WOW Rob. First, thanks for helping me with the technical stuff. Second, I can't believe you took the time to read my whole thread.But Thank you very much for your interest and your advice.It is much appreciated.
I did do exactly as I said I would. I didn't even talk to other women. Then On the date I had set, I asked her for a divorce. Then this morning, she wanted me to ask her again. I told her that I did not want a divorce anymore than she does, But I did remind her and say it for her. I said" I want us to work on our relationship. I want for us to start slowly as you do. But I will not invest my emotions into a relationship with, and I will not stay married to you while you are involved with the man that you cheated on me with for over a yr now. If you can't let him go, then give me a divorce, becouse there's obviously a lot more to your relationship with him than you're telling me." I told her to take all the time she needs to sort things out. Rob, The thing is, I'm just fed up with the OM deal. If she was truely regretful then she wouldn't stay in that relationship. Weekend before last I asked her for a divorce. She didn't even want to talk about it. She started calling and coming around more. I did enjoy that and I just tried to assume that she wasn't seeing him. I knew she was talking to him, but I was gonna not push that issue at the time. Then this past weekend she admits that she and OM went out to eat saturday night. So that was like a slap in the face! Thats when I felt I had to re-assert my boundary. If this was an ultimatum, or a manipulative tactic, then yes, it would be a huge gamble. But it isnt either of those. I truely feel that if she can't make that one step for us, then there is nothing to work on. I told her that if she wanted me as bad as she says she does, then show me.Fight for me. Fight for us. She sent me a text msg saying that she is just to weak right now, but I deserve to be fought for. Too weak ? Too weak for what ? giving up a "friendship" that was inappropriate from day one ? Giving up a "friend" that admittedly persued and seduced you knowing that you were in a confused, depressed state and took advantage of it ? That's a FRIEND??? He told her she was a challenge, and that she was very gullible. If someone told me that, I'd be highly offended.
I also told her last night that I had been whipped and living in fear of losing her for so long, and the minute I get a backbone, she doesn't know how to handle it.
In one of the books I read, It talks about persuer / distancer relationships. Thats always been us, my being the persuer. The persuer chases after the distancer, who pushes away. The only way to change this relationship and make it more normal is for the persuer to stop and then the distancer will try everything to make things go back to normal, to get the persuer to chase them again. the only way the distancer will change is if they feel they are losing the persuer. This is an opportunity for both to move to the center and have a more "normal" relationship. I'm no longer persuing her and she is freaking out. The telling her I will date is moving farther away from my old ways. I feel like she took me for granted and thought she could do as she pleases bcoz she knew I'd always be waiting to take her back when she was through playing. If I backed up on this, here's what would happen: She would take her time letting go of OM. She would eventually come back to me, but I would always have to worry about the next man that came along with a big set of ears and a soft shoulder to cry on. She would still not have made much of an investment into our relationship. If she dumps OM for the sake of our R, then that is a huge investment. So if she is more invested in the relationship, and has more respect for me, then the chances of repeating the infidelities are reduced. If she doesn't make that investment, then seriously, what have I lost? Nothing that I haven't already lost and nothing that I wouldn't lose over and over again. That's how I feel about it, and thats why I can be so firm on my boundary. What do y'all think ???
