still... OW is such a strong and bossy woman that she has a very big say in his life... he has lost his identity to her... Mum just call him and have the chat you have never had since he walked out" ... yep.. we have met and have still not addressed anything to this day!!
Would I go backwards?....Would I have him back??... I honestly don't know and I can't answer...I dream about it.. and yes i think about it, but there is so much time gone by... so many changes on both sides of the river... BUT... I have recently been to Perth.. for those O/S that is the other side of the continent for me.. on a holiday where the weather was superb... the lifestyle so easy... and I intend on making it my home in the future... he knows it and keeps asking the girls do I really intend on moving there??... I could move there with him... Fresh Begining... new start... even ground... and the "simple life" we both crave even now... Surf... Sand... Sun and the Cafe/ Diner at the beach to feed the hungry Surfers.... a Dream?/... Yep... you bet... but we all have to dream.
MLC does takes it's time.... the tunnel that Snodderly and others have talked about does exist... and to an extent for us the LBS as well... our world has taken a dive... we have been put into a tumbler and left to spin... we too, take a wrong turn and have the ability to scurry to the bank... they keep bobbing up and down in the troubled waters... every now and then clutching to a branch of hope.. only to let go for fear that it is the wrong branch... and life may continue for the rest of their days this way... or a miracle may happen....
I have left so many gaps about family... my youngest grandchild is a girl to my baby 25 still living in Cairns... her name is Ebony Grace and she turns 12 months on the 11th of next month.. my D30 is also now single.. a blessing believe me for she has also grown and evolved from a very destructive r/ship and starting to believe in herself once more... my son still lives interstate in Adelaide and keeps contact but doesn't enter into the relms of his parents... I would love to hear from all that remember me and those who may be curious of my story... Snodderly I hope you are well my wise friend... Lyre.. I have read you are divorced.. I am sorry to hear that... Karen58... Blessing... Laughing...what's happening??
Kazzie, It was a wonderful surprise to come here this evening and find that you had posted. You've been a busy woman and believe me when I say this, age is nothing more than a number. Enjoy your birthday and live it up. The best is yet to come!
I'm very happy to see that you and your children still remain close. I can't believe you have a granddaughter! What a beautiful name.
Sorry to hear that the xh isn't quite a happy as he thought he would be, but that's what mlc will help him figure out one of these days. Kazzie, you'll always have some type of feelings for him. It's very normal and you know what? I'd rather you have the feelings you are having in the way of still loving him than being bitter about the entire situation.
Please continue to post. We all would love to hear more about your busy and yet excited life. Hugs to that cute little one. You really did come a long way and your journey is still a long one. You've re-discovered yourself and appear to be rather content and settled. Your postings have helped others and will continue to do so.
Hugs to you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It warms my heart seeing you post, it really does. Your post sounds as light as air.... you sound really great and I'm happy for you.
I see you have had many reflective moments, it's funny how the thoughts and information comes to us. It's been quite a journey for you and I. Although I can't say I still love the xh, I wish I could say I had some respect for him, but I can't. His last few moves really proved to be whoppers, and I really did think he had more going for him than that.
As for me, yup, it's the single life for me, although, once I decided I may be interested in one guy, two other pop up from no where.... so, I decided to sit back and wait a bit longer. I really want to be more settled in my life before I get into the dating scene.... and it looks like it won't be too much longer before I know which direction my financials are taking me.
It is so good to hear from you... please come back and fill us in more often.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
Of course we remember you I don't come as often anymore but from time to time I would cruise by the BD Board and look what I found...Happy to hear you are making your own life even if sometimes you wish for your XH and the way it used to be. Hey, take your time meeting or dating guys. You are not obligated to do anything but just have fun. And since your heart still is not quite there, then it is better for you to just be honest and say hey...I can't seem to let go of this love for my XH...until you do, it's not fair to get somebody else involved. You may never get over him. I sincerely hope you do. There are really nice people out there if you just take time to get to know them.
I envy you having a grandbaby. My son is only 19 though and so not quite ready for that. Heck, he does not even have a girlfriend. My life has been going pretty smoothly now. My X & I do not talk or communicate any. Have not seen him in over a year and it will be a year for me since the D was final end of Nov last year. He married the "ho" about three weeks after the D was final. I don't know how he is doing since I don't ask my son. I think they started talking again this month after being silent since April. I took my son with me to my home country last May along with all my siblings and his cousins. There were 17 of us on the plane together. We took them to all the tourist places in the Philippines and our last stop was the place where we grew up. They met all kinds of relatives while we were there. We had such a great time that all the nephews/nieces bonded with each other and now are excited for our thanksgiving reunion in my sister's house.
My lovelife is kind of on hold. I am in a long distance R with an old boyfriend back in my home country. I saw him when I was there but only for a very short time. I will see him again when I go for my vacation in May. He said something about making his way to the US once again after the May elections there of which he is in charge of running his brother's campaign. His family is into politics big time. We do talk each week. I had fun with him while I was there. We'll see how this goes.
All I know is that God does have a reason why my marriage ended. Maybe because my family will need my help financially and I could not do that while married to my XH. I don't ask anymore why. Just that it opened lots of options for me. Am now free to join my family in all our get togethers. Attend high school reunions here or in the Phils and have a blast each time. Have my own friends here to hang out with. So, actually my social life improved a great deal without my H around. So, do I miss him? A big no...I have a lot of wonderful memories about our old life. But they are all in the past. We may never be friends and I am ok with that. I gave it my best. He ended itSo, I am truly done with him.
Hey kazzie i haven't forgotten you! i've been so busy and when i write to you i really have lots to tell you so bear with me kazzie.. hopefully tonight i can write back at last!! stay storng, take care
Thanks so much for your wonderful update. Somehow in my occasional catching-up attempts I missed your thread, and now I see I've missed your b'day -- but hope it was terrific!
Hard to read some things you wrote as they resonate so w/ me. Sorry to read how things have been w/ your R w/ your XH, his sad life, etc., unfortunately as we know many do get stuck for long periods and some forever. But at least you're back on track in your own life, that's what matters now -- you sound wonderful! I think your D25 very wise . . . too bad your XH is just so far gone to realize what's really going on.
IKWYM about dreams of starting over w/ them. I'm starting to lose them . . . or trying to anyway.
Enjoy that grandbaby. Best wishes for very happy holidays!
