Too bad, I was hoping you'd gotten a chance to dance! The basic salsa step is not hard to learn, I taught the whole family at T'giving in the kitchen, if you can count to three you can do it! Try if you have the chance sometime.
Weird about OW and your S and showing off what she knew. Trying to ingratiate, I guess. Good luck I say.
Sorry for delay in posting.. been out a lot! Well H came over on Monday, but late but did phone.Loved his meal, laughing and affable.Talking re kids, house, cats, jobs etc. Not even a pretense of photos etc Purely social I felt. We got on fine as if never left at first. He is fatter around the middle, balder a wee bit, and hair a bit longer.. not suiting him. Then he started the" we and our and us" talk. My good friend Carol had told me .. Do not let him.
Tell him no! He started on about getting expensive sailing jacket for OW.. for our boat bought with my Mum's inheritance.. which we did up ourselves and he knew I really missed being on.. I held up my hand and said..No.. I do not want to hear about OW, not interested in OW, but in you. He was really taken aback.
The atmosphere changed, and the cheerful feeling went from him.We talked a bit more etc, then he said he had to go and left quickly. No hugs or kisses this time!
Well I have felt fine since then.. He is obviously still in deep infatuation with OW, not happy with the reminder I do not approve or agree, as I am sure he had got himself believing all was cosy and well.. no problems.
However neither sons nor G/fs want to meet OW again,nor his bro and his wife. So I expect it will be a long wait for next meet up!! But he had to know boundaries and to respect me and my feelings.. I do not regret this. I may email at some point re house things to see if any response or if I am now drummed out of his contacts.
It sounds like you're having a great time as usual.
How strange it is that your h seems to think that you would appreciate anecdotes about OW? Very very odd.
I like to hear how other people deal with OW as I have issues especially with reference to me meeting her or being in the same room as her. The more I think about it the more I think it's never going to happen.
Take care Calder. I hope that you and your family have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year. x
You sound really good and still living a very full and busy life.
My h wanted me to meet his ow and actually tried to introduce us as his fathers funeral. He became angry too that I did not accept his r with her so we could all be one happy disfunctional family.
Calder, I think that was a very good move - to halt all talk of ow. Perhaps someday, a long time down the road, it is possible to picture two re-married couples getting along and all that, but at this point it is just not realistic to think that you would want to hear all about her. It assumes truly that you approve and are just fine about his leaving you for her. And while your life has moved on, it is still not okay. In fact, I think by his reaction you can tell that your words had an effect. There ARE consequences. He is da*m lucky that you are still speaking to him, laughing, and cooking dinner for him in fact.
My therapist said that she has read that divorced partners tend to remain friends when BOTH are content with their lives - and that it does not usually happen right away.
This all concerns me b/c as i go further down this road, I am wondering where this part will lead. What will the post d relationship with my STBXH look like. Many of the posters here have virtually no relationship. That may be healthy, but maybe not. I am willing to let go of trying to 'decide' on it now, and will wait to see how I feel.
Meanwhile, I have one son (S22) who has been willing to get involved w/ his dad and ow, and the other (S28) who wants nothing to do with her. I need to support both of their decisions b/c I love them both unconditionally and see that they are making the best choices that they can for who they each are. This is not an easy journey. This month is not an easy part of this hard journey.
I am so glad you continue to post and update here - it is very helpful and most appreciated. Happy holidays to you, Calder, xxx Amy
Yes! He used to be so sensitive and aware.Now it is like his head is in a balloon. I suspect that OW is very opinionated and feeds him platitudes which he swallows.. making him feel alright about things. He probably thought my friendliness meant I no longer minded about his betrayal and loss and all the damage done by OW. Now he knows he cannot now just try to introduce her to me as if we were all friends That was one of his early fantasies.. I was to meet someone wonderful for me.. and who knows, Hoho, we could all get together and chum up!!
I also dread meeting her.. eg at wedding or funeral.. I suspect she will try to introduce and force herself on me, or get H to make us meet.Seems their style. I hope you and your family also have a wonderful time Mojo!
Yes! I sympathise with that! I also dread that happening.My mum in law is 95 and if she dies I will also have to face OW and H together. I do fear the pressure to be introduced and wonder what others have done to cope in this situation/
Keep strong! I just keep going mermaid.Ups and downs always happen, but I work hard to keep my social life up and very active.I am proactive now in getting things going and risking rebuffs, which I did not before. It pays off in the end. Love n hugs,
Happy holidays to you and yours too! Well I think that if a relationship is in any way abusive, it is best ended. If it was good before, then there is a good reason for keeping a friendly approach. It stops me from getting bitter or too angry. I do maintain boundaries, and tell myself. "He is never coming back."
Then I am more at peace and just get on with my life and enjoy my new challenges and friends and the unexpected novelty of my situation.
There are bonuses all round for me so far in being friendly and people like it usually. I just don't use it to stop me moving forward.. not marking time on the kerb.. but marching on to my own new tune.. a happy one.. For the universal truth is.. Why not be happy? We can all try to be.. Not being happy does us no good, and if we can at all make ourslves get happy.. by faking at first.. then it does help everyone.
That does not mean we are over accepting.. quite the opposite.. but it means we do add to the quantity of happiness in this hard world.. Which can help others as well as ourselves. I work with severely mentally ill people.. Being a happy but empathic person can help bring hope and a wee ray of light to others darkness at times.
Well that is my rant for now!
And H has just phoned re son 29 as he did not get my last email, so very friendly chat , and relief all round that son OK etc.He has extra wee pressie for me, plus boy's pressies which he will hand in to one of son's flats as they live in town too. All very affable. HE HE!
Says he will be in touch soon.. Believe it if you like ,I don't! Three months is the gestation of our meetings!
I was not surprised he tried out chatting about OW. I think most WAS would love it if the LBS would let them know everything's alright and accept what WAS has done and happily engage in chats about OP. Would assuage the WAS's guilt, validate what they've done. But that is, as I think you've said, quite a fantasy. Yes, I know people who do it, but they are few and far between. My H made noises in our last conversation about awkwardness of talking to me whilst knowing I won't want to hear about OW2 but too bad! You were right to set that boundary. None of us needs any more reminders of betrayal.
In fact.. maybe an extra bonus for me.. not only feeling good about taking control of OW talk, but so far I have not had the dreaded PTSD reaction which I have had ,and many of us have, after significant contact with WAS ,till now. Even with him phoning again last night and the emails etc.
The mood swings, disturbed sleep and dreams, loss feelings and memories of past, the disasterising thinking and fears, have not materialised as yet!!. Wheeeee! Getting freer, and more in control for me and my life. I am in great fettle and good, not high mood.
Just done my big shop at 6 AM to beat rush and more or less set up for children and Christmas.
Take care and best wishes to you, and all ,for the holiday season, from Scotland..!!
