Quote: Remember if you can try to understand that this is NOT about you but him it may help.
I keep telling myself this BUT everyone once in a while, like say once a month (PMS), I make it all about me and what I want and am not getting. Then I get ugly, say stupid things that I don't really mean. I am looking for a reaction from him. If I say I am done it doesn't mean I am done it means H needs to grab me and throw me against a wall and tell me how much he f'ed up, how much he loves and adores me, kiss me passionately and feverently, tell me how much he wants me....
now back to the program...while I wish this would happen it is mostly likely not going to. I need to relate to him, thru my actions, that I love him no matter what - not, I love you only if you love me back. Know what I mean?
(((hugs))) We ALL want this but it WILL happen in time. I know you already know this BUT you can not find all of your happiness through your Husband. After the blow of everything that has happened to you I know you want to feel loved and wanted. I know you feel rejected when he doesn't act like he loves you in the way you want him to. I spent many nights sleeping in the same bed as my H and getting a pat on the back or a peck on the cheek and inside I was starving for some affection. One of the things my H also told me that sex is emotional for men it is not just a physical release. Your Husband needs to feel safe again. Try to keep your tongue in check, bite it if you have to. After a little spat I asked my H if we could have make-up sex. He said that we weren't fighting. So I said lets just practice anyways.... These are things I NEVER would have said before. In over 20 years of marriage I am finally feeling liberated and confident enough in myself to be able to speak freely. That is what I have learned from DBing.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Knowing what you want is really important, and you touch on that here. I think it would be a good exercise for you to write a list of what you want out of your marriage. Just start without any rules and write down anything and everything that you want. Once you've got everything down, get a blank piece of paper and look at the list you made and write it as a personal statement, not what you want from your H, but what you personally want to feel, think, experience, etc. Once you understand what your real needs are, you can communicate this to him. Maybe even give him a list. The benefit of doing it this way is that you take responsibility for what you want, and he can take responsibility for delivering it without your expectations on how this is to be done. This will allow him to be creative and problem solve, rather than just do as you ask.
Remember, one of the DB premises is that you ask for what you want. WHAT you want, not HOW you want it. It's the expectations tied in with the hows that cause pain and dissatisfaction and prevent you from recognizing when you are actually getting what you want.
Last edited by MuddleThrough; 11/30/0605:16 PM.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Quote: Remember, one of the DB premises is that you ask for what you want. WHAT you want, not HOW you want it. It's the expectations tied in with the hows that cause pain and dissatisfaction and prevent you from recognizing when you are actually getting what you want.
Good point.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Just wondering if you've gone shopping yet and how that shopping trip went... Also, don't forget to pick up some dark red nail polish while you're at it!
My husband does not easily display love or other emotions. Also, he doesn't have an easy time communicating his feelings even when I do ask for it.
By the way.... when my husband and I were in the midst of D I did go to the doctor's for "anxiety" (for the first time in my life!) and got prescribed a very low dose of Celexa (an AD). I truly thought I was handling everything well, but being on 10mg of Celexa has made things sooooo much easier. Just a thought for you if things get too crazy.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I also was prescribed a low dose of Celexa and it has done wonders for that week when I'm likely to get miffed easily. H and my kids say I've been even tempered and a sweetheart since starting the meds two months ago. I'd agree.. I don't dwell so much on the negative and little problems don't spiral into big ones. I'm coping and generally upbeat. H appreciates that I took charge of my problem and he doesnt have to face she-devil when he least expects it.
Hmmm, a low dose of Celexa. I will definitely keep that in mind cause I seem to lose it at least once a month.
I am very impatient and because things are not happening in my timetable I start to freak out. When I am in control, I am relaxed and we have a good time. When I am frustrated, look out, I take it out on everyone around me.
Ok, I've been skimming the pages of Passionate Marriage and I've picked up a few things which happen to coincide with db'ing. * Forget about "working on your relationship" or the idea that "the relationship is the problem. When people say "I'm not getting what I want out of our relationship, " often the real issue is that they are not getting what they want out of themselves in their marriage. When they get what they want from themselves, they generally like thier relationship more...When you work on yourself you're working on your marriage - because when you change, your relationship changes.
