Krylos, I'm in shock! What just happened will blow your mind. I'm on night shift. she's on day shift. She comes to my house and crawls in the bed with me about lunch time. I get up to go drain the dragon and when I come back, she's NAKED!!!! Talk about drama. BUT.....Nothing happened. She said she felt dizzy at work and took her last 4 hrs of vacation. ( uh, huh, Sure it had nothing to do with last night's conversation.) It's ok though. It was reeeeeally nice just to hold her and smell her, MMmm. There was some nice moments. There were also some things she said that I thought were interesting. She said that some guy at work had met my sister, who cuts hair, and that when she found out he worked where we do, she asked him if he knew her EX_SISTER_IN_LAW. W was kinda upset about that one. Then before she left ( oh yeah, she said she needed to go & get out of my hair. I didn't beg her to stay, just said ok ) we were talking about movie DVD's that I had and I told her she could take them HOME and watch them. She quickly said " You mean to my apartment, not my home". Krylos, you are the one that amazes me most of the time. I don't know how you keep your cool sometimes. You and JOB have got that patience thing hemmed up !
The drama just keeps getting thicker all the time. This is no longer a roller coaster ride...It's a freeking Tilt-A-Whirl ! WOOOooOOOOO HOOoooooOOOO! W called me @ work last night to tell me that my sister (My cheerleader) had called and insisted that she come to our family thanksgiving dinner, bcoz They just had to have her pineapple cake there. When I sorta made a funny noise,... the Caca hit the oscillator ! Turns out that now I'm not really in love with her. If I was then I would be understanding and let her make this change in her own time. That I wouldn't want to sleep with other women blah, blah, blah, yada yada yada ! JEEEZ Corri, You were so right. She has "threatened " me with proceeding with the divorce. I didn't back down. She told me that I really had her believing that I loved her and would be patient and always be there for her, but not now that I say I will be with other women. That one is called " dangling the carrot in front of you and when you fall on your face trying to get it, or give up, she can say " gee, if only you had tried a little bit longer"". Well in the name of saving your having too much to read, and to save my two fingers from typing too much ( hey, I'm not bragging, but I know proffessional secretaries that have to use all ten fingers)I'll just put the basic difference of opinions here. My point : As long as OM is in your life in ANY way, I will NOT invest my emotions into this relationship. That doesn't mean that I won't talk to you, or be there for you when you REALLY need me. But it also means that I will persue other women if I feel like it. You don't HAVE to do anything. If you need time, take all you need. I love you, and would like to be the one that is there for you.I just won't do it with OM in the picture. Her:You really had me going there, had me believing that you really did love me and wouldnt hurt me. Now You want to have sex with other women just because I wont cut ties with OM. I have stopped having a physical relationship with him. But you won't trust me on that. I can see that my and OM's relationship will not be lasting and that I know if we are to work things out that I'll have to have no contact with him, but right now I want for you and I to start as friends and let our relationship grow again. I am going through alot more than you and it's not fair to make me do this. I thought you understood. My boundary is that I'm not ready to cut ties with anybody right now, way too confused to make any big life decisions right now. if you want a divorce, then you can have it. I feel like I've lost you since you want other women. You told me you could go without sex for me ( to heal from the abuse issues) but now I see you just want sex. I have been reaching out for you and you wont be there for me, so you dont really care. I'm scared now to invest in our relationship. You just want me to pay for my mistakes. I told her that I felt she wanted to have her cake and eat it too. So , any thoughts on this situation. She's been very upset. It KILLS me to hear her crying on the phone. I just have to keep reminding myself that if I waffle, I'll lose my self respect and any I've gained from her.
I'll try to catch up on your sitch later when I have more time. In the meanwhile, here's what you need to put in your signature, in the place of that big ugly mess you have now.
I just read through your whole thread (whew!) I never would have believed that the ultimatum was the best idea, but you seem to be pulling it off. Amazing. Now, here's my take on where you stand today.
You've made a LOT of progress. You have your W rethinking things, and seriously considering getting back with you (don't let her current upset give you the wrong idea - someone who has not emotional connection to your R doesn't get this upset about things ending.)
