well guys and gals, I'm just journaling tonight. No need to reply unless ya just feel the need to.LOL Everything is going Ok I guess. This past weekend was quiet eventfull though. I had plans to go to my G/F's when I got off work Friday night ( get off at 1 am). W had been ok the few days before that, even said she knew it was over and accepted it. WRONG! She started calling me at about 11 pm and was begging me to come be with her when I got off work. Was saying " put ME first just this once". said we didnt have to have sex, just come be with her. She said she was feeling lonely and needed me becouse I knew her better than anybody else. I was firm and insisted that I was not going to change my plans for the night. When I got off work she was calling and I finally had to turn off my phone. She was text messaging too. I went to my house and showered and grabbed a change of clothes. When I got to G/F's house, her teenage D (15) answered the door and said " your W just called my mom". . . . . WOW! she managed to screw up my plans anyway. She told gf that I was still in love with her and how we had all this history together and If she wasnt in the way, that I'd be back with her.She told her about some VERY private stuff from our past(skeletons in the closet) that Not even her closest friend knows about. she told her about my coming by her apt earlier in the week and de icing her windows so she wouldnt have to. ( did this on my way home from work one morning bcoz the ice was bad, she didnt even know about it until I told her 2 days later) So, The Gf and I talked alot about the sitch and we got things back to normal for us. She's always telling me that she'll get out of the way if I want her too. She says that if I really love my W that I should work it out. So, it's not like she's trying to keep me away from my W, in fact she says that she expects me to go back to her. I tell her thats not going to happen. The Gf and I have a nice relationship, Niether have mentioned the "L" word LOL. We've both been cheated on and are wary of getting hurt again, so things move slooooowly. But she is really nice, good looking, laid back (like me) and never seems to get upset at anything. I'm crazy about her, I love spending time with her, but I can't say that I'm in love with her. I've been in love, so I know what that feels like. I WAS in love with my wife. The only issue I have right now is feeling bad for my W. I know she's dealing with a lot of pain, and regret. I've seen the remorse, more than I ever needed. I guess I worry about her sometimes and sometimes... I miss making love to her. i wonder some days if I'm doing the right thing, but I remember the counselor telling me that whatever decision I made, that I would second guess it from time to time. Some days I think about going by her apt to check on her and then I remember things that she did and I stop myself. I think about the ways she treated me even before she was cheating and I realize that even when we got married, I wasnt satisfied. I was always waiting for the current issue to go away so that our relationship would go back to being like it was when we first met.It never did, It was always something !! I think about how I bent over backwards to please her and changed my core to suite her and how unappreciated I felt sometimes. I think about the lack of affection, and how no matter how good the sex would be now, that it would eventually go back to the same when she got what she wanted. I'm reading the book "the way of the superior man" by David Dieda. I can see where I made so many mistakes in my relationship. One chapter speaks of living just beyond your edge. not being afraid of change, or leaving one relationship ( or job) while not knowing what was going to happen. Thats where i am. I'm not afraid of being alone. I doubt that the R with the GF will last forever, so that is not a crutch to aid in my decision to not stay with the W. I keep thinking about that song by Incubus, called Drive (?) it's about not letting fear control you, but taking the wheel and driving yourself. Oh well, enough rambling for now.
