Quote: I am very grateful for so many people and things in my life, I don't need any negatives to bring me down. I am choosing to be happy this upcoming year, no matter what life throws my way!
Hold onto this, it will take you a LONG way my dear.
Hi MamaBear, I have been away for a bit, glad to come by your thread and find you on a happy note. you are doing just fine, I have big ups and downs, we all do! That's just part of it. The big step forward will be if you can own it all, and not put any of it on H. We choose to react (or not) and H is over there just being H. Honestly, they just don't get all of that emotional stuff we do. So I have been working and working on learning to just take it somewhere else. I have made great strides this year (wish H was around more to see it!) but truly I wouldn't have made as much progress if H had been here to blame every time I had a reaction. So who so you want to be? Sex pistol goddess? Sassy but sweet? Brilliant student? Hottest young mama in town? Just keep exploring yourself Mama, and let H keep doing his healing. He is back with you, more every day. Just let him find his own pace, his own rhythm. And you, take the pressure off him and put the eye on the prize (you!) I am rooting for you, Mama
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
I've followed your thread for awhile, but haven't posted. I've fought the physcial R prob with my H for years, and while I wouldnt call us sex starved, I havent felt wanted/needed the way I'd like to either. PL has a GREAT point here about exploring who you are and being that person. When H and I were separated and I got the ILYBINILWY, I had the typical weight loss, self improvement, etc. Now that we are back together, I'm finding it's even more important that I be who I really am and not get complacent about it. He wasnt sexually attracted to that comfortable Mom in sweats.. he was attracted to the sexy woman in me. I'm just now figuring out what that means for me, and it's helping my self confidence tremendously to express my femininity in a way that fits..IOW, being a vixen makes ME happy too so I don't need H to validate that as much by showing he's attracted to me constantly (and I understand you're talking about more than just feeling attractive to your H). I just put on my version of sex goddess and assume I'm irresistable, and surprisingly, it's worked wonders (this week at least!) Men love a woman who are confident in their looks and sexuality. It's in the attitude and the approach. I have timidly approached him for physical intimacy and he sensed my insecurities I'm sure, and was reluctant to "deal" with that at times. I'm slowly learning to just get in there and take it if you know what I mean!
Thanks for stopping by ladies!! You are right, it is all about self-confidance. If I step outside of myself I would bet that I appear timid and needy, not very atractive, huh? Who do I want to be, well not the sex siren vixen but maybe that Hot kinda-young Mom! The type of "Mom" that other men wish their wife's would be; full of energy and life, someone who cares about and takes care of herself. You get the picture.
I will be so busy working on the new and improved me along with my super busy work schedule that I won't have time to agonize why my H doesn't want any physical intimacy from me.
Just a thought...as you focus and work on yourself, H's feelings can change too. When he was in the A, my H told me (after two years of pretty much no intimacy) he didn't want to be intimate with me again . Ever. It took a while, but thankfully, that has changed.
I learned this from my S20 because that is what his friends now call me
I want to share something personal with you.
Believe it or not my H really had a low blow to his self esteem once he began coming out of MLC.
At first I had this thing in my head that he needed to be working on issues with me.
Trying to make me feel better about things. Making me feel loved and secure and showing major remorse for everything that has happened.
After a while I realized how very scared he is of me rejecting him.
He doesn't always feel "worthy" of my love or forgivness.
I turned the tables on him. I have made a point of making sure he KNOWS I find him attractive and that I want to be with him sexually.
I make sure that I touch him alot, tell him that he looks great, and really make a big deal about how much he turns me on.
In bed I make sure I tell him how he makes me feel and afterwards thank him for making me feel so good.
In the begining he would ask me if I was sure, or if I really meant this. (this was my 180)
Our sex life has become amazing and even though he is away right now, we send each other sexy text messages or emails and at times there is even phone sex.
( I am totally blushing here )
The reason I share this with you is because your Husband may feel the same way about himself.
Originally I bought myself VS things for myself, now that my H is back on track I ask for his opinion about what he likes me to wear for him.
I ask him what makes him happy and what turns him on.
I am definately begining to see the changes in him and I do not mind boosting his ego, I also get to reap the benefits if he is really feeling good about himself in this area too
Shame and guilt can definately inhibit a mans sex drive and he needs to know by your actions that you want him.
A couple of years ago my H refused to go near me and was filing for a Divorce. Now he is making plans for OUR future together.
It just takes time and patience.... And sexy panties
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Brandnewday, Thanks for the insight. My H has felt for a long, long time that I wasn't interested in him. Which of course isn't true but he didn't know that, hence the A.
There is a fine line in letting him know how much I desire him and coming across as needy and desperate though. I need to figure that one out. Any advice.
YES!! That was the dilemma I faced also. I was subtle at first. Made little comments about how he looked. "That color looks good on you" "I like your hair that way" "That felt nice, can I have another one" (after a hug or a kiss" I just made sure he knew I noticed. It was a very slow process but we got there Remember if you can try to understand that this is NOT about you but him it may help. He is carrying around all kinds of crap in his head. Guilt and shame are hard. He needs to know that he has been forgiven and that will take time. Rebuilding trust is so so hard. BUT He is home with you. He chose to be home with you. Baby steps, Baby steps
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Men love a woman who are confident in their looks and sexuality. It's in the attitude and the approach. I have timidly approached him for physical intimacy and he sensed my insecurities I'm sure, and was reluctant to "deal" with that at times. I'm slowly learning to just get in there and take it if you know what I mean! 
