What to expect...part two (OT, Betsey , need ya)

[toughlover]

Mama, I wanted to answer a question you had on GH's thread, but wanted to do it here so I didn't hijack his.

I have really never been the initiator in our M except for maybe the first year. How do I express my desire for H without it looking like too little, too late or that I am being desparate and needy?

I am certainly no expert, and have typically fallen flat on my face when giving advice to women in particular, but here's something just to think about.

I think we tend to think in terms of how things have happened in the past too much, and think we know how our S will respond (just like they always have). But if we treat them differently than they've ever been treated, not even they know how they will feel about it or want to respond to it until it happens.

What I've found is that I'm way more likely to get what I want when I give it first without strings attached. What I realized I was doing wasn't creating a "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" situation so much as helping make our relationship just more loving in general.

So my take would be, if I want our relationship to be one in which we both do <insert action of your choice>, then I need to do it first with the assumption that one day she will be more comfortable and motivated.

It's never too little, too late if it comes from your heart, if it's motivated by goodness...and taking care of your spouse and your M is a good thing. Because when you do that, genuinely, it changes you for the better no matter what. And often it does end up affecting the people we want it to.

I think the way you keep from looking desperate and needy is to not be desperate or needy. My rule of thumb for a couple months now has been, if I'm doing this out of weakness (desperation, neediness, demanding something in return), then I'm not going to do it. However, if I can do it out of strength (aka, detachment), and understand that if someone rejects me when my motives are pure and clean and loving, then so be it. Yes, it hurts to be rebuffed, but that's why you have all the DB stuff.

It only becomes a bad thing if you're rebuffed and then take it hard in front of him, make a federal case out of it, etc.

So maybe instead of thinking of this in terms of making yourself available so that HE will do <insert what you want here>, you could think in terms of, "I'm going to go and do <insert whatever you know he would like> to/for H" and then see what happens. Maybe everything won't go the way you want it to this time, but maybe you're planting a seed that's going to grow and bear fruit later.

Sounds like initating would be a 180 on your part, and even though what you might want is for him to initite and be in control, maybe by being a little more aggressive than usual you will inspire him, so to speak.

I'm not saying go do it like this, so if it doesn't work out, please don't stick pins in my voodoo doll or anything ...I"m just saying that maybe it will help to look at it this way. If all else fails, remember the DB principle of experiment, see what works...no reason that can't apply in the bedroom as well.