BigB 50989's 2nd thread

[Rob1231]

Hi BigB,

I just read through your whole thread (whew!) I never would have believed that the ultimatum was the best idea, but you seem to be pulling it off. Amazing. Now, here's my take on where you stand today.

You've made a LOT of progress. You have your W rethinking things, and seriously considering getting back with you (don't let her current upset give you the wrong idea - someone who has not emotional connection to your R doesn't get this upset about things ending.)

You've drawn some tough lines in the sand for her, the main one being to drop the OM. Fine, fair enough. But I see a bit of a double-standard here. Remember your very first post? (I do, because I just read it!;)) It said:

She told me that I should date other women now. this was only so that it would be ok for her to be with him, becouse even though she had been cheating ( and had only slept with me once since Christmas) she would get very jealous about me and other women. I had told her that I had been talking to a couple of women but had decided not to talk to them any more until I was divorced. I said that I stood with her in front of our friends and families and promised to be faithful to her no matter what, and that I intended to keep my word even if she hadn't. I started wearing my ring again too. I told her that I had a date in mind, that I wouldn't let her know when it was, but if she has not asked me for a divorce by then and things were'nt looking better (getting rid of OM) then I would ask her for one so that I could start dating with a clear concience.

Now, at this point, I think you need to make up your mind. Are you going to pursue this divorce seriously? Are you really DONE and ready to move on? If so, then fine - move on with your life and date other women.

But if you are still holding out hope for your M, then act that way. Yes, stick to your guns about filing, if that's what it takes to shake her up. Yes, stick to your guns about her dropping the OM entirely. But don't claim you still want your marriage to work out, and then go start dating and sleeping with other women. (And don't tell me about your "male needs" - I have them too and you know this ain't the answer.)

You've told us how fragile your W is, with her history of abuse and neglect. If you want to salvage your M, then quit setting up ultimatums and trying to scare her into coming back to you. Do you think that's going to work? I don't! Ease up just a little and give things a fighting chance to resolve in your favor.

Sorry for the tough love, pardner, but that's the way I see it. If you don't agree with what I said, that's fine - being here doesn't mean we all have to agree, and giving advice doesn't mean anybody has to take it. I'm not trying to jump down your throat, but I'm really concerned you're on the verge of throwing away all your hard work, and I would hate to see that happen.

Rob