I'm wondering what happened to the original boundary... ???
Quote: I never thought that I could be attracted to another woman, but I am.
Now you know how it feels to be in your wife's shoes.
Quote: My problem is that I still havent seen the remorse. It's like she wants to ease back into our relationship with no risk to herself. What about MY RISK ??? I simply don't trust her at all right now, and can see that she isn't willing to take on the responsibility of helping me to regain it. She doesn't understand the idea of her having the burden of being accountable and reasuring me when I get suspicious.
What about your risk? I believe YOU are the one who is in charge of that. Your wife has no burden of accountability nor of reassuring you... and she has told you time and again she wants to go SLOW, be friends with you, and see the OM whenever she wants, see if things work out between you and she. You are the one who is accepting this. And that is fine. No judgements.
But again, your actions are not being consistant with your words. Of course she isn't being consistant (she's never claimed to be). I know, I know... but you say you are a man of your word, and that sounds very important to you. Saying one thing, and then doing another is a problem... first for YOU, and then for her. My friend... you either want in, or you want out. Make THAT decision first, and then make sure your actions support that decision. You said you did not want to be involved with her if OM was still in her life. Yet... you still see her... you still talk to her... you have not filed for D... AND now... you are dating. This isn't even close to the original boundary. (In her mind, I'd say it probably puts the two of you on an even playing field, and makes you sound rather 'holier-than-thou' if you call her on any of her behavior, kwis?)
And yes, I think it is a very good idea to go and see your counselor... you've gone and gotten yourself attracted to someone, and now you are really confused. And that 'attraction' chemical bath running amok in your system is only going to complicate things unless you get a grip on it.
I know I sound rather harsh, but truly, I do no mean to come across this way. You waivered on your boundary... on your integrity, on Who You Are and What That Means... you have to find that, define it, believe it, BE it...(decide that before ANY female enters into the equation, k?) Make decisions based on what YOU want in YOUR life, and then go for it.
Quote: I don't need her to make me whole anymore. Or any other woman for that matter.
If this were truly the case, then why are you confused... and attracted to another woman?
OUCH! As always Corri, you are right on the money! I will post more tommorrow. There's been a butt load of drama this past week, and I don't have time to put it down before I go to work. I do have a counselors appointment tommorrow afternoon though.
Quote: Why Retaliation Affairs Only Make Things Worse
It’s not unusual for a spouse whose partner has had an affair to have a “get even” or “retaliation affair.” The feelings of betrayal and the emotional pain are so devastating that the spouse may want to hurt the partner like he (or she) has been hurt.
In some cases, the affair is planned out in advance as a deliberate way to get even and cause pain to the partner. In other cases, the betrayed spouse confides in a sympathetic friend or co-worker and ends up becoming emotionally bonded with that person, eventually resulting in a sexual affair. There are other situations where the spouse impulsively picks up someone in a bar and has a one-night stand.
The affair or one-night stand results from a combination of feelings—betrayal, shock, outrage, grief, hurt, numbness, the desire for revenge, and the feeling that being faithful doesn’t matter anymore now that the partner has crossed the line. The betrayed spouse wants to “even the score,” to seek comfort and solace in someone else’s arms, and to prop up self-esteem and feelings of being sexually desirable.
There’s also the feeling on the part of the betrayed spouse that the partner can’t say anything about the retaliation affair because he or she did the same thing. There’s also often the feeling that the “get even affair” is the fault of the partner who had the first affair, and he (or she) gets the blame for everything that has happened.
The betrayed spouse may tell the partner: “This is all your fault. If you hadn’t had the affair that you did, none of this would have happened.” He (or she) may be unwilling to accept any responsibility for what has taken place, and he may become mired in blame. (This, of course, is a cop-out. Each person is always responsible for individual choices and decisions.)
While it’s easy to understand how a retaliation or get even affair can happen, dealing with the aftermath certainly isn’t easy. The relationship dynamics were already complicated and messy, and now they are even more so.
10 Reasons to Avoid Retaliation
Retaliation affairs only make things worse. Here are ten reasons why:
(1) When the original affair took place, there was already one person too many in the marriage relationship—now there are two people too many, with all of the complications and complexity that brings with it. The marriage problems are compounded when this happens.
