I've been a member for some time and lurk regularly, but don't post often. I tried to find my original post from over a year ago, but it is not showing in the archives, so here's a recap - sorry it's so long...
Feb. 05 Bomb - Surprisingly, it was not ILYBANILWY but "Do you love me?" Confessed a strong EA with a woman at work. Said he felt relief telling me, like a heavy burden had been lifted from his shoulders. He felt like we would be okay (this 4 hour discussion held while I sobbed quietly). By the end of the week, he left for 4 hours to see her, by the next week they were in a PA.
In April I found help through some marriage ministries and then found this site, where I have continued to come nearly every day in the past year and a half. I don't know where I would be without you all, and I have selfishly just taken, as I feel pretty inadequate at showing insight or dispensing wisdom. I feel I know many of you so well, and you don't know me at all. So strange these BB's.
In August of '05, I forced him (although he seemed glad) to move out as the affair was far from over, the lies had just gotten better. He was home within the month, at his request, and things were rocky for a while. I cried out to God continually and was able to be silent about EVERYTHING for about 6-8 months. Our relationship got somewhat better, but there was always that darned cell phone bill that would show where his heart really was. And there was also a hidden cell until I sent it back to its owner (the OW) this summer with a note telling her to back off. I knew who she was from online phone tracking, so had an address.
After the cell was returned, our relationship did begin to improve. My H started taking me out- around once a week or so we would go to dinner and have a really great time. About a month or two ago I texted her from his cell telling her to stop accepting and returning his calls, that he would never leave me and that he loves me. Since then, as far as I can tell, there has been no contact outside of work, which is bad enough.
We were always the "perfect couple." All of the elders and their wives at our church found out about us (my husband called our pastor and tried to step down from being a Trustee - he is still one today) as the pastor told a few "key" people. Now even more people know, which has made it uncomfortable for me, but my H seems to hold his head high and act as if. Everyone who came to me about it said we were the last couple who'd they'd have ever though this would happen to...I'm sure many of you have heard that. I am glad he is still going to church with us as a family but spiritually he is lost. I pray always for his repentance toward the Lord (he has expressed his regret to me). Here is our current problem..
When we were separated for that short period, H developed an interest in Texas Hold'Em while watching cable at the hotel. We don't have cable at home, so he was never exposed. Some guys at work turned him on to online gambling, and he's been addicted ever since. For over a year now I have seen his gambling habit go from occasional to daily, to the wee hours of the morning, to now it being every waking moment outside of work, and only 2-4 hours of sleep. He says he is not addicted but he's deceived. He lives, breathes and talks of little else but poker. Sometimes I sit next to him just to feel like we have some connection, but he is not able to converse with me unless it is about his current hand. The dates have stopped, the work around the house has stopped, he sometimes goes to work late, he barely sleeps, and although I am handling the lack of attention, I feel for our children who miss their daddy. When I talk to him about it, it gets better for a day, but then he sheepishly goes back to the same old behavior.
I do know this is a spiritual battle. I know how to fight it. What I am wondering is if any of you have experienced a replacement of the OP with a new and different type of affair. As for our marriage, it is actually better than it has ever been, mostly due to my recognition of where my faults lie and to the best book outside of the Bible I have ever read on marriage (ask if you're interested).
I do still struggle with wanting to throw that man out - I am, after all, basically living as a single parent for the moment, but I know this would be wrong and most devastating to our children, who all seem either to have forgotten Dad's craziness or are feeling secure enough not to ask anymore (he has never said a word to them in explanation or apology). I just go to my prayer closet, occasionally lash out to get his attention, but always apologize which is a TOTAL (embarrassing to say) 180 for me.
I know nothing I say will get his attention that he has a problem, so I am cheerful and loving for the most part. I struggle with feeling like a doormat, but don't want to return to the old nagging wife that I was. I know all about boundaries but have not had success with them. I think I can't figure out the difference between an appropriate boundary and being controlling, especially with an addiction that is not so socially embarrassing - no one really knows what goes on in our house but us. A counselor I saw for a short period suggested I keep the internet block up so that he cannot play any more. That seems controlling instead of boundary-setting.
Sorry so long...any ideas?
BethJ H 40 Me 40 Married 15 years 5 Children aged 2 - 11
H 40
Me 40
married 15 years
5 children aged 2-11
Bomb 2-6-05
Now we are piecing, I think
