What to expect...part two (OT, Betsey , need ya)

[toughlover]

I think a lot of my lack of initiating is based out of fear of rejection.

I understand this, really. Maybe it's easier for a guy because (most of us) are used to being rejected. When we were younger we inevitably asked people out, got turned down, etc. Now, that doesn't mean it's all that easy. Being rejected by your wife is devastating to a man, especially when she was giving it to someone else.

I just got tired of being afraid, tired of getting whipped by fear itself. That old "nothing to fear but fear itself" stuff is true. I figured if I was being genuine, not manipulative, and just putting it out there and getting rejected anyway, I did my best and that's all I could do. No matter how bad it hurts, I think we all have to get to that point...but in our own time. If you're not ready for that yet, well, that's only something you can know. Rushing things isn't necessarily good either. I think.

That and the fact that he stayed out all night a lot in the beginning of the A makes me think they were "doing it" alot.

No offense, but so what if they were? Why not just assume they were. I mean, at some point, we have to get to where we recognize they ran off and did it with someone else. It hurts, I know. Been there, am there. But to me whether they did it 1 time or 10 times or 1,000 times is irrelevant now. I think you're obsessing too much over the details and that's making you weak. God wants you strong because of who He is.

How do I compete with that?

You don't. This isn't a competition and never was, even though we feel competitive about it. If you want to keep score, you're going to always feel bad. However, he's home, he's with you.

I fear that ML to me is stale and mechanical and H is doing it to appease me and can't wait to get it over with.

Well, maybe the females can help you out more here. Of course you're not worthless, you just feel that way. You're letting your feelings dictate your attitude and behavior the same way he did when he cheated. It's still wrong even if you're doing it for the "right" reasons or think you're justified.

It just hurts so much to feel that the man that I married, that was SO in love with me in the beginning has lost interest in me. It makes me feel so worthless.

This is interesting because it just so happens that during the time my W and I have been rebuilding (since summer), our 14 year old got his first real "girlfriend" (or, as I like to call it, Fall Pukefest 2006). Now, they've already "broken up" twice, this latest time looks like for good, thank God. But I digress. I made a couple allusions early on (Sept) to my son and his GF while we were talking about the A. Not good DB'ing, I know, but I was weak, what can I say. One of the things that I think struck my wife, and which she won't comment on, was how eerily her and the OM's behavior parallels my the behavior of my son and his "girlfriend."

In fact, if you overlook the obvious differences (age, marital status, etc.) the maturity level of both couples is virtually identical in terms of their feelings, their behavior, their silliness. Now, I'm not saying there's no room for romance and a little silliness in a mature marriage, but very much of what we consider "being in love" is based on mutual weakness, on desperation, on being driven by feelings that aren't rational, and by chasing after illusions we project on other people. If that's what people want if they want to be "in love", then I don't want any part of that.

That stuff is fine when you're young. It's even fine in small doses when you're older and not breaking solemn commitments and vows, or destroying your character and someone else's to do it. But if a loving relationship isn't based on character, if feelings fill the space and make character, commitment, and responsibility irrelevant, then it isn't really a loving relationship. And our spouses who choose that at some point reveal a very deep and serious character flaw that they need to address, and very often addressing that gets in the way (and rightly so) of what our needs are during the reconciliation process. We have to find a constructive way to understand and deal with that, because while we need them to be loving and attentive, we also need them to become stronger in character, and that takes time.

I'm afraid that if I do the 180, dress the part, and try to seduce him that he will be thinking "WTH, why is she doing this now?" He won't see it as authentic but just a way to hang on to him.

Then don't dress the part. I'm not saying you have to make a big production out of it. There's few things that turns a healthy man on more than knowing his wife wants him sexually, that she has a healthy appetite too. It's a process, not an event...both the act itself and restoring this part of it to your marriage.

There's no such thing as magic...or, magic is what seems to happen after everyone's worked their butts off!