I barely snoop anymore. For some reason I checked his cell this a.m. after he'd gotten home from work and there it was - another call to the OW. They aren't 10 a day anymore, not even daily, perhaps 1 every 10 days or so. But why does he do it? He could sense I was upset when he tried hugging me this morning, and I told him I saw the call. He tried to reassure me it meant nothing, but it stings like anything. If not for me knowing about these calls (who knows what their contact is like at work), I would say our marriage is great. Not great like pre-bomb when I was in denial, but truly great. So why does he still need her? I really feel like introducing myself to her and her family and telling her off. Of course, I am too chicken. I want him to feel like I do. So immature, I know, but I wish someone else was pining away for me and he could feel his marriage threatened. I wonder if he'd fight for me or get back together with OW? I feel pretty low right now.
H 40
Me 40
married 15 years
5 children aged 2-11
Bomb 2-6-05
Now we are piecing, I think
Hi Beth, For the record, I was in the same boat as you 30 days ago. (See my sitch in Piecing for details). I received good advice about this very thing. I get my cell phone bill again in a few days so I may be going thru it all over again.
It sucks that they still call OW when they are supposedly working on the M with us. My H also works with OW so I really don't know the extent of their contact and it hurts like h-e-double hockey sticks
Thanks, Mama. Yours is one of the threads I always check. I'll have to go back and reread a ways back. That cell bill is a dreaded thing - I always find even more calls than I'd already discovered. How much longer? Two years seems like eternity.
H 40
Me 40
married 15 years
5 children aged 2-11
Bomb 2-6-05
Now we are piecing, I think
I'm not really familiar with your sitch but it certainly sounds like your H is suffering more from depression than with a gambling addiction. I'm sure you have tried everything but here are my questions/suggestions for you:
1) Have you told your H you forgive him for the A? And, if yes, do you really mean it? -- As hard as it is for us to forgive, it is crucial to do before our WASs can forgive themselves.
2) Have you suggested your H have friends over to actually play a real poker game rather than online. It sounds like your H is addicted to online poker in the way you are addicted to coming here. Does your H have other interests or hobbies? Does your H have supportive friends--in other words an opportunity to do things he enjoys w/out you around? (I think everyone needs some alone time.)
3) Do you have hobbies or interests of your own that make you happy? Don't forget two very important things. First, happiness comes from within. Second, happiness is contagious.
4) Are there things you and your H enjoy doing together. These things don't have to be major, but it is important for the two of you to have things that you can enjoy together, things that are special for just the two of you. Perhaps you could just ask your H directly if there is anything he would like to try or wishes you would try. (And for once, my mind is not in the gutter. )
5) Do you know your and your H's love languages? Learning my H's was extremely helpful. I know understand how important it is to constantly compliment him. I used to find it annoying that he would "fish" for compliments. Now I make an effort to tell him how nice he looks, and how much I appreciate him.
You might ask for assistance from those on the boards who have been on both sides of the fence, who have been both WAS and LBS. I think Frank is one and maybe JokerMan and CrazedMom--though I'm not positive. The point is, it might be useful to get advice from someone who was a WAS and can relate to your feelings.
Beth I have just caught up on your thread - my goodness the similarities are uncanny. We were the perfect couple as well. So many of my friends wished that their marriage was like ours, and my best friend looked up to me and thought how fantastic my marriage was – I wonder if I had too much pride!!! Regardless it’s happened and we all have to go forward and learn from our mistakes. I just don’t know to act and handle it all now. I will read the book again – and see what it says, and I am going to see my Church counsellors this afternoon whom I am sure will give me loads of advise. Your snooping issues – well I have snooped big time, and I am not ashamed of it. My H found out I snooped into his email – he says he feels a bit violated – but I am not sorry at all. I felt like such a mug when he had is A – because I trusted him when he asked me too. Maybe if I had know what was really going on I would not have been so accommodating – but here I go again what if’s… I will continue to snoop and make sure he is keeping his word, because I can’t go back any more – only forward. I am sorry about the gambling - the only advise I can give anyone at the moment is love has to be tough – and if this destroying your marriage you need to take the approach and say either give it up or move out. I know this is not what these boards are about – but James Dobson Love Must Be Tough is a wonderful book, and it’s the course & direction I have taken
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