Well.. you might ask " Where the heck have you been?".... I have been growing.... and elvolving... making mistakes and learning...lost in living life and also hiding from it.... finding new paths... and scurrying back down those very paths, only to find a new one that suited my journey...and so it goes...
I remember 3 years ago when I joined this life saving and venting outlet, I used to read posts from people that had been here for a few years and remember thinking, "Thank God that won't be me because it won't be long before my H returns to me!!".... and here I am...
I am still single... by choice... still very much in love with my XH... have had an amazing journey so far that continues... moved in different circles of friends... floating really, but so blessed, even if sometimes I feel alone,I am not, there are many many people out there that love me... and I them... but in the deep of the night, there is a hush... a lull.. that only we know about... and we listen... we question... and we weep.
I turn 50 in 8 days.
I don't have a real problem with the age thing...have always maintained that age is a chronilogical measure... I don't look it, still love to shock people when I tell them... but I alwyas thought that I would be in a different place when this b/day came. With the love of my life... secure... in need of nothing but the strength of our love and the remaining adventure of life still at our feet... now.. such a paradox to where I am.
Since posting on the BB I have remained in the Fitness Industry.. still Personal Training and working the gym floor, taking Aqua Classes, have become a volunteer with an organisation called Very Special Kids.. Lyrebird you would have heard of this... It is connected to the Royal Childrens Hospital in Melbourne and Kids with life threatening illnesses are the Very Special Kids... life expectancy cut short...I am a support worker at the Hospice... which can be Respite ... or Pallitive Care... and work with the Kids.. the Siblings or the Parents. Have just finished my training and waiting to be placed.
Along with that have had a few dates... a few short term flings... one night stands!!! ( yep.. I know... not clever but at the time seemed a little rebellious)... with some really nice guys...could have even been in a cosy r/ship with a couple of them.. but... can't quite explain why.
Funny really.. the problem I can see with my marriage was that I hung on too tight to my love for fear of losing it... like sand... you clutch too tight and it seeps out anyway... and here have been some lovely men, wanting to give me the world and at the first sniff of this.. I was off and running at 100 miles and hour, self protection I guess.. and the sad fact that I made the worst mistake called comparison... yep... it is a very big mistake to compare..either consciously or not. Still now that I have realised this.. I would still have made the same choices. At present I am dating a Pilot.. lovely guy.. funny and easy going... but we are both not intersted in settling down and that is all good.
So what happened to my XH?... He never ended up leaving the OW... she had the reprieve I would have killed for... they ended up moving again to a glitzy part of the strip they live in... he owns over 20 pairs of jeans...30 pairs of shoes and the best of the best in clothes labels ( as told by my youngest D).. is terrified of turning 50 in march 07... lives for his work... has a very strange r/ship with o/w... everything is divided 50/50 financially... smokes up to 40 a day and drinks like a fish...filling his life with the material joys making himself feel a lot better... we have caught up on the odd occasion with D30 with us... looks very tired and not at peace as I had imagined... because he is still in Youth welfare sometimes treats our kids like clients.. to which I addressed with him only to be told to "pull my F**king head in and disappear out of my f&&king life"... to which I complied about 7 weeks ago. The last time we met.. by ourselves... he stared out at the road whaen we spoke.. something that I was so aware of.. only to be looking at me if I averted my eyes to that road... and away again if I made eye contact... clearly not comfortable with my presence... he tells one daughter that all is good in his life... and the other that he and the O/W have nothing in common.. different thoughts and beliefs... Go Figure?
My D25 summed up the sitch perfectly today I think.... " Dad is in an unhappy r/ship... and he just can't bear the thought of another failure so he stays. Grandpa ( X's Dad)and I both think the same thing... Dad asks about you all the time but you are BOTH too pig-headed to give a little too much... and obviously have strong feelings still... OW is such a strong and bossy woman that she has a very big say in his life... he has lost his identity to her... Mum just call him and have the chat you have never had since he walked out" ... yep.. we have met and have still not addressed anything to this day!!
Would I go backwards?....Would I have him back??... I honestly don't know and I can't answer...I dream about it.. and yes i think about it, but there is so much time gone by... so many changes on both sides of the river... BUT... I have recently been to Perth.. for those O/S that is the other side of the continent for me.. on a holiday where the weather was superb... the lifestyle so easy... and I intend on making it my home in the future... he knows it and keeps asking the girls do I really intend on moving there??... I could move there with him... Fresh Begining... new start... even ground... and the "simple life" we both crave even now... Surf... Sand... Sun and the Cafe/ Diner at the beach to feed the hungry Surfers.... a Dream?/... Yep... you bet... but we all have to dream.
MLC does takes it's time.... the tunnel that Snodderly and others have talked about does exist... and to an extent for us the LBS as well... our world has taken a dive... we have been put into a tumbler and left to spin... we too, take a wrong turn and have the ability to scurry to the bank... they keep bobbing up and down in the troubled waters... every now and then clutching to a branch of hope.. only to let go for fear that it is the wrong branch... and life may continue for the rest of their days this way... or a miracle may happen....
I have left so many gaps about family... my youngest grandchild is a girl to my baby 25 still living in Cairns... her name is Ebony Grace and she turns 12 months on the 11th of next month.. my D30 is also now single.. a blessing believe me for she has also grown and evolved from a very destructive r/ship and starting to believe in herself once more... my son still lives interstate in Adelaide and keeps contact but doesn't enter into the relms of his parents... I would love to hear from all that remember me and those who may be curious of my story... Snodderly I hope you are well my wise friend... Lyre.. I have read you are divorced.. I am sorry to hear that... Karen58... Blessing... Laughing...what's happening??
