This morning I made 18 macho breakfast burritos for a mens Church breakfast.
Yesterday I made a dozen sweet potato pies for a Church Thanksgiving thing and signed up to organize and do the cooking for an Agape Feast next month.
Again I am overextended.
This was a bad habit in the past.
I like doing things but I can't seem to find a balance.
Part of the problem is that I was alone for 2 years and am trying to keep myself busy.
I get so fed up doing the same mundane routine day after day.
I can't get a job as I have no childcare for my youngest.
I know this is just a season in my life but I am going stir crazy.
My H will be home again in a few days. We are going to pick out paint and redo the house.
All new colors.
I am excited about that.
I am excited that we are redoing "our" bedroom.
I am excited that he will be home for good soon and the visits will come to an end.
I am trying so damn hard to be patient and not nag or complain.
So I am venting here.......
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
OK here I am again...
I wrote my H an email yesterday and since coming out of his MLC he has pretty low self esteem, I think alot of it may be guilt and shame over his actions over the past few years.
I am going to post the email and his response.
I want those who have been following my story to see the HUGE difference of his words now and how much change he has made for the better.
Dear Husband
I was thinking about our conversation this morning.
The one with me encouraging you and you not accepting my words as they are.
I can not make you believe anything I tell you, I guess it is whatever is in your own head that you choose to believe, that makes you what and who you are.
I do get frustrated. I want to see you succeed. I want to see you excited about the future and I want to see you shine. I see before me a very handsome and attractive and brilliant man who doesn't know how to tap into that part of his life.
I see so many positives that definately outweigh the negatives and by your own admission, the words of a stranger carry more weight to you when it comes to receiving compliments.
I understood what you meant by that comment and I know it was no reflection on me but in the same way I need you to know that the things I say to you are words from the heart. I do not throw out those words in order to flatter you, I say them with sincerity. Your attitude makes me feel as though I am second best again, and my words carry no weight.
Learning how to see the positives in you is something that I have learned to do, something I neglected to do for a long time. Maybe the next time I tell you that I find you incredibly sexy and desirable, or let you know what an amazing writer you are, don't brush me off, say thank you, and go look in the mirror and say, she is right.
Enjoy the fact that you have someone in your life who feels this way about you. Relish in the compliments and the unquenchable desire she has for your body. Graciously receive the words she says when she tells you that you are a brilliant and talented man. Try to allow yourself to believe that what she is telling you is the truth and maybe then you may begin to believe it too.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
His reply:
You are not second best.
You are the first person I think about when I wake up and the last one I think about before I go to sleep.
Your words are important.
I am trying to feel better about a compliment, too.
Thanks for sharing. That means a lot to me, too.
........................
Finally....we are communicating better!!!
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Oh BND! I am so happy for you! Your patience has paid off. Again, you are an inspiration to me! I just hope I can be strong like you and hold out long enough like you had. Good things come to those who wait!
Hi BND,
Thanks for checking in on me.
Oh, your communication is just so good. I am still so amazed about the turnaround of your sitch and your H!!! Keep up the good work and the patience. You are such an inspiration. You and ImLIN still give me hope and strenght to continue working on myself and being patient.
Quote: I was overextended as usual and am learning to say "NO". It's those bad habits from the past that sneek up on me and I have to remind myself that all of my busy work helping out others, etc drove my H nuts.
I know exactly how you feel. You have done a wonderful job until now and I am so confident that you will be able to continue on the same path.
Quote: As much as I moaned and complained, I don't think I could have coped so well if my H was breathing down my neck.Maybe we both needed our space to heal from the crisis.
I agree with you. I often think that I could not hide my meltdown from H.
My week-end is not too bad, but the weather is just so depressing. I think it stopped raining now and I will probably go to the fair as intended.
Have a nice day and take care. HUGS