(2) The outside person who has been drawn into the retaliation affair is likely to end up feeling used and taken advantage of when the dust settles. And using someone else sexually never produces the kind of energy that you want to invite into your life. Plus, afterwards there can be lingering guilt and regret.
(3) Because the retaliation affair is based on wanting to hurt your partner, nothing good can come of it. This quote by Charley Reese sums up why: “It is never wise to seek or wish for another’s misfortune. If malice or envy were tangible and had a shape, it would be a boomerang.”
(4) Having a retaliation affair is right up there with “cutting off your nose to spite your face” and “shooting yourself in the foot.” This means that you’ll only be hurting yourself more than anyone else if you let your anger and desire for revenge get the upper hand.
(5) Engaging in a “get even fling” will only drive a bigger wedge between you and your partner and make it harder for you to address the real problems in the marriage. It will also serve as a diversion from focusing on the deeper, underlying issues.
(6) The retaliation affair or one night stand offers only temporary escape from the pain and distress. When the brief interlude is over, the heartache is still there. There’s no getting around the fact that “You take yourself with you wherever you go.” The temporary escape won’t bring you lasting happiness or joy.
(7) Getting even with your partner by having sex with someone else won’t help you accomplish the goal of rebuilding and restoring your marriage. It will only take you further down the road toward dissention, irreconcilable differences, separation, and divorce.
(8) If you have children, they can be adversely affected by your actions. Kids learn about relationships, problem solving, and how to handle crisis and anger from their parents. It’s important to model the kind of behavior and reactions that you want them to learn and adopt in their life.
(9) You never go wrong by taking the “high road.” On the other hand, you invite negative energy, disharmony, conflict, and unpleasantness into your life when you take the “low road.” It can take a long time to untangle yourself from the mess you’ve created.
(10) The saying, “Two wrongs don’t make a right” has been quoted through the years because it’s true—just because someone else “did you wrong” doesn’t make it okay for you to do the same thing to them. There’s another saying that applies here: “He who seeks revenge should dig two graves.”
Hard as it can be to resist the urge to get even or retaliate, the most helpful action you can take if you are the betrayed spouse is to find an experienced counselor who can help you cope with the painful situation.
That way, you’ll have the support, encouragement, and objective feedback that you need to make sound, thoughtful decisions and avoid a rash “knee jerk” response that will tear your relationship apart even more.
Thanx for your replies. and sorry that I have not posted in soooo long. The events of the past few weeks have been very interesting, to say the least. Everything is 180'd now. the things she says to me are exactly words I used with her before. I even gave her my DR book !!! I gave it to her so that she would leave me alone, bcoz that is the first lesson; stop persuing. I saw the remorse. She has literally BEGGED me to take her back. We've had sex...LOTS of it, and better than ever b4, but I seriosly don't want her back any more. and I swear it's not bcoz of another woman. It's bcoz I finally got fed up and realized that she was not what I needed and how much things were bringing me down, even b4 the crap started. She was making baby steps toward reconcilliation,but remember, no remorce, only demands on her part,and telling me how she wasn't gonna do this and that....until she found out I was talking to other women. Then all hell broke loose and she got mad and wanted a divorce. Then she went into " I cant live w/o you mode". She has been waiting at the gate for me when I got off work, came to the house and wouldn't leave, begged me to have sex with her, you name it. Would not give me the respect and distance I gave her. I went to councilling and got my head straight about this. I asked her for a divorce. I've made up my mind and I'm sticking to it.(got the book, corri) I may regret it one day, but that is the chance I'll take and live with the conciquinces. I did try for a bit to work it out, and as soon as I agreed to, I regretted it. I came to realize that I was only doing this out of guilt. Guilt for having tried so hard to get her back and then change my mind about the time she changed hers...but... you have to remember that she only changed hers when she found out that I wasnt gonna be there waiting for her. " we only want what we cant have". I know that as soon as things went back to normal......things would "go back to normal". I can only imagine all the hate responses to this action, but I said all along that I couldn't have done this as long as some of you have. More power to you and I hope you get what you want. I finally realized that that was not what I needed anymore.I actually like being single now. I guess she should never have given me the opportunity to find that out. And, it has NOTHING to do with any other women. It's more to do with what I will never accept again. When I look back on the past events, I am embarracedat how weak I was and what I was willing to accept. OK, bring on the responses. let me say this again..The DB stuff DOES work !
