Your H asking for a boyfriend girlfriend thing doesn't sound very strange at all. I can't speak for personal experience since I didn't make it to piecing, and am still trying to find some of my missing parts. But let me share ideas.
The MLCer doesn't feel right in their own skin. They have to get away from it and the binds it places on them. I see some posts by folks that have been sep due to an A, and the WAS hopes to come back home and live as if nothing ever happened.
How can a MLCer do that? How can we expect them to jump right back into a skin that rejected them from life once already. To try to pretend nothing happened seems fatalistic in a way. I can understand him thinking how nice it might be to have honest open heartfelt talks about each others feelings, likes, dislikes, the whole dating thing. After MLC, he is a different person than you knew before. He is finding his way into his next adulthood and needs to come to know it and understand it completely. He wants to embrace it, and you.
BarbieDoll was wise to point out to you that things can go wrong. I don't think she did anything wrong in asking questions, if he was ready. He wasn't and she could not have known that. Her MLC sounds like he decided he could not come back if he was going to be quizzed about things instead of being forgiven. It could be hard to forgive someone while wondering the whole time "WTF were you thinking the whole time?" Inquiring minds want to know.
Do not ask. Let him lead those talks. Let him tell you what he wants when he wants, regarding the past. Remember the biggest problem for the MLCer was in fact, their past ... all the way back to childhood. Now they have completely misbehaved, and dwelling on that makes it hard for them to develop that positive self esteem that was absent as they were drawn toward MLC.
Your future is not in the past.
Your kids future is not in the past.
Your H's future is not in the past. Don't ask about things that will cause him great pain right now. When you do talk, talk about future. Talk about why you think he is worth waiting and fighting for. Not about his genius, muscles, or dimples .... although he will like to hear that too. Think about telling him that he has been learning so much about himself and how to listen to his heart, like only a wonderful complete and whole person can. Discuss how this kind of feeling and discussion is going to never end. This is the life you want with him. Open talk from the heart. No blame and no excuses. What is in life, just is. The two of you will honestly grow together in what is and become in awe of what will be .... together.
If talk goes to his childhood or yours, it should be non judgemental. It should be intended to help him see that things just happen in life and people get preprogrammed unwittingly to experience natural reactions to stimulus.
Things that may have little effect on one person leave another feeling worthless. Things that are said without such intention can still be very destructive. He needs to feel safe talking about his feelings so you can learn what hits his nerves ... like two people starting dating.
You need to let him know your own thoughts and concerns in non threatening ways. I hope by now you have read Mars-Venus a few times on communications, and 5LL at least once. He probably hasn't in his transition. You could comment on some commonly misunderstood signals or statements between men and women and how "isn't it odd that we can reach this age in life without actually understanding some things that are quite simply different? It should be taught in school!"
If a little something catches his interest or curiosity, maybe he would try reading a chapter or two. I think he would get hooked and the clarity it will provide him.
I spoke with a neighbor's son who was sep from his wife and small daughter. I gave him MarsVenus a week before he started IC. He was then told by IC to read it, and impressed the IC by stating he already had it and was half through it. They are back together and in MC together. They spend thirty minutes a night after the girl is asleep just talking about the current chapter they are reading or about each others feelings. They communicate. They make time to communicate.
I have shared a witty thought that this should be done naked in the dark. No barriers. Create a sense of total vulnerability for discussion. But of course, only when the two of you have begun to communicate effectively and regularly. It seems like a good way to take it to the next level. And then of course, to the bedroom.
BTW ... MarsVenus has a book about the bedroom also. More things that are often misunderstood between the species.
Baby steps. Patience. The same things that got you this far will keep you on track. You are going to be anxious. It is natural. Breath deep. Relax. His clock has been ticking at a different rate than yours. His clock may still be eratic. He may zoom forward one day but spin backward the next. Expect eratic. Don't be set back by it. Breath deep. Also know how totally jealous I am of your opportunity, and the wonderful life you two are putting together ... not just "back together". This next stage in your lives will be deeper, richer, and more rewarding than anything you would have expected in the past. It is the prize you worked for. Enjoy slowly, like an expensive meal.