You've drawn some tough lines in the sand for her, the main one being to drop the OM. Fine, fair enough. But I see a bit of a double-standard here. Remember your very first post? (I do, because I just read it!;)) It said:
Quote: She told me that I should date other women now. this was only so that it would be ok for her to be with him, becouse even though she had been cheating ( and had only slept with me once since Christmas) she would get very jealous about me and other women. I had told her that I had been talking to a couple of women but had decided not to talk to them any more until I was divorced. I said that I stood with her in front of our friends and families and promised to be faithful to her no matter what, and that I intended to keep my word even if she hadn't. I started wearing my ring again too. I told her that I had a date in mind, that I wouldn't let her know when it was, but if she has not asked me for a divorce by then and things were'nt looking better (getting rid of OM) then I would ask her for one so that I could start dating with a clear concience.
Now, at this point, I think you need to make up your mind. Are you going to pursue this divorce seriously? Are you really DONE and ready to move on? If so, then fine - move on with your life and date other women.
But if you are still holding out hope for your M, then act that way. Yes, stick to your guns about filing, if that's what it takes to shake her up. Yes, stick to your guns about her dropping the OM entirely. But don't claim you still want your marriage to work out, and then go start dating and sleeping with other women. (And don't tell me about your "male needs" - I have them too and you know this ain't the answer.)
You've told us how fragile your W is, with her history of abuse and neglect. If you want to salvage your M, then quit setting up ultimatums and trying to scare her into coming back to you. Do you think that's going to work? I don't! Ease up just a little and give things a fighting chance to resolve in your favor.
Sorry for the tough love, pardner, but that's the way I see it. If you don't agree with what I said, that's fine - being here doesn't mean we all have to agree, and giving advice doesn't mean anybody has to take it. I'm not trying to jump down your throat, but I'm really concerned you're on the verge of throwing away all your hard work, and I would hate to see that happen.
Rob
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
WOW Rob. First, thanks for helping me with the technical stuff. Second, I can't believe you took the time to read my whole thread.But Thank you very much for your interest and your advice.It is much appreciated.
I did do exactly as I said I would. I didn't even talk to other women. Then On the date I had set, I asked her for a divorce. Then this morning, she wanted me to ask her again. I told her that I did not want a divorce anymore than she does, But I did remind her and say it for her. I said" I want us to work on our relationship. I want for us to start slowly as you do. But I will not invest my emotions into a relationship with, and I will not stay married to you while you are involved with the man that you cheated on me with for over a yr now. If you can't let him go, then give me a divorce, becouse there's obviously a lot more to your relationship with him than you're telling me." I told her to take all the time she needs to sort things out. Rob, The thing is, I'm just fed up with the OM deal. If she was truely regretful then she wouldn't stay in that relationship. Weekend before last I asked her for a divorce. She didn't even want to talk about it. She started calling and coming around more. I did enjoy that and I just tried to assume that she wasn't seeing him. I knew she was talking to him, but I was gonna not push that issue at the time. Then this past weekend she admits that she and OM went out to eat saturday night. So that was like a slap in the face! Thats when I felt I had to re-assert my boundary. If this was an ultimatum, or a manipulative tactic, then yes, it would be a huge gamble. But it isnt either of those. I truely feel that if she can't make that one step for us, then there is nothing to work on. I told her that if she wanted me as bad as she says she does, then show me.Fight for me. Fight for us. She sent me a text msg saying that she is just to weak right now, but I deserve to be fought for. Too weak ? Too weak for what ? giving up a "friendship" that was inappropriate from day one ? Giving up a "friend" that admittedly persued and seduced you knowing that you were in a confused, depressed state and took advantage of it ? That's a FRIEND??? He told her she was a challenge, and that she was very gullible. If someone told me that, I'd be highly offended.
I also told her last night that I had been whipped and living in fear of losing her for so long, and the minute I get a backbone, she doesn't know how to handle it.