*Stop focusing on what your partner is (or isn't) doing. Focus on yourself....examining one's part in an interpersonal conflict takes the pressure off the partner and demonstrates courage, fairness, and goodwill that the partner will hopefully emulate...focusing on yourself increases the pressure on your partner to change.
*Stop trying to change your partner....If your partner thinks you're trying to drag him forward into your version of happiness and a better life, you make it safe for him to "dig in his heels" and remain complacent or resistant. When you stop pressuring your partner to change, it pushes you to clarify what you want and what you are willing to do to get it.
*For solutions, look in different directions from where you've looked in the past.
*Stop trying to make your partner listen, accept and validate you. Listen to yourself.
*Keep your mouth shut about your partner's issues - particularly concerning things you're certain are true.
*Pay attention to your tone.
These are just a few things that I thought I could share with you all. Take it for what it's worth.
I've always been against meds especially the idea of anything like AD's. I grew up in a vegetarian household and my mom didn't even have asprin in the house. So I'm probably more anti-med than a lot of people (and definitely can't tell my mom about the Celexa!). I also "think" I'm the most together, reasonable, low key person on the planet so I never would have considered myself a candidate for ADs, but it has been a really interesting experience.
Originally when I went to the doctor I didn't want an AD, I only wanted something like Zanex for the monthly emotional stuff and the holidays which can be stressful for me, but the doctor wanted me to try the Celexa. I was really hesitant at first, but now I'm glad I did. Both my husband and my kids think I'm much easier to be around (and I never did think I had a problem).
I would never say someone should or shouldn't use this stuff, but for anyone stuggling with with a difficult situation I think it's something to consider.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
hmm.. just some more info on what led up to me taking Celexa. I was SO angry at my H. I couldnt let go of that anger to start creating positive interactions. He'd say it was like I was looking to argue every few weeks. I'd be sweet, loving and patient and then out of nowhere, like you, I wanted what I wanted, and I wanted it NOW. Not that he wasn't hurting me, but it occurred to me that I did well some days and then other days, my anger came spewing out and any progress towards closeness was lost. We were separated, done, over. Then one night we went to my S6's book fair at school. H was being wonderful. So nice, helpful.. smiling and laughing. I started looking around and noticed all the "happy families" and got sad. I couldnt shake it. I wanted what they had, and well, it was my H's fault we didnt have it. I went home, called him and vented. Ended up sobbing for hours uncontrollably. I felt overwhelmed, and angry. The next day I had a similar thing happen at a soccer game. Not to that extreme, but I couldnt shake feeling down and upset. I thought I was coping fine, but I wasnt. Anyway, I went to the Dr. and told him. Said it was worse when I was PMS-ing. Less than a week after starting Celexa I could tell a major diff. I was able to let go of all that anger that piled up inside me. It doesnt come spilling out on everyone around me. I can control my emotional reactions now. Oh and.. interesting.. I've had to learn feelings over because now I respond reasonably. When I'm sad, I cry, whereas in the past I'd become mad at the person that made me sad and not acknowledge what I was feeling inside. It was kinda cool to be able to have PMS, lay on the couch, feel crappy and eat chocolate and not vent on my family. I even asked H "Is this how normal people act when they feel blue?" I wish I'd had known sooner that I could have help with this. I'm not an angry or hateful, controlling person at heart, yet at times I was mean, hateful and controlling. I knew it was wrong and just thought I must be a bad person who lacked compassion, understanding and forgiveness. Nope.. I'm a good person who has A LOT of stress in her life and need some help coping with that. I've probably had a small imbalance of seratonin for most of my life. I know I couldnt just will myself to not be overwhelmed at times. I wasnt the poster child for depression laying in bed crying at all.. but the meds have helped me be positive consistently and I need that help in order to piece.
