glad I read the post tonight. Good timing. As BND and you know, I am having some trouble piecing it all with H wanting back in the M, but under his terms I guess. I feel differently about him than I did before, mostly not as good. I've said love is a choice, and yet I fear making it.
I sooooo get what BND meant about being the strong one, all the time, every day, forever and ever. 24/7 parenting, house, yard, cars, bills, college applications, oh--wait, I HAVE A JOB/CAREER too.......When do we get a break? Jesus, if anyone had a right to bolt out the door, it wouldn't be the H's..... okay, I have a cold, and feel like crap. Maybe that's it. Patience.
BND, you are probably right about how I should be avoiding the OM, but I gotta tell you, I feel very little guilt so far. Of course, have not done anything major. But I like him, and he is kind to me... and oh, btw, guess what else?? HE IS HERE!!!!... H is NOT!!!! by his choice he lives in .....the one place I asked not to live.....first the fellowship/for his 197th credential, 300 miles, and now 3000 miles away for the world's "best job", which he sought NO WHERE else... Been gone going on 18 months now....what the hell am I supposed to do if this goes on forever?
No matter what I do, I have to hurt someone in my family, thanks to H's unilateral choices....my daughter's will be split up, and I'll have no boundaries enforced, if I go up there with d9... and if I don't go, then what? I guess the M ends, or what's left of it.....and d9 has no dad around....it stinks.
OKAY, I am venting...I understand everything you, BND, have said times ten. I only hope I can be as forgiving as you when I am with my H. He will be here for the holidays, as you know. Maybe when he's here I'll feel better. He rarely brings up R talk, unless it's about me coming up there.
Just curious, I should NOT tell H about OM correct? I mean, until IF and when I think I love OM, what's the point? I'm not sleeping with OM....yet... Why don't I feel a big guilt trip? Why?? Probably anger. Maybe that's what this is all about. I thought I had gotten better about that. But H really hurt our M, me, and our d's... and especially d17. ...This is her father who left us/her just before her junior year of HS and is still gone for her senior year....her grades dropped last year and although they are high again, the GPA suffered enough to keep her out of the IVy Leagues, where her brother is...and where she could have been....maybe I should be glad she's going to save us so much money in tuition. The damage is real, and the effects on others b/c of his choices, OMG, they're huge......Do I even get to mention it to H? What's the point?
Forgiving for what they did to us is one thing; I've got my faults too. But dang, BND how do you deal with your kids' pain? How can I help D17 to reconcile with H and how can I help him to do whatever it is he needs to do to get that with her? HOW did your d start getting better with your H? What did it take? Who did what?
My b-day last week, I got 2 dozen roses from H and a message(s) that included how "much better our future will be, this will be the last birthday of [mine} we'll be apart..." etc......I was happy with that, and grateful. Better than last year for sure.... But then fear comes in and I find myself wondering.... I wonder, HOW will it be better? Then anger pops up AGAIN.....Oh You mean, if I move up there, NEVER feeling that our M and family are as important as his flippin' job? .....dang, way toooo negative right now.
I must get this worked out soon. I cannot go up there with THIS attitude or failure will be a certainty....
If only I believed that H wanted US more than anything else.......BND, I know you get it.... Oh the irony of it all....if H volunteered to give his stupid job up, I'd move there for a trial at least...ANYHOW, another hijack. SORRY guys!! Wth?? Why don't I just post this elsewhere? How do I do that? Copy and paste? (No pc skills here...thought the little people would do that for me when I went to school...big mistake.)
BND, I am still wanting to do the "DB a thon" for your H at Christmas. Let US know where to send the checks!! FOLKS, catch my earlier post about sending bucks into BND's sitch so her H can come home this Christmas....seriously, I am throwing in 100$ and another guy is too, so that's 200$ so, BND, what does it cost? You have helped a lot of people and inspired so many and wth? At least you're a good cause that I actually "know"...DBers, pitch in please!!
And BND, as for your H's comments re: dating, I agree with W2, that your H is being "normal", (for MLC and whatever "normal" means with it). Although you may have feared it meant some sort of "open" R, I didn't get that.... Plus, you are "exploring in the bedroom", and all I can say to that is you Go Girl!!
What were you saying you feared? An "Open" R?? ***Btw, reminds me of a crazy woman I knew who told me her H and she had an "open" M, and she "always" told her H whenever she slept with OM, b/c "IF you don't have honesty in a M, how are you gonna have trust?"*** (I loved that line the moment I heard it....they are divorced...seriously....big surprise...)
Well, keep on keepin' on and tell us what to do with our checks! j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