BigB... CONGRATULATIONS! I am glad to hear that this has worked out for you in a positive way, no matter what happened to the marriage.
Yes, the DB stuff REALLY DOES WORK, even if you can't save that marriage. That is why its SO DAM IMPORTANT to work on yourself. I hope everyone reads your post and realizes that its not the end of the world if the marriage does not work out.
well, the fact is, that If thats what I wanted, it's there. She has shown the remorse, more than I ever imagined. And, you know that deep down I'll always love her. I know that sounds wierd and contradictary, but I just can't take all the bad that comes with her. I explained it to her like she's this beautiful snake with jewels for scales that's saying "pick me up" But if I do she'll bite me. No matter how beautiful she is. I do know that she was messed up, but she kept doing it over and over and over, and NEVER cared how I felt about it. Never cared that it hurt me, and I damned sure let her know it. It;s like somebody else on here said, Infidelity is about entitlement, (or self). or like I saw on a church marque, " there is no sin without I ". She is all about herself. I was all about her, and she took and took while I continually gave....and I finally gave out. ( hey, thats pretty good. you can use that one)
well guys and gals, I'm just journaling tonight. No need to reply unless ya just feel the need to.LOL Everything is going Ok I guess. This past weekend was quiet eventfull though. I had plans to go to my G/F's when I got off work Friday night ( get off at 1 am). W had been ok the few days before that, even said she knew it was over and accepted it. WRONG! She started calling me at about 11 pm and was begging me to come be with her when I got off work. Was saying " put ME first just this once". said we didnt have to have sex, just come be with her. She said she was feeling lonely and needed me becouse I knew her better than anybody else. I was firm and insisted that I was not going to change my plans for the night. When I got off work she was calling and I finally had to turn off my phone. She was text messaging too. I went to my house and showered and grabbed a change of clothes. When I got to G/F's house, her teenage D (15) answered the door and said " your W just called my mom". . . . . WOW! she managed to screw up my plans anyway. She told gf that I was still in love with her and how we had all this history together and If she wasnt in the way, that I'd be back with her.She told her about some VERY private stuff from our past(skeletons in the closet) that Not even her closest friend knows about. she told her about my coming by her apt earlier in the week and de icing her windows so she wouldnt have to. ( did this on my way home from work one morning bcoz the ice was bad, she didnt even know about it until I told her 2 days later) So, The Gf and I talked alot about the sitch and we got things back to normal for us. She's always telling me that she'll get out of the way if I want her too. She says that if I really love my W that I should work it out. So, it's not like she's trying to keep me away from my W, in fact she says that she expects me to go back to her. I tell her thats not going to happen. The Gf and I have a nice relationship, Niether have mentioned the "L" word LOL. We've both been cheated on and are wary of getting hurt again, so things move slooooowly. But she is really nice, good looking, laid back (like me) and never seems to get upset at anything. I'm crazy about her, I love spending time with her, but I can't say that I'm in love with her. I've been in love, so I know what that feels like. I WAS in love with my wife. The only issue I have right now is feeling bad for my W. I know she's dealing with a lot of pain, and regret. I've seen the remorse, more than I ever needed. I guess I worry about her sometimes and sometimes... I miss making love to her. i wonder some days if I'm doing the right thing, but I remember the counselor telling me that whatever decision I made, that I would second guess it from time to time. Some days I think about going by her apt to check on her and then I remember things that she did and I stop myself. I think about the ways she treated me even before she was cheating and I realize that even when we got married, I wasnt satisfied. I was always waiting for the current issue to go away so that our relationship would go back to being like it was when we first met.It never did, It was always something !! I think about how I bent over backwards to please her and changed my core to suite her and how unappreciated I felt sometimes. I think about the lack of affection, and how no matter how good the sex would be now, that it would eventually go back to the same when she got what she wanted. I'm reading the book "the way of the superior man" by David Dieda. I can see where I made so many mistakes in my relationship. One chapter speaks of living just beyond your edge. not being afraid of change, or leaving one relationship ( or job) while not knowing what was going to happen. Thats where i am. I'm not afraid of being alone. I doubt that the R with the GF will last forever, so that is not a crutch to aid in my decision to not stay with the W. I keep thinking about that song by Incubus, called Drive (?) it's about not letting fear control you, but taking the wheel and driving yourself. Oh well, enough rambling for now.
