I posted this on my thread last week. It's an email I sent to a close friend about my struggle with H with affection and feeling rejected. I'm making some progress on that with good results. Goes back to the attitude discussed last week. Maybe there's something here for you:
I'm making progress with my issues. You've always been the best teacher! I'm realizing that what the sermon said is SO true in my life. I've been blaming J for years because I havent felt desireable, wanted and needed, but there was nothing he could do to help me with that. The problem isn't "J doesn’t desire me". The problem has been "I, Sheila feel undesireable, unloveable... (fill in the blank)!" Now I know my focus is to figure out how to take care of me. I can say to J "I'm feeling insecure. I don't feel loved. I don’t feel desirable or pretty" That takes the pressure off of him to do something, but I think it also makes it much more likely that he'll step up comfort and reassure me. It also focuses me on my problem and challenges me to figure out how to fulfill my own needs. If I'm feeling unloved, chances are I'm doing something that is unloveable or wallowing, or not being loving to others myself.
I'm not trying to project my insecurities on to you. There is often a very real problem of two people who need to connect more for the relationship's sake. J and I are dealing with that too. But my personal problem hasn’t been wanting certain things to make the relationship stronger. I wanted J to provide them to build me up as a person. That has to come from within. I have to be able to look in the mirror and say that I love myself. It has become much easier to approach him with my needs as I grow to love myself and tell myself that I'm loveable. How many times have you said that we need to love ourself before we can love someone else?
In our talk last night, J confirmed that it is much better when I tell him directly what's going on with me and what I'm feeling. Believe it or not, I've kept silent with him about my deepest thoughts and feelings. He called me on it not long ago and said that he needs to be my confidante. I was denying him something important.. Information.. Truth. I didn’t trust him to listen and understand. And if I did talk to him, I usually put the burden of my feelings on his shoulders. Silly, silly girl. Things are much better now. And yes, it's important to speak up.. To take care of ourselves and to be fulfilled.. To be close to our God. It is also important to keep trying to connect with the pepole we love and not be fearful when they aren't ready, or unable to meet us halfway. Rejection became the monster in the closet for me. I assumed that.. Why get burned again. I've also learned that just because the outcome wasn’t good yesterday, doesn’t mean it won't be good today. We can only get good by putting good things in.. By living the truth. I have lost so many years not understanding that. Work with what ya got.. Every single day and do it fearlessly. God wants to bless us and will if we continue to share the blessings and gifts he's given us with others and to do it unselfishly (to not keep score). I have been very selfish and self focused. Unwilling to share my blessings and gifts unless I could expect equal in return. That is not my purpose. I need to love myself first, but that is just the beginning. I have work to do..love to share. Maybe it's time to trust the Lord my life and be more of a blessing to others. What you send out comes back.
Mama, I realized that I was needing the intimacy from my H to fill me up and reassure me that he loves and wants me more than OW. Any time he was cold, distant, or uninterested I assumed he must be thinking of her and regretting being with me. The change has come as I've slowly believed that I'm the best choice for him. That I'm desirable long term and she was just desirable for a little while when we had problems. When I started living that truth.. that I'm desirable, loveable and started acting like that person, honestly, things began to change. I think he stopped smelling the fear! And truth be told.. I think as much as I thought he was thinking about OW, my silence and brooding over our lack of intimacy probably made him wonder if I was thinking about his R with her too.
And truth be told.. I think as much as I thought he was thinking about OW, my silence and brooding over our lack of intimacy probably made him wonder if I was thinking about his R with her too.