Well,just back from another amazing hillwalk ,in autumn glory.
Over the Eildon Hills, among the remains of Roman hill forts.. and the place by an old tree where Thomas the Rymer made one of his prophesies, hundreds of years ago.. in the thirteenth century.
Fun and friendship and walking in the open wild places.
I would never have got here, in any sense ,if WAH had not dumped me. I do have an acute sense of the natural beauties,harsh but rewarding, not blurred by other thoughts or fears. I can give myself to the moment as never before.
I am my own person for the first time I can remember. I do not filter my thoughts dreams and opinions through anyone else's expectations.. or needs. Thank you H for this precious gift.
I still rage at being dumped after nearly 40 years close together...
But I have a new life with other rewards. Not what I wanted ever.. still pain and grief and loss and missing.., but at least I can be me, and whole, for a lot of the time.
That is a gift.. a freedom, me in a kind of wild state. I have developed my humour.. my character, my confidence! I do not recognise myself at times.. Not so much the mousey, caring,considerate, compromising, often deferential wife.
I am losing much of this.. Of course I am more assertive .. snappy at odd times..there is a down side too! I trust less, more cynical.. more cheeky, take a lot more risks.. I am I think more fun to be with and have a lot more friends..
I now am more confident in myself as a woman again.. not as a wife.. an adjunct.. but as a woman on her own. So.. still lots to go for, still big sad times.. but moving on and getting somewhere that is good, if scary at times.
Welcome to your new thread. As usual, being honest about the down side of what's happened yet triumphant finding the silver lining of the MLC cloud!
Are you a Bronte fan? Your descriptions and the title of your thread take me back to a paper I did on "Wuthering Heights" long ago about Cathy and her connection to the heath and wild moors -- how it fit her true persona, how she thrived there, but faded once moved to the Linton house (and even in death the heath grew over and claimed her grave site). (See what happens when you deny your true self, hmm . . ..)
Hi Karen, Thank you for your reply, and welcome to my new thread! Bronte is a bit melodramatic for me.. I am more Austin and Elliot!
From an early age the countryside and the wilds and sea and rivers, and their kind, have always brought comfort, healing and happiness to me. Hey.. I want my ashes scattered on a wild Hebridean beach, if we are being cheerful!!
No word yet with S25.. He will be back on shift and elusive! I cannot do anything by phone. I will try to get date for day out here..relaxing together.. more likely to chat.
Meanwhile geting ready for 2 day course in Glasgow for Tribunal Training. My friend will be with me.. so will be more fun than if alone! Take care, Love n hugs,
It seems we are arriving at our own peak, and drawing close to the same conclusion. Yes, I agree, still some sad times, but I find them only when I look behind me and towards the past. When I keep my focus on the future, there aren't as many.
Although, I did once think I was going to grow old with the xh, and be able to share life long memories during those still and quiet times.
What I have gained, is myself once again. As you have stated, my whole self, and this does feel rewarding. I don't see the person I have now become, ever being able to fit into that person I used to be while married to xh. I don't want to go back, not now, it is too limited, too controlled for the person I am today.
Yes, it is my choice too!
Take care of you! God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
Hey Calder, What a great post!! I am happy to hear all of the wonderful things you are doing for yourself. I am thrilled for you that you have found this wonderful happiness... Relish in it and enjoy every single minute of your new life. Blessings XX
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Hi Laughing, Just a quick thank you.. as I am rushing out to work ,then tonight going to course. I am so glad my friend that you also are at this exciting stage. Life is opening out..
It may or may not be easy,may be hard.. who knows where it will go.
But good times now, and living it out.. not in a limbo. We also have the respect of others I find ,in being upbeat and fighting on for our new lives, without hurting those around us. we have changed.. Like you i do deeply miss the dream of growing old with H, especially as so much time shared. At 60 not easy;but I am doing it.. better than I thought I could.
You are also surpassing your own expectations, growing and moving!
Hi LR, Yes, I think we see things the same way many of us, at this stage.
That is good, it feels right.We are moving on, life is moving on.
I had a nice phone call from Mum in law 93 yrs. She had a bad fall recently. Hurt her leg. I had been feeling bad as not phoned her in a week or two,but it had been difficult last time.She just so wants me to say how it is OK re WAH and OW.
I know she loves flowers, so I sent a bouquet again. This time not orchids but of fragrant coloured lilies. She phoned to thank me..
We agreed flowers are so nice, they perk you up each time you see them Someone is thinking of you. I hope to visit and see her and B and S in law next week. Never easy though, they are so caring, supportive and welcoming, but still loyalty to WAH. I was touched as she says she often thinks of me.Not easy for her.
I am just back from tough but great trainung course..I am tired but OK Sadly I got an allergic reaction to new face cream, and my eyes swelled up and watered profusely.. really embarrassing! Managed to get it under control when I had to present and contribute.. but red faced and looking as if I was in tears for part of the time!
Wow! After a frenetic day.. finally on leave for a week! Doing lots.. so much to do in short time.
Will be hillwalking with New Guy, and seeing In-Laws. As per usual after hugs and promises to contact very soon, not a cheep from WAH.
Well it lets me get over PTSD effects and mood swings from contact with him. I am on a good level,again after ups and downs.
I hope it keeps up. Seeing him does not help me.I suspect it has a similar effect on him from the fact of lack of contact. He was such a principled guy before..
He cannot live with what he has done, to me and sons, other than denial and avoidance, despite being pleased to see me when we meet. Ah well.. I can escape also to my good new life!