In one of the books I read, It talks about persuer / distancer relationships. Thats always been us, my being the persuer. The persuer chases after the distancer, who pushes away. The only way to change this relationship and make it more normal is for the persuer to stop and then the distancer will try everything to make things go back to normal, to get the persuer to chase them again. the only way the distancer will change is if they feel they are losing the persuer. This is an opportunity for both to move to the center and have a more "normal" relationship. I'm no longer persuing her and she is freaking out. The telling her I will date is moving farther away from my old ways. I feel like she took me for granted and thought she could do as she pleases bcoz she knew I'd always be waiting to take her back when she was through playing. If I backed up on this, here's what would happen: She would take her time letting go of OM. She would eventually come back to me, but I would always have to worry about the next man that came along with a big set of ears and a soft shoulder to cry on. She would still not have made much of an investment into our relationship. If she dumps OM for the sake of our R, then that is a huge investment. So if she is more invested in the relationship, and has more respect for me, then the chances of repeating the infidelities are reduced. If she doesn't make that investment, then seriously, what have I lost? Nothing that I haven't already lost and nothing that I wouldn't lose over and over again. That's how I feel about it, and thats why I can be so firm on my boundary. What do y'all think ???
I think that you rationalize that very well, and I think it works. I can't believe the strength you are showing. I don't know that I would be able to do what you are doing, but the way you put it makes total sense... especially the "what have I got to lose" part.
I've tried to keep up here, but wow. I agree with Rob and Swashy. You're in the driver's seat, that's for sure. Is the book you are referring to possibly Facing Love Addiction? It does appear that you got fed up. I am rooting for you, but from the outside I'm not sure if it is an approach that will get you lasting positive results. I hope it does, though. We do know our own sitch like nobody else does. Just don't be too hard-headed about things.
forever21
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
Thanks guys, for the input. Last night she had me stop by her place on my way to work. She wanted to give me a letter.It was a nice letter saying how much she loves me and that my believing in her made her feel like she was worth something. That with me giving up, it would be hard on her.But she's still too weak to fight for me. ( That's the only thing that I don't understand)pretty much a goodby letter after that. I just don't understand why she can't kick his ass to the curb. Is it not wanting to be controlled(rebellion). I'm truely not trying to control her, but I know she'll see it that way. Is it becouse she is still strongly attached to him ? Maybe she wants to see if the relationship with me will be good again before she burns her bridges. Idon't know, but tell me, Is there anybody that thinks I should allow this to proceed under her terms???ie; get involved with her and build our relationship back slowly while she is still " friends" with OM. For myself, I just can't see it happening that way. I was too lieniant and accommodating for way too long, and I've worked too hard at getting myself back to backslide now. I know that she's hurting right now, but I hurt for a long time myself. No it's not about retaliation or pentance. It's about self preservation, emotionally speaking.
Hey, I sent the W a text this morning about the time she would be getting ready for work.It said that if she wanted to talk, to call me. She did. We did the usuall small talk and I asked her what she had meant by " I'm too weak ". She said it was hard to explain. I asked her if it was like the questions I asked in the last post. I never did get a good answer. I told her I just didn't understand it.
This afternoon, while on my way to work, she called me and we talked for 10-15 mins. She told me that she would like to come to my place tonight, while I was at work to do her laundry, and that way she wouldn't be in my way this weekend. I kinda did the heavy sigh thing, and she said " well, you don't want me around , do you ? " I changed the subject. My son's Bday is Saturday. I had bought him a soft carrying case for the rifle his aunt & uncle bought him. They suggested this as a good gift idea to go along with the camo boots I had already got him. Then I find out that they bought a case for him themselves. So now I have to take that one back and get something else, so as we were talking about his Bday and what she could get him, I suggested that she wait and come over to do her laundry on Saturday and we could go get him something together. She thought that was a great idea. So I softened a little bit. That should please any of you who thought I was being too hard. LOL.
It will give us a chance to talk more and for me to show a PMA. If this all goes well, I know she'll ask me about going to the inlaws for their Thanksgiving dinner this sunday. I'm still mixed on whether I should go or not, but I do miss them and havent seen them since August. None of them have seen me since I've lost weight either. That would be a surprise to them. Anybody have an opinion on this ????
She said she felt dizzy at work and took her last 4 hrs of vacation. ( uh, huh, Sure it had nothing to do with last night's conversation.) It's ok though. It was reeeeeally nice just to hold her and smell her, MMmm. There was some nice moments. There were also some things she said that I thought were interesting. She said that some guy at work had met my sister, who cuts hair, and that when she found out he worked where we do, she asked him if he knew her EX_SISTER_IN_LAW. W was kinda upset about that one. Then before she left ( oh yeah, she said she needed to go & get out of my hair. I didn't beg her to stay, just said ok 
